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Late Night Political Humor

“Do you know why it is a good day today? I’ll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That’s good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers.” – Craig Ferguson

“But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can’t raise or increase rates whenever they want. That’s great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson’s bar tab.” – Craig Ferguson

“I don’t keep many credit cards because I’m worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they’d beg me to take it back.” – Craig Ferguson

“Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can’t pay it back. That’s why credit card companies are evil. They’re like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.” – Craig Ferguson

“Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. ‘You don’t pay me back, I break both your legs.’ ‘Is that all? Fine.'” – Craig Ferguson

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If corporations are people, and slavery is illegal, then buying and selling of corporate shares is slavery and must be abolished!

A fascinating story on Alternet makes an interesting point. The 13th Amendment abolished slavery, so it is illegal to own a person. And yet, if corporations are people with human rights like speech, as the Supreme Court recently ruled, then these corporate persons cannot be bought or sold, so all buying and selling of stocks is unconstitutional. Therefore, the stock exchanges are slave markets and they must be shut down immediately.

Since corporations cannot exist without buying and selling stock, then corporations will cease to exist.

And if that doesn’t work, then we should just reinstitute the draft, and start drafting corporations.

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Nuclear Reconciliation

Republicans are having a nuclear meltdown about Democrats using the budget reconciliation process to pass health care reform.

Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) wrote a letter to Obama this week, urging him to rule out the possibility, saying:

The use of expedited reconciliation process to push through more dramatic changes to a health care bill of such size, scope and magnitude is unprecedented.

My favorite quote, however, is from Senator John Kyl (R-AZ), who doubles down on his whoppers, saying that budget reconciliation “was never designed for a large, comprehensive piece of legislation such as health care, as you all know. It’s a budget exercise, and that’s why some refer to it as the ‘nuclear option.'”

Note how he says “as you all know” when (as we shall see in a minute) what he is really saying is “as you all know is false”. But the killer line is when he says “some refer to it as the ‘nuclear option'”. The “some” (he cunningly doesn’t name) is actually Fox News. Fox News, in their official capacity as the propaganda arm of the Republican party, has been trying to make it sound like the Democrats are being hypocritical by proposing the use of budget reconciliation, because they opposed the “nuclear option” a few years ago when Republicans were in power:

  • In a Fox News Special Report, they “report” that reconciliation “was once called the nuclear option” and show video clips of Democrats criticizing the nuclear option when Republicans were trying to use it. Their special (fair and balanced) report then concludes “Thank you for establishing beyond all doubt that politicians are hypocrites.”
  • Speaking on the same topic, Sean Hannity asks “What do you make of the hypocrisy?”.
  • Greta Van Susteren’s show talks about “Democratic hypocrisy” noting that “years ago when it came to Republicans using reconciliation, many Democrats were singing a different tune.”
  • Glenn Beck asks “Why are they threatening this so much? Especially when they all stood up and said it was such a bad idea.”
  • And in a statement that is inherently ironic, host Brian Kilmeade of Fox and Friends says “The problem with reconciliation is the Republicans say it’s an outrage.” Oh, I see, according to Fox News the problem is what Republicans say about something, not that there is any actual problem.

In fact, Fox News is just plain lying when they say that budget reconciliation is the same thing as the “nuclear option”. They think that their viewers are too stupid to remember that the “nuclear option” was a Republican scheme to change Senate filibuster rules on judicial nominees so they could stack the courts with right-wing ideologues. The term itself was coined by former Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) and has absolutely nothing to do with budget reconciliation.

The Budget Reconciliation process is not a change to Senate rules at all. Republicans themselves have used the budget reconciliation process many, many times, including to pass Bush’s tax cuts in 2001 and 2003 as well as the 2005 “Tax Increase Prevention and Reconciliation Act” (note the word “Reconciliation” in the title of the bill). Republicans also tried to use budget reconciliation to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling (but failed since some Republicans opposed it).

So equating budget reconciliation with the “nuclear option” (which Democrats rightly opposed) is just a lie. What about claims that budget reconciliation isn’t used for health care bills? That one is laughably false. A story in (of all places) NPR points out, the overwhelming majority of health care legislation in the past 30 years has been passed using budget reconciliation.

For example, take COBRA, the law that allows you to keep your company’s health care plan for a limited time after you are laid off. The only reason it is called COBRA is because it was a (small) part of the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985. The name COBRA has nothing to do with health care, it is all about budget reconciliation. Not only that, but COBRA was passed when the Republicans were in power.

In addition to COBRA, the childrens’ health program called CHIP, major expansions of medicare, and many other bills were passed using reconciliation. Not only have most recent major pieces of health care legislation been passed using budget reconciliation, but the majority of those were passed when Republicans controlled at least one chamber of Congress.

Bottom line: budget reconciliation is not the “nuclear option”. It is not new, and it is not a change to Senate rules. In fact, it is used all the time, by both Republicans and Democrats. It has been used to pass the majority of health care legislation in the past 30 years, by Republicans more often than by Democrats. So for the Republicans to accuse the Democrats of hypocrisy for using budget reconciliation is the height of hypocrisy!

Note that it is also instructive to examine how the Republican propaganda machine works. Step one: Andrew Breitbart shows a video on his blog equating budget reconciliation with the ‘nuclear option’. Then Fox News piles on with story after story, even though it is clear that they know they are lying. Hannity, Van Susteren, Dick Morris, Bret Baier, and Bill Sammon all falsely compared budget reconciliation with the “nuclear option”. They even use a graphic of a mushroom cloud from a nuclear bomb:

And finally, a Republican senator, picking his words carefully to ensure plausible deniability, says that “some refer to it as the ‘nuclear option'”. He doesn’t say that reconciliation is the same thing as the nuclear option, because he knows that is false and he could get called on it. The other mainstream media (other than NPR) don’t bother to point out the lie, and stupid voters end up thinking that the Democrats are being hypocritical, when it is the Republicans who are knowingly lying through their teeth.

UPDATE: PolitiFact rates as True the claim that Republicans have used budget reconciliation more than Democrats. In fact, they looked at the cases where budget reconciliation was specifically used to avoid a Senate filibuster, and find that Republicans used it four times more often than Democrats.

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Is Failure an Option?


© Joel Pett

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Late Night Political Humor

“We’re finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That’s right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn’t know they had an air force.” – Bill Maher

“And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith’s fat ass.” – Bill Maher

“The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.” – Bill Maher

“You’re watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.” – David Letterman

“Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.” – David Letterman

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the ‘mistress in your region.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One award moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, ‘Who’s the retard in the blanket?'” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It’s because Biden removed Cheney’s dungeon at the White House.” – David Letterman

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What if they held a Tea Party and nobody came?

While the media is busy with their favored narrative about the teabaggers, covering tea party events with “hundreds” of protestors, they have completely ignored protests in support of health care reform, like this one with thousands of protestors in NYC. Or this eight day march from Philadelphia to DC of Insurance Company Survivors.

Is it because health care reformers don’t have a catchy name, like the “teabaggers” do? Or because they don’t make those hilarious spelling mistakes in their signs?

I noticed that some of the demonstrators were carrying umbrellas, signifying the need for expanded health care coverage. Is this the start of the Umbrella Party?

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Political Matchmaking and Dirty Dancing

PolluterHarmony.com is a satiric “dating” site that plays matchmaker between big polluters, lobbyists, and the politicians who love them too much. They’ve produced some hilarious fake ads, like this one about how they found sweet romance for Senator Lisa Murkowski:

Polluter Harmony is a project of Polluter Watch. From their site:

When we launched Polluterharmony, we wanted to be sure that the new online dating service for polluters, lobbyists, and politicians reached those who need it most; all those lonely legislators looking for their very own match. … As it turned out, Polluterharmony has been a hit, quickly becoming the #1 matchmaking site for polluters, industry lobbyists, and politicians! It’s great that more public officials have had a chance to learn about this exciting new service.

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Is Glenn Beck Pulling a Stephen Colbert?

Glenn Beck talks completely crazy at the CPAC conference. Beck goes on and on about the evils of “progressivism” like “income taxes” and “spending” and finishes up disclosing how he learned about these dangers: “I educated myself. I went to the library and books are free.”

I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that Beck is really that stupid. Did he really just say that he learned about the evils of progressivism by utilizing an institution that is the embodiment of progressivism? As Jon Stewart points out:

Glenn, the library isn’t free! It’s paid for with tax money. Free public libraries are the result of the Progressive movement to communally share books. The first public library was the Boston public library in 1854. It’s statement of purpose: every citizen has the right to access community owned resources. Community owned? That sounds just like communist. You’re a communist!

Watch the video (via The Daily Show):

So, is Glenn Beck really that idiotic? Or is he a faux conservative who is secretly making fun of conservatives — like Colbert — but just taking it to an entire new level of irony, going one step beyond Sacha Baron Cohen?

UPDATE: Even the GOP establishment — including Rush Limbaugh — are getting scared by Glenn Beck. This is hilarious!

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Indisputable Proof of Global Warming

Will the conservatives will get their undies tied up in knots over this?

(This was sent to me in an email. If anyone knows the original source, please let me know so I can credit them. I did find a french version, but I’m not sure it is the original.)

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In Search of the Democratic Party

Leonard Nimoy looks for the Democratic Party, and ends up discovering the truth about why they can’t get anything done:

By Ted Rall and David Essman.

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In the Mic of the Beholder


© Steve Breen

Even Obama pointed out that many Republicans are hypocritically claiming the stimulus bill is bad, while simultaneously trying to take credit for projects that the stimulus bill funded in their districts.

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No Sense – Check it Out


© John Sherffius

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Late Night Political Humor

“Spring training started. And the Phillies, look out for the Phillies. They get this guy, Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in all of baseball. But listen to this, the Mets, very competitive. You know who they signed? They signed that guy who threw the shoes at President Bush.” – David Letterman

“President Obama has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, ‘It’s nucular!’ – David Letterman

“The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door.” – David Letterman
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“President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They’ve even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president smoothed things over by not holding the meeting in the Oval Office, which I guess makes it more important, and by inviting Michelle Obama’s momma, Johnny Drama and Wilmer Valderrama in pajamas. So there’s no way that the Chinese can be angry at that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he’s going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“There’s a bit of a scandal in men’s figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for ‘fabulous.'” – David Letterman

“In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It’s all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores.” – David Letterman

“How is it that the Olympics can hand out 250 medals in a few weeks? It takes ‘American Idol’ 58 weeks to pick one karaoke singer.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Feet on the Furniture

A reader forwarded this email that has been making the rounds of the tinfoil hat crowd:

Does this photo of President Obama in the Oval Office convey anything to you about his attitude? Would you speak with the Chief of Staff, your Chief Economic Adviser, and your Senior Adviser with your feet up on the Resolute Desk — a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1880?

We should inundate the White House with emails demanding he keep his feet off of our furniture. This arrogant, immature & self-centered man has no sense of honor, or of simple decency. While this posture is disrespectful in any culture, it is absolutely never done in any executive setting. Further, in over half of the cultures of the world, it is recognized not only as disrespectful, but as an extreme insult.

He thinks of himself as a king — and not as a servant of the people, humbly occupying our White House for his term in office. Electing him was an enormous mistake — and will cost us in many ways, for generations.

There is a slightly longer version of the same email on the wonderful urban legend site Snopes.com, along with a clear rebuttal of the points in the email.

But the best part are these photographs:

Now, I’m not willing to go so far as to accuse the people who are forwarding this letter of racism, since it is clear that Bush and Ford were being respectful when they put their feet on “our” desk, while Obama’s feet were getting all uppity on the furniture.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Here’s something to really get excited about. The Winter Olympics: here we go. And, of course, earlier tonight, the opening ceremonies up there in Vancouver. I always enjoy the parade of nations that hate the U.S. Isn’t it nice?” – David Letterman

“The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They’re vacation activities. I feel like I’m watching someone’s home movies.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as ‘commuting.’ ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC has exclusive rights to the games, so we can’t show any footage from the Olympics. In fact, I’m not even supposed to say the word, ‘Olympics.’ That may have cost us $800,000 right there.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can’t go wrong with another pair of ladies’ sunglasses.” – David Letterman

“Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month … Because, when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.” – David Letterman

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