“Well, the good news — you know the Nigerian underwear bomber? He is now in custody. Remember the good old days when the only threat from Nigeria was spam email? From the prince. He had a thousand dollars. What happened?” – Jay Leno
“But I think the thing that’s still bothering people — there’s a flight, it originates overseas, they make a stop in Amsterdam and then they come to Detroit and there’s a guy on the plane over Detroit and he’s wearing exploding underpants and he tries to blow up the plane. Exploding underpants. That’s what it’s come to, ladies and gentlemen. Exploding underpants. Do you remember the old Road Runner cartoons? Isn’t that something you could get from Acme? Couldn’t you get the big crate and there’d be the exploding underpants?” – David Letterman
“Did you hear about the guy that blew up his underpants? People are mad about that. I think it’s funny. I don’t know. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. You would never guess he’d be mixed up in something like this. Not Abdulmutallab.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, a lot of people complaining that traveling here in the United States is a pain; we shouldn’t have to go through a pat-down search. You think you should? Yeah, I mean, hey, when you go to a football stadium, they pat you down, right, huh? I mean, shouldn’t the country be as least as hard to get into as a Cleveland Browns game? Don’t you think?” – Jay Leno
“There’s talk now we may have to go through these full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayek goes to the airport, there’s going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that’s because the British intelligence referred to him as ‘a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Fortunately his bomb didn’t work how he wanted. He was tackled by a Dutch filmmaker, which, that had to be embarrassing. Tackled by a Dutch filmmaker.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And former President Bush says he’s been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don’t think he really understands the situation. Like today, said, ‘When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'” – Jay Leno
“And conservatives have been criticizing President Obama. I guess they figure with ears like that he should have overheard something.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama spent the day talking to officials about airline security. One of the things they are doing is adding dozens of names to the no-fly list. Uh, hello, have you tried flying out of Newark? We’re all on the no-fly list.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of states are faced subzero temperatures this week. Everyone’s taking precautions. In fact, airports are on the lookout for thermal underwear bombers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know, after the shoe bomber, they made us take off our shoes. Now, this underwear thing, could be a real problem. I wonder if mothers of terrorists tell their kids to wear clean underwear in case something great happens.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald’s announcing they’re bringing back the McRib sandwich.” – Jay Leno
“You know, the McRib is coming back. That’s why Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the hospital. I knew there was something going on!” – Jay Leno
“Anyway, the doctor who examined Rush Limbaugh says that he’s fine, back to normal. That’s good to know. You know, they asked about every possible problem they could think of, and when Rush blamed every one of them on Barack Obama, they knew, ‘Oh, he’s just fine, back to normal.'” – Jay Leno
“Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he’s completely recovered. He’ll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now.” – David Letterman
“The weather here in California is very nice. But it’s freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn’t that amazing? So it’s nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.” – Jay Leno
“Remember they had the big state dinner for the Prime Minister of India and a couple of people who weren’t invited show up, the Salahis? And now it turns out there was a third person who was not invited that showed up at the state dinner. I mean, it’s a little crazy. I mean, before that, the only person I knew who showed up at the White House without the proper credentials was George Bush.” – David Letterman
“Did you guys hear about this? The Secret Service just discovered that a third uninvited guest got into Obama’s state dinner back in November, although Joe Biden insists he was actually invited.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars.” – Conan O’Brien
“I was reading today that President Obama has started updating the Oval Office to reflect his personality, which basically just means he took down President Bush’s autographed cast photo from the ‘Dukes of Hazzard.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.” – Conan O’Brien
“Tomorrow at the White House, President Obama is going to recognize a group of teachers for their award-winning work in teaching math and science. Obama said he’s looking forward to it, because he always likes meeting people from China.” – Jimmy Fallon
