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Late Night Political Humor

“The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?” – Jimmy Kimmel

The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is – I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I guess everybody knows that Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was a law student. See, back then, the GOP stood for ‘grand old package.'” – Jay Leno

“Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It’s a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now: Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?” – David Letterman

“Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt.” – Jay Leno

“Anybody here from Massachusetts? You got a new senator, congratulations. Do you know anything about this guy? His name is Scott Brown. Isn’t that the guy Elvis played in ‘Clambake?'” – David Letterman

“But you know the Democratic candidate, was like, two weeks ago, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it. Here’s what happened. Apparently, she put in the Patriots defense.” – David Letterman

“During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and now, ‘My daughters are both available.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate race because he was too remote. Meanwhile, today in Arizona, John McCain couldn’t find his remote.” – David Letterman

“Former presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted that he did father a love child with his former mistress, Rielle Hunter. How does that work? Do you still hand out cigars? Should I send something?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. He issued a statement. Really? Who is the statement for? The only person that doesn’t know he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby is Rielle Hunter’s baby.” – Jay Leno

“And by the way, is love child really the best way of describing what happened? I think it was more of a seven gin and tonics child.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, this is pretty sleazy. According to Edwards’ former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards were full of crap.” – Jay Leno

“He released a statement today. Edwards said, ‘It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she’ll forgive me.’ Hey, if she inherits that hair, what’s to forgive?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I’ll go. I’ll walk home. To Brooklyn. I’m just putting that out there. That’s a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, today officially marks the beginning of President Obama’s second year in office. Yeah, he has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether.” -Jimmy Fallon

“As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley.” -Conan O’Brien

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The Straw that Broke Obama’s Back

Cartoon by R.J. Matson
© R.J. Matson

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Is the Supreme Court decision really about free speech?

I’ve been reading arguments in favor of the Supreme Court decision removing restrictions on political speech by corporations. Some of these arguments come from people or groups I trust, so I was curious to see if they could change my mind about the decision.

First, I should explain that I am not against the Supreme Court decision because I am some bleeding heart socialist who thinks corporations are evil. Indeed, I have started several corporations myself, have been hired as CEO and other management positions for corporations, and have also served on the Board of Directors of corporations. In addition, I strongly believe in the constitution (including the right to bear arms), so you might think I would look kindly on first amendment free speech arguments.

Arguments For

So let’s look at the arguments:

  1. The most popular (and persuasive) argument is that corporations are made up of people, and people should be allowed to band together in order to express their views. So corporate speech is equivalent to the speech of the shareholders of the corporation, and thus should be protected. Indeed, political speech — if anything — deserves extra protection.
  2. Another argument is that corporations are people, or at least have the same rights as people. This argument is an extension of the idea that corporations are “legal persons”, and has been developing over the last hundred years or so. Initially, corporate personhood was constructed to allow corporations to sign contracts, and allow corporations to sue and be sued. Since we all agree that corporations need to have some of the rights of real people, where do we draw the line? Don’t corporations deserve due process of law like real people? Why not free speech rights?
  3. The first amendment clearly states “Congress shall make no law … abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.” It doesn’t say that only real people have free speech. It protects speech, no matter where it comes from (even a corporation). “No law” means “no law”, pure and simple.

But all of these arguments are deeply flawed. The first argument assumes that all corporate shareholders are US citizens. But as Newsweek points out:

A majority of large businesses are now owned by foreign entities, and this means international corporations could pour tons of money into the United States political scene, potentially swaying the political climate.

Greg Palast puts it even more bluntly:

I’m losing sleep over the millions — or billions — of dollars that could flood into our elections from ARAMCO, the Saudi Oil corporation’s U.S. unit; or from the maker of “New Order” fashions, the Chinese People’s Liberation Army. Or from Bin Laden Construction corporation. Or Bin Laden Destruction Corporation.

The Supreme Court ruling declared that corporations have free speech rights. Does this allow Congress to take away free speech rights from foreign corporations, so they are not allowed to influence elections? Otherwise, how do we deal with foreign ownership of corporations? After all, we already have (constitutional) laws that prohibit foreigners from controlling US media (although with this new ruling, they don’t need to actually own a US media company in order to use it to influence an election).

But if we do take away free speech rights from foreign corporations, consider Sony Corporation, which is a Japanese corporation but is listed on the New York Stock Exchange and has a large number of shareholders in the US. Do those US shareholders not have the same free speech rights as shareholders in US companies?

The law struck down by the court allowed corporations to influence elections by having political action committees (PACs) so that the individuals that make up a corporation could pour (tons of) money into political campaigns. But the donors to PACs had to be US citizens. Isn’t that a simple and brilliant solution to the problem of foreign ownership of corporations?

Even US corporations have many foreign shareholders. The Supreme Court ruling has no way to deal with this. Should a US corporation that has no US shareholders have the right to pour money into US elections? If so, it would be quite easy — and perfectly legal — for a foreigner to start a US corporation (and hold all the shares) and then throw money at a US election. And we couldn’t do anything about it, even if they were purposely trying to harm the US. What about a corporation that is 90% foreign owned? Or 50%? What about a corporation with a single foreign shareholder out of thousands? See the problem?

Even ignoring the problem of foreign ownership, do you really want even a US corporation like Monsanto buying politicians in order to influence agricultural law? As Justice Stevens said in his dissent:

While American democracy is imperfect, few outside the majority of this court would have thought its flaws included a dearth of corporate money in politics.

A problem with the second argument is that corporations cannot realistically have all the rights of real people. For example, they cannot run for office, or vote. Allowing a corporation to vote would give corporate shareholders extra votes (there is no legal limit to the number of corporations a single person can own — I can set one up for $50 in a few hours).

Other constitutional rights might be possible, but would be a very bad idea. For example, if corporations have the right to bear arms, does that mean that large corporations have the right to create their own armies? Could they own nuclear weapons? Some corporations have more money than many decent sized countries. Could corporations declare war (on each other, or on countries)?

The third argument is completely wrong, since we have many perfectly reasonable laws that abridge the absolute freedom of speech. The most common example is that it is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. The Supreme Court itself restricted the First Amendment rights of Hare Krisna leafleters asking for donations in airports. Many of the same conservative justices held in that case “by asking for money for leafleting—their form of speech—the Hare Krishnas were being ‘disruptive’ and posing an ‘inconvenience’ to others.” If causing inconvenience is a good enough reason to deny free speech to the Hare Krishnas, isn’t preventing the total corruption of our government a good enough reason to place reasonable limits on free speech from corporations? (Or do conservatives just believe that some organizations are more equal than others?)

Arguments Against

But none of this is why I think that the Supreme Court ruling is wrong. I believe it is wrong for two main reasons:

First, I believe — based on my experience starting and running corporations — that the conservative Supreme Court justices behind this decision have absolutely no clue of the real purpose of corporations, or how corporations actually work.

A corporation is a legal construct for making money. Not only is their sole purpose to make money, but in most cases they are required — by law — to make as much money as reasonably possible. Corporations have a legal fiduciary responsibility to make money for their shareholders.

Corporations themselves don’t speak or act. When an officer of a corporation speaks or acts for the corporation, their speech and actions are already controlled — by the corporation. If I am performing my duties for a corporation, I can only say and do things that will make money for the corporation. If I instead decide that it would simply be nice to distribute presents to poor children in Cuba, unless it is reasonably obvious how this will help the corporation, I will almost certainly be sued by the shareholders of the company and will definitely be fired.

The economist Milton Friedman declared that the “one and only social responsibility of business, [is] to use its resources and engage in activities designed to increase its profits so long as it stays within the rules of the game …” Friedman even contrasted this with humans, who can have multiple responsibilities: “to his family, his conscience, his feelings of charity, his church, his clubs, his city, his country.”

This last little bit bears repeating: corporations have no responsibility to their country, nor to anything else, save making money for their shareholders. If a real person acted like this — exclusively for their own self benefit and enrichment — we would call them a sociopath or even a psychopath. As Justin Fox puts it in the Harvard Business Review:

If corporations are persons, they are — if they behave as Milton Friedman wanted them to — persons with mental and emotional impairments so severe that any decent judge would feel entirely justified in declaring them incompetent.

Does the court really believe that it is a good idea to give incompetent psychopaths more power in our government? This problem is exacerbated by the fact that our current business environment strongly rewards short term profits over long term ones, making it hard for corporations to invest in their long-term future. Corporations often behave like alcoholics or drug addicts whose only concern is what will drive up their stock price now, and never mind about the consequences tomorrow.

The second (and more important) reason is that this decision is bad for business. Corporations will now have to compete even more against each other to influence legislation in their favor. This is bad for several reasons:

  • Money spent on politics may influence legislation, but other than that it doesn’t help the economy. It is effectively a tax on corporations, but without raising any money for the government. It has all the economic downsides of a tax, with none of the benefits. Republicans claim to be against taxes and accuse Democrats of wanting to tax and spend, but this is the worst of both worlds: taxing with no spending.
  • Corporations with more money will likely win these political competitions, and thus will make even more money (and influence even more legislation) — not because they are better, more efficient, or more innovative, but only because they have tilted the playing field in their favor. This means that some other, better, more efficient, or more innovative company will suffer. A successful free market requires a level playing field. Without actual competition, companies grow flabby and inefficient.
  • Larger corporations with more cash will have an unfair advantage over small businesses. But as economists like to point out, it is small businesses that create new jobs and actually drive the economy.

Giving corporations the right to pour money into elections will cause grievous harm to the economy. Even more ironically, it will make it necessary for corporations to harm themselves by wasting money and time on politics and by reducing actual, real competition that keeps companies trim and competitive.

We already have a great example of this. Most American companies (especially small companies) would be much better off if they didn’t have to pay for health insurance for their employees. Even if it was still paid by businesses, it would be better overall if the skyrocketing health care costs in the US were brought down to be more in line with other countries in the world (with no sacrifice in actual health care). However, the health insurance companies would lose lots of money, so they have been spending millions of dollars to kill health insurance reform. This not only hurts the economy as a whole, since the cost of health insurance to other businesses is high and rising rapidly, but it also harms even the health insurance industry itself, since they have to spend lots of money to kill health insurance reform. They will then have to turn around and charge higher premiums to cover the added expense of their “political free speech”. Which means that fewer companies will be able to afford health insurance for their employees. In the end, everyone loses, even those corporations fighting for the status quo.

Another example is the Wall Street bailouts. Which is better for the economy: Banks becoming more competitive, more efficient, and figuring out how to avoid making bad loans? Or banks spending their time and money to put even more bailout-ready politicians in office, who will spend our tax money to give banks that are already “too big to fail” an unfair advantage? (So why aren’t the tea partiers freaking out over this Supreme Court decision?)

[tl;dr] Bottom line? The Supreme Court decision was not about free speech: corporations are not people, and money is not speech. And with this decision, everyone loses, including government, business, and plain old people.

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Conservative Hero

Jame O’Keefe became an instant conservative hero last fall when he released film allegedly showing ACORN employees advising him on how to break the law. In the video, he dressed up like a pimp in a cheap X rated movie. However it was later determined that O’Keefe edited the video footage to change appearances. For example, when he went to the ACORN offices he was wearing normal clothes, but he edited in scenes of himself wearing the pimp outfit. He also edited questions and answers to make it appear that he was receiving illegal advice. In the end, no criminal charges were brought against ACORN, and an independent investigation cleared them of any wrongdoing. For its part, ACORN fired several people for improper conduct.

But that didn’t stop conservatives from going on the warpath, and trying to defund ACORN (despite the fact that that is unconstitutional). Curiously, the only person who had actually broken the law was O’Keefe himself, for filming people without their permission and entrapment, but he was never charged.

But O’Keefe might get his day in court as a defendant after all. On Monday, O’Keefe and three other men were arrested by federal agents when, dressed and claiming to be phone company employees, they tried break into the office phone system of Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu in New Orleans.

So, if O’Keefe and his buddies are convicted, with Congress attempt to defund all conservative organizations associated with O’Keefe?

UPDATE: See the comments. Also see this article about one of the other defendents, who is the son of the acting US Attorney for that district, and is a Bush appointee about to be replaced by an Obama appointee.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley.” – Jay Leno

“There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were ‘available.’ At least this explains his campaign slogan: ‘Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'” – Conan O’Brien

“You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat’s health care plan.” – Jay Leno

“When Scott Brown takes office, Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof Senate majority. And he’s vowed to oppose the health care bill. That’s a nice way to start your first day, huh? ‘Hey, I’m the new guy. Hate what you’re doing here.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy’s seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won ’cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he’s a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That’s what he said.” – Jay Leno

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” – Jay Leno

“A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an ‘A’ on his first year in office. Malia was like, ‘This is the best possible day to tell dad about my ‘D’ in social studies.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he’s the most popular African-American president in history” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This isn’t good. Erroll Southers, Obama’s pick to head the TSA, withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife’s boyfriend. Yeah. Still, that’s an improvement from the TSA’s normal procedure: not performing background checks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he’s in favor of it. So, sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend.” – Jay Leno

“More problems for New York Governor David Paterson. He drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman. An eye witness said, he was cuddling and kissing her neck. Now, I think the governor is a little confused. Just because he’s legally blind, doesn’t mean we can’t see him.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey.” – Jay Leno

“Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month’s Daytona 500. She won’t have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president.” – Jay Leno

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We The People?


© Adam Zyglis

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Free Speech

Steve Sack
© Steve Sack

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Late Night Political Humor

“Hey, this is pretty big. Sarah Palin is saying that her deal with Fox News wouldn’t keep her from running for president in 2012. However, Palin did admit her deal with Fox News will keep her from winning'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, folks, it looks like California’s about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before.” – Jay Leno

“Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Do you remember the Salahis? Barack Obama throws a state dinner for the prime minister of India. And guess who shows up? The Salahis. Well, they weren’t invited. Tomorrow, they’re going to be appearing before Homeland Security to talk about that. It should be exciting. Ricky Gervais is hosting. It’ll be great.” – David Letterman

“I just read President Obama plans to deliver his State of the Union address next Wednesday, Jan. 27. Until then, he’s just at home going: ‘Please everything get better by Wednesday. Please everything get better by Wednesday.'” – Jimmy Fallon

You can tell the president is losing some of his popularity. Today, Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan visited elementary school kids in Virginia. And the kids were like: ‘Oh, my gosh. It’s Arne Duncan! It’s Arne Duncan, look! Can I have your autograph? It’s Arne Duncan!’ – Jimmy Fallon

“Chrysler is recalling 24,000 cars. May be a problem with the brake system. I said to myself: ‘They sold 24,000 cars. Really? Well, good for them. I mean, who cares if the brakes work? They’re moving cars left and right.'” – David Letterman

“You know up in Massachusetts, the big election, are you following what’s going on up there? Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat is now up for grabs. The election is pretty close. I was thinking, you know, my money is on Jay Leno.” – David Letterman

“Conan says he wants to work for a network that’s more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?” – David Letterman

“Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it’s getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren’t terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants.” – Jay Leno

“Now here’s something that I think bothers all of us. Osama bin Laden is still out doing whatever it is he does. And so the F.B.I. updated his likeness. So the F.B.I. has gotten the original photograph, and they’ve enhanced it to show what Osama bin Laden looks like now. And if you’re interested, you can see it. They put it on a carton of goat’s milk.” – David Letterman

“The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he’s become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course.” – Jay Leno

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New Flag of the Corporate States of America

By GottaLaff via Political Carnival

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Stimulus Package


© Brett Penrose

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Late Night Political Humor

“The Kennedy legacy goes down to a naked guy who owns a truck. Did you hear his bio? For God’s sakes, the guy sounds like a fictional character in some racy David E. Kelly show about politics. Tonight on an all new ‘Mass Appeal’: Senator McDangly exercises his pocket veto.” – Jon Stewart

“Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f*ck he wanted.” – Jon Stewart

“Everyone around the country is still focused on health care. President Obama recently said, ‘We’ve spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven’t been able to talk about how great the bill is over all.’ Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, ‘Not that great.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” – Jon Stewart

“The FBI has released a sketch of what Osama bin Laden looks like now. You know, he’s aged. It’s been, like, nine years. So the FBI puts out a sketch so we can get an idea what he looks like nine years older. And I said, ‘Why don’t we put out a sketch of what he looks like when he’s captured?'” – David Letterman

“There are much more important things going on in the world. The U.S. government, did you hear this, has digitally updated their file photo of Osama bin Laden? They have given him thinner hair and a greyer beard. Yeah. And also just for the fun of it, they gave him a tramp stamp.” – Conan O’Brien

“One of Osama bin Laden’s sons has written a book. And remember how excited we all were when we captured Osama bin Laden? Oh yeah, that didn’t happen.” – David Letterman

“Anyway, one of his kids has written a book. And he said his father was a cruel parent. For example, he made the kid wait until he was 18 years old before he let him blow up his first car.” – David Letterman

“On Friday, the FBI unveiled a massive Times Square billboard with a rotating display of the most-wanted criminals in the U.S. It’s all part of a new FBI plan called ‘distract tourists while they have their wallets stolen.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he’s been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?” – Jay Leno

“A new poll by TripAdvisor found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. Second-worst airplane passengers? Terrorists. ‘Ma’am, can you tell your baby to be quiet? I have an underwear bomb I have to focus up on.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Do you remember Chemical Ali? He’s been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he’s been sentenced to death. He’s very confused. He hasn’t decided what to order for his fourth last meal.” – David Letterman

“People are worried about NBC. Earlier today, President Obama announced that he’s sending in 30,000 troops. Out to Burbank.” – David Letterman

“According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that’s a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let’s appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that’ll work.” – Jay Leno

“The White House issued a statement today. They’re blaming government inefficiencies — this is true — they’re blaming it on old computers. Apparently, all the computers keep crashing. And everyone knows the only crashing tolerated at the White House is during state dinners.” – Craig Ferguson

“The White House said it’s replacing any technology that’s obsolete, broken down and causes problems. Desktops, laptops, Joe Biden: It’s all going out.” – Craig Ferguson

“First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t let her daughters watch the show ‘Jersey Shore.’ When asked why, the First Lady said, ‘Because I love my children.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, President Obama attended his daughter Malia’s school recital. Not to see her perform or anything. Just to see if any of the kids had a solution to health care. And they didn’t.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During Malia’s recital, Obama was so proud. He kept turning to other parents saying, ‘That’s my daughter up there.’ And the other parents were like, ‘You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service? Yeah, we got it. We know who your daughter is.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is very sweet. President Obama threw Michelle a surprise birthday party on Saturday night, which is why all week long, Joe Biden was like: ‘Hi, Michelle. Nothing new going on here. No secrets being kept, surprises being planned. Certainly no surprise parties. What?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents.” – Jay Leno

“They have built now, robotic women. They’re anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president.” – David Letterman

“There’s a new book out that says Sarah Palin was an ignoramus who believes Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. And I thought, well, no, that’s George Bush. Wasn’t that George Bush?” – David Letterman

“I read that a year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, ‘Yeah, technically that is change.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Smackdown: Olbermann v. Stewart

Jon Stewart takes on Keith Olbermann, and Olbermann responds … ironically:

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Who pays for all that corporate “free speech”?

Now that corporate spending to influence lawmakers has been declared to be protected free speech, who is going to end up paying for all those expensive ads and lobbyists, not to mention the cost of buying up the media so we never hear about it?


© Paul Fell

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Late Night Political Humor

“As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They’re really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden’s name was put on the do-not-fly list.” –Jay Leno

“It’s been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government’s airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it’s been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry.” – David Letterman

“She’s doing a lot of public speaking, and next week, she will be in Las Vegas speaking at a liquor convention. And what a coincidence, because I think McCain was drunk when he picked her.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they’ll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn’t work out, they’ll just blame Leno. That’s what they said.” – Jay Leno

“Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they’re having with Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“There’s big news out of Washington today. President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess that explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she’s heard about MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore,’ but she hasn’t seen it. It’s funny. That’s exactly what the people on ‘Jersey Shore’ said about the Obamas.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Despite his reputation as a blowhard, I can’t think of a single thing Olbermann says here that isn’t true

Keith Olbermann on today’s Supreme Court decision:

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