“On Friday, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who ignited his underpants in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia.” – Seth Meyers
“The underwear bomber pleaded not guilty in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants, okay! ‘I didn’t know there was a bomb in my underpants.’ ‘I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom.'” – Jay Leno
“His lawyer said he was very respectful for the judge because he stood the whole time. Yeah, that’s because his ass was on fire.” – Jay Leno
“While criticizing President Obama during an interview on ‘Good Morning America’ this week, Rudy Giuliani said, ‘We had no domestic attacks under Bush.’ You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first.” – Seth Meyers
“While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, ‘There is of course, no fool-proof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of our nimble adversary.’ Nimble adversary? Sounds like somebody saw ‘Sherlock Holmes’ over the holiday.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama on Tuesday met with the heads of all 16 intelligence agencies try to correct the intelligence failures surrounding the Christmas day bombing attempt. Unfortunately, two of the agencies were late and the CIA locked their keys in the car.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama also said, ‘We are at war against al-Qaida, and we will do whatever it takes to defeat them.’ Then Obama was like, ‘Literally whatever it takes — speeches, talks, speech talks, talks about speeches, speaking about the talk I just spoke about.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In an effort to calm people down after this latest security problem, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. And here’s the frustrating part. Turns out we almost had him. Did you hear about this? Earlier this year, he snuck into a White House state dinner.” – Jay Leno
“In Obama’s defense, he is taking responsibility for the security lapse on Christmas. Obama said, ‘Ultimately the buck stops with me.’ Then he was like, ‘Unless it’s a billion bucks, in which case it just goes to AIG.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama was named most admired American. Most admired American. Most admired man in America. And I’m proud that my name is also on that list. It’s a little farther down. I was right between Balloon Dad and Carrot Top” – David Letterman
“Now, here is some frightening news. … The worldwide fund for nature came out with its list of the ten species most likely to be extinct in the near future. You know what number one was? … Us, yes, us.” – Jay Leno
“According to the New York Post, White House Budget Director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC News reporter six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. And of course, people were shocked. ‘The White House has a budget director?'” – Jay Leno
“The New Jersey Senate rejected a gay marriage bill. Now, why? Last time a gay man got married in New Jersey, he went on to become governor of the state, didn’t he, as I remember?” – Jay Leno
“The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission.” – Jimmy Fallon
