“The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They’re building snow-bamas all over the place.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They got a lot of snow in Washington, D.C. And the city came to the biggest standstill they’ve had since the Democrats got the supermajority.” – David Letterman
“The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can’t do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He’s going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They’ll put it on the back burner and hope it melts.” – David Letterman
“Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hey, be glad you’re not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don’t think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package.” – Jay Leno
“It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs.” – Jay Leno
“And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn’t have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn’t want to take her gloves off to read.” – Jay Leno
“Did you see Sarah Palin at the Tea Party Convention on Saturday? Well, this is — I’m starting to love her, really. She mocked President Obama for using a teleprompter and then, someone noticed she had notes written on her hand. And she had the words ‘energy,’ ‘budget,’ with the word ‘cuts’ crossed off, ‘tax,’ and ‘lift American spirits’ written on her palm. It lifted my spirits, so — mission accomplished, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin’s also getting criticized because last week she demanded that Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio show and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she’s been unable to respond to the criticism because she’s wearing mittens.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Writing stuff on your hand? It’s not a good idea. It’s actually why President Bush invaded Iraq instead of Iran. He wrote it down. I guess he played, like, nine holes of golf. And now here we are.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I started doing a little something that is mighty helpful. When I come out here to tell the jokes, I have them all written in the palm of my hand.” – David Letterman
“Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually, Sarah Palin is no dummy. This is actually a calculated move designed to promote her new book, ‘Cheat Sheets and Moose Meats.’ It’s a collection of recipes that that you can write in moose blood right on your hand.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, ‘I’m wearing no pants.’ I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign.” – Jay Leno
“And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing.” – David Letterman
“First Lady Michelle Obama just launched a campaign to combat childhood obesity called ‘Let’s Move.’ And this evening, obese children started their own program called ‘Let’s Not.'” – Jimmy Fallon
