“President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit today. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you’re bleeding.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At the end of the day, the Republicans proved they are not the party of No. They’re the party of ‘F*ck No!'” – Bill Maher
“Obama and several others made the point that Congress uses taxpayer money to buy themselves excellent health insurance. It actually led to a plan to make everyone in the country a member of Congress, so congratulations, representatives.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Being politicians you know, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. And Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain’s told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.” – Bill Maher
“At the end of all of this, Obama says, he doesn’t think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You’re just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they’re not that into you. Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres.” – Bill Maher
“The U.S. Mint has announced they’re redesigning the penny. It’s going to have Abraham Lincoln on the front and a shield on the back. Lincoln is probably thinking, ‘Sure, now you give me a shield.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The Olympics have been a mixed blessing for Canada. They were hoping to win more medals than any other country, but they are way behind. You would think that at this point, Canada would be very comfortable not being number one.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Olympic Games were fun, but there were some high-profile mistakes, come on. Admit it. Like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge.” – Bill Maher
“The Winter Olympics end on Sunday and even our weather is beating Canada. We’re completely out-snowing them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The whole East Coast is covered in snow right now. Millions of people are unable to get to where they used to work.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The weather in L.A. is unbelievable. Today I had to dig my car out from under 18 inches of sunshine.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bernie Madoff’s daughter-in-law, Stephanie Madoff, is changing her name. She says the Madoff name is tainted with scandal and she wants a name with less negative connotation. She is now known as Stephanie bin Laden.” – Craig Ferguson
“Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The Angel of Duh himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart…” – Bill Maher
“It’s a bad day for General Motors. They’re shutting down the Hummer. The Chinese were going to buy it, but after careful consideration, the Chinese decided they don’t want it. You know you’re in pretty bad shape when you can’t even give away a Hummer.” – Craig Ferguson
