“Have you heard the new slogan? ‘Toyota, just try and stop us.'” – Jay Leno
“A couple of days ago, there was the annual race, people come from all over the world, and they race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. Wait a minute. You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota.” – David Letterman
“Toyota recalling 2.3 million cars because of two problems — unintended acceleration and possible brake problems. Things are not looking good for Toyota. In fact, today, two crash test dummies refused to get in the car.” – Jay Leno
“You guys hear about what’s going on with Toyota? This is crazy. It’s like, their job is to make cars, right? Well, they had a problem with gas pedals getting stuck — now, they’re recalling the Prius because the brakes don’t work. And because of this, sales of Ford cars and trucks rose 25 percent in the past month. But Ford says it’s because of its new ad slogan, ‘Ford, because Toyota is trying to kill you.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I’m coming to work in my car. Here’s how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying.” – David Letterman
“This morning, President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. Obama told the crowd that no one should go broke when they get sick in the richest nation on earth, which, I think, is his way of saying we’re going to start exporting sick people to China.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, go to Washington.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has decided to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I think he’s still mad they stiffed him in Chicago. But they said it would be very expensive to arrange proper security for Obama, so they’re sending Vice President Joe Biden in his place. Because, you know, who cares?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president won’t be at the Super Bowl either. In fact, in a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, I guess, he’s invited a group of top Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. Going to need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints’ fans, I’m telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it’s been a very long, long time.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? There you go. Talk about rock ‘n’ roll.” – David Letterman
“Listen to this. On the ‘Today’ show, this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, just turned 109 years old. What’s even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan.” – Jay Leno
“And a number of high-ranking officials in the military have come forward to say they feel gays should be allowed to serve in the armed forces. I think gay people should be allowed to serve. I mean, think about it. What are we defending here in America? Lady Gaga, ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ ‘American Idol,’ the TV show ‘Glee.’ Hello, look around, people.” – Jay Leno
“The wife of Gov. Mark Sanford — you know the guy who snuck off to Argentina to see his mistress? You know this moron, this idiot? Well, now the wife says in the book, when they got married, Mark Sanford insisted on taking the part about being faithful out of the wedding vows. Now, I’m no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn’t that a red flag?” – Jay Leno
“And then when he went on the honeymoon with someone else, that should have told her!” – Jay Leno
“There’s a new Osama bin Laden video. Gosh, I mean, this guy, what is he doing, working at Blockbuster?” – David Letterman
“There is always a new Osama bin Laden video. And in this one, he’s worried about global warming. And he’s blaming the United States for global warming. And I just thought to myself, wait a minute, this guy thinks it’s warm now, wait till he gets to hell.” – David Letterman
“And in Japan, they’ve developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. You know, kind of what Wall Street did with the dollar. It’s the same thing.” – Jay Leno
