“President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. This is very shrewd. He has invited a group of Republicans to come to the White House for his Super Bowl party. He’s going to seat the ‘you lie’ guy next to the ‘not true’ guy.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because he feels like if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they’ll pass health care.” – David Letterman
“President Bush told Obama, he said, ‘Listen, you get 10 Republicans to show up, and I’ll drop in and choke on a pretzel.'” – David Letterman
“The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can’t be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto.” – Jimmy Fallon
“‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Oh, here’s something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades.” – David Letterman
“Everybody’s talking about the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: ‘Who cares? We do that every election.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. But don’t confuse that with another Clinton policy — ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Hillary.’ That was a whole different policy.” – David Letterman
“During a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is not sexy, but it’s making a difference. Oddly enough, that’s the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our number one focus in 2010. He then added, ‘Specifically, mine and Biden’s jobs.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama also had some economic advice for the American people. He told them not to blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college. Though to be fair, most recent college graduates would probably have more luck in Vegas, I think.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is getting more angry criticism today. Boy, this guy can’t get a break. Apparently, though, he told a group of high school kids in New Hampshire, and I quote: ‘When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don’t go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don’t blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you’re trying to save for college. You prioritize.’ And needless to say, people in Vegas are extremely upset. In fact, the mayor of Las Vegas said the president is not welcome in Las Vegas. I happen to agree with the mayor. How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We’re in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama has announced his administration’s plan to build a new $8 billion high-speed rail system. Have you ever ridden on Amtrak? We can’t figure out how to keep a low-speed rail system from crashing, O.K. Do you really want to go off the track at 150 miles an hour?” – Jay Leno
“And the wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has written a book about her whole ordeal. Remember, he went to Argentina to see his mistress? She says her husband kept pestering her for permission to see his mistress. See, that shows you how bad the Republicans are at cheating, O.K. They ask permission. Republicans, stick to what they know — greed. Leave adultery to Democrats.” – Jay Leno
“ABC News reports that the president of Pakistan slaughters a black goat every day since becoming president in an attempt to ward off the evil eye. It’s good to see these modern, progressive people are our allies in the war against terror.” – Jay Leno
“Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born.” – Jay Leno
“They’re now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they’ve updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO. He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it’s all very realistic.” – Jay Leno
