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Caffeine Dissonance

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


© Matt Bors

Starbucks is getting pushed into the middle of a debate about retailers’ open-carry policies.

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God Help Us

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


© Joel Pett

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Why Hasn’t There Been a Tea Party Protest Against This Socialism?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Conservatives in general, and tea partiers in particular have decided that anything that even smells like socialism is evil, and must be protested vigorously. However, they seem to have overlooked a bastion of corporate socialism in the US. Why aren’t they protesting this? Are they closet socialism fans?

I am talking (of course) about the National Football League.

The NFL, socialist? Why, football is as American as apple pie. Isn’t it? How could it be socialist?

Here’s how:

  • Salaries are not driven by free-market tenets. Instead, there is both a “salary cap” and a “salary floor” that requires the individual NFL franchises to spend the same amount on player salaries each year. Where’s the competition for players?
  • The Supreme Court has ruled that corporate money is free speech, but in the case of the NFL, the franchises are prohibited from using using their money in order to hire better players. In other words, the whole game is rigged!
  • Even worse, the teams cannot hire whomever they want. There is a socialist “draft” that gives the highest picks to the weakest teams. What kind of system punishes winners and rewards losers? How can we expect to compete in the Olympics with commie pinko athletics programs like this?
  • Not just the player salaries are run in a socialist manner. The owners of the franchises divide up television revenue equally (also known as “each according to their need”).

Ironically, it is the players and the owners who are trying to tear down this blatantly socialist system, when it is the fans who should be protesting this. The owners are complaining that they are paying players too much, and want to change the formula, but the players are not willing to change the formula unless they can see the owner’s financial records. As a result salaries are going to shoot up this year, and there is every probability of a lockout next year by the owners.

So there will be no football. But if that is the price we have to pay to fight socialism, it will be worth it.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, March 8, 2010

“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'” – David Letterman

“But I don’t know how serious this is. I won’t believe that there’s real trouble with the governor until I hear that he’s told his staff he’s hiking on the Appalachian Trail.” – David Letterman

“New York Gov. David Paterson said he will not run for election but he will serve his full term. He’s going to finish his term. He’s going to keep being governor ’till the very end. Did you hear that, Sarah? ‘Till the end. He’s going to continue to be the governor ’till the very end.” – David Letterman

“Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book here, it’s called ‘Duh!'” – Jay Leno

“Karl Rove’s new memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ is coming out next week. Not sure if ‘Courage and Consequence’ is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than ‘Oopsies.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Scientists in Britain have developed a new camera that can identify a terrorist by the shape of their nose. Yeah, it’s all part of the new technology called ‘racism.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you’re a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.” – Jay Leno

“Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh’s Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It’s an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that’s just the medicine cabinet.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new report found that a line of cocaine is now cheaper than a cup of coffee. Although, if you’re choosing to snort coke instead of drinking coffee in the morning, it was never really about the money, was it?” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s more crazy news coming out of the auto industry. Today, Nissan recalled over half a million cars with faulty brakes and fuel gauges. Toyota was like, ‘just half a million? Oh, that’s cute.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys ‘R’ Us parking lot.” – Jay Leno

“Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: ‘Why didn’t we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?'” – Jay Leno

“Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, ‘Am I still drunk, or is that a kid’s voice?'” – Jay Leno

“Not a great day for that air traffic controller at JFK. Did you hear about this? He let his young son talk to planes on the radio. Authorities say this is the worst abuse of ‘bring your kid to work day’ since Woody Allen.” – Craig Ferguson

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The Senate health care reform bill doesn’t fund abortions

Monday, March 8, 2010

One of the big issues surrounding health care reform is whether or not it will provide funding for abortions. Even in this blog, I’ve had people claim that the Senate health care bill would “force everyone to tithe to abortion providers”. Many people are opposed to this bill only because they believe it funds abortions.

This week, Congressman Bart Stupak went on “Good Morning America” and said “If you go to Page 2069 through Page 2078 [of the Senate bill] you will find in there the federal government would directly subsidize abortions, plus every enrollee in the Office of Personnel Management-enrolled plan, every enrollee has to pay a minimum of one dollar per month toward reproductive rights, which includes abortions.”

Timothy Noah at Slate finally did something that apparently the mainstream media is too lazy to do — they actually read the bill. (You can too!) And — surprise, surprise — they found that it does not fund abortions at all (other than in cases of rape, incest, or threat to the mother’s life — the same exceptions in current law). In fact, the bill goes out of its way to make sure that it doesn’t fund abortions.

One has to wonder if Stupak has even read those pages he refers to. This is what it actually says:

  • “If a qualified plan provides [abortion] coverage … the issuer of the plan shall not use any amount attributable to [health reform’s government-funding mechanisms] for purposes of paying for such services.”
  • If an insurance plan does want to cover abortions it can, but the insurance company must charge for that coverage separately, so that no federal funding is used.
  • The bill even goes so far as to require that all insurance pools include a plan that does not cover abortions, so that nobody will ever be forced to pay for abortion coverage.
  • Furthermore, insurance companies do not have to provide any plans that cover abortions if they don’t want to, and any state, if they wish, can pass a law that forbids insurance companies from covering abortions in any of their plans.

In other words, Stupak is lying. The bill prohibits federal funding from being used for abortions, and makes sure that nobody is ever forced to pay for abortion coverage.

I applaud Slate for (finally) doing something that the media is supposed to do. Too bad George Stephanopoulos was too lazy.

I also applaud an article on health care reform from a completely unexpected source, BusinessWeek. This article is not explicitly for or against health care reform, but is the kind of thoughtful discussion that the media should be having with us about the issues. Read it.

UPDATE: PolitiFact also agrees that the Senate Health Reform bill doesn’t fund abortions. And anyway, just to make the Right-To-Life fanatics happy, Obama has agreed to put in double-sure extra prohibitions against abortions. So why are they still opposing the health care reform bill? Is it because it isn’t really about abortion, after all?

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Changing the rules in the middle of the game

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

We’ve been trying to reform our health care system for almost 80 years. Do you really want to start over?

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Everything you thought you knew about the Bush administration is wrong

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Dana Milbank has a scathing review of Karl “Bush’s Brain” Rove’s new book in the Washington Post. Apparently Rove misses being the master of doublespeak, and so is rewriting the history of the Bush administration. Here are some quotes from Rove’s book:

  • “Did Bush lie us into war? Absolutely not.”
  • “The president never authorized torture. He did just the opposite.”
  • Did Bush drag his feet about global warming? No. “He was aggressive and smart on this front.”
  • Rove even claims that spending was “far below average” under Bush, even though Bush turned a budget surplus into a record deficit, and nearly doubled the national debt.
  • Rove doesn’t regret the Iraq war (although he does admit that it might not have been waged if it had been known that there were no WMDs there), but he does regret that he didn’t attack the war’s critics more fiercely. Seriously.
  • Claims that Bush administration officials tried to establish a link between Iraq and 9/11? Rove says that those accusations were a “dangerous falsehood”.
  • Bush’s slanderous attacks on McCain during the 2000 presidential primary? Rove claims that Bush apologized (he didn’t) and that McCain rejected Bush’s apology as inadequate.
  • Rove claims that Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” bill was “one of the great modern domestic policy successes”.
  • Bush kept reading “My Pet Goat” after being told of the first 9/11 attack because he “wanted to project calm”.
  • Rove tries to blame the outing of Valerie Plame on Bob Novak, who is conveniently now dead.

UPDATE: More quotes from Rove on CNN.

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Justifiable Terrorism?

Saturday, March 6, 2010


© Jim Morin

In The American Spectator, Jeffrey Lord wrote:

President Obama and his liberal allies will surely now concede that their push to spend trillions, a push that they intend to use as an excuse resulting in higher taxes, is responsible for sending this apparently crazed pilot plunging into this Austin IRS headquarters.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, March 6, 2010

“Hello. Thank you, Jay. Thank you. I’m so happy to get to be here. This is a thrill of a lifetime really. And Alaska, being so different from Los Angeles. Here when people have a frozen look on their face, I find out it’s Botox.” – Sarah Palin (on Jay Leno’s show)

“I’ve been really busy. I picked up a gig in Las Vegas at the Legends show, playing Tina Fey.” – Sarah Palin (on Jay Leno’s show)

“I love the biathlon. That’s the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, ‘date night.'” – Jay Leno

“Did you guys watch the season finale of ‘The Bachelor’ last night? Well, fans are not happy that Jake proposed to Vienna instead of Tenley. Yeah, people are very angry that he picked a lady that nobody really likes. And then John McCain was like, ‘Hey, it happens.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, the White House announced a contest for high schools to have President Obama speak at their graduation. It’s really exciting, because so far, Obama has only given speeches at 70% of the nation’s high schools.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” – Jay Leno

“Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama yesterday had his annual physical. Annual checkup. Apparently everything is all right. Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy.” – David Letterman

“But Obama’s physical turned out great. The doctor said a couple of things. He said: ‘Cut out the cigarettes. Also, try to stay out of Toyotas.'” – David Letterman

“You guys been following this recall stuff? It’s getting totally out of hand. Now the Obama administration might require all cars to have an override system in case the brake pedal doesn’t work. Personally, I like the old override system — a tree.” – Jimmy Fallon

“More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas.” – Jay Leno

“Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He’s saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don’t get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It’s called ‘What Would Dick Cheney Do?'” – Jay Leno

“You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. When he gets out here, if he looks familiar, you may have seen him on ‘The Young and the Restless.’ He plays Tyler Cavanaugh IV. True story.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he’s like that new senator from Massachusetts. He’s like Scott Brown, but with pants.” – David Letterman

“People magazine has confirmed that former President Clinton called Tiger Woods to offer his support during the ordeal. For real. They have things in common, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a nice thing to do, a nice gesture between two, you know, kindred spirits. It actually reminds me of the time President Bush called Homer Simpson after Homer stapled his face to a doughnut.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know which conversation I would rather hear, Bill and Tiger or Elin and Hillary on the phone together.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Global Warming: Don’t Fear the Reaper

Friday, March 5, 2010

A while ago, we gave you ten ironic reasons to support health care reform, but now we (finally) can give you an ironic reason (albeit just one) to not be too concerned about global warming (we know you were desperately looking for a reason to ignore it).

A panel of 41 international experts has reviewed all the existing evidence on the massive Cretaceous-Teriary extinction, which killed off over two-thirds of the species on earth including the dinosaurs, and has concluded that it was caused by a 15km wide asteroid that slammed into the Yucatan peninsula 65 million years ago. The impact resulted in a crater whose walls were (briefly) as high as the Himalayas, and ejected so much material into the atmosphere that temperatures plunged, wiping out most of the life on earth in a matter of days. Clearly, a change in global climate can cause major problems to life on earth.

But there is a bright side to this story. The study concludes:

These terrifying events led to darkness and a global winter, resulting in the extinction of more than 70% of known species. The tiny shrew-like mammals which were around at that time proved better adapted to survival than the cumbersome dinosaurs, and the removal of these dominant animals paved the way for the radiation of the mammals and eventual emergence of humans on Earth.

So I guess that if we are too stupid and cumbersome to overcome global warming, we might just be paving the way for some other — smarter — species to become the new dominant animals.

Maybe cockroaches?

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Jon Stewart Goes After Fox News

Friday, March 5, 2010
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Democrat Grayson Leading in Republican Primary

Friday, March 5, 2010

Do you remember Representative Alan Grayson (D-FL) who stood up in Congress and said that the Republican health care plan was “Don’t get sick” and if you do get sick to “Die Quickly”. At the time, Republicans vowed to target Grayson and defeat him.

So how’s that working out? Well, they certainly found people to run against him. In fact, there are 13 Republicans running in the Republican primary. But in a recent poll, the person who Republicans would choose to run against Grayson, is Grayson himself! In fact, in the poll, Grayson got more votes than all of the (real) Republican candidates combined.

There are a number of possible explanations for this:

  • Republicans in Florida vote based on name recognition only.
  • Republicans admire Grayson for standing up for what he believes in, even though what he believes is that the Republicans are “knuckle-dragging Neanderthals”.
  • The poll also found that some of the support comes from Republicans who admire Grayson for defending the US Constitution. Grayson carries a copy of the Constitution with him, and in 2009 passed a resolution calling for schools to dedicate a week in September for teaching the Constitution. This September, he will be teaching the Constitution personally in high schools. He has also distributed tens of thousands of copies of the Constitution in his district, including one to every high school senior.

But no matter the explanation, I think it is clear that Democrats should not be afraid to stand up to the Republicans and should laugh at their threats.

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Politicians attempt to use big words, fail

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The South Dakota legislature tries to legislate reality, and fails big time. House Concurrent Resolution No. 1009 calls “for the balanced teaching of global warming in the public schools of South Dakota”, but then proceeds with a list the standard anti-climate-change talking points.

For example, did you know that “carbon dioxide is not a pollutant but rather a highly beneficial ingredient for all plant life on earth”? I don’t disagree, but manure is also a highly beneficial ingredient for plants, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be covered in it. And water is arguably the most important ingredient for all life, but if the ice caps keep melting it is going to cause floods of biblical proportions. Just because something is essential for life, doesn’t mean that more of it is always better. You can have too much of a good thing (for example, salt).

The biggest argument presented by the resolution is:

WHEREAS, more than 31,000 American scientists collectively signed a petition to President Obama stating: “There is no convincing scientific evidence that human release of carbon dioxide, or methane, or other greenhouse gasses is causing or will, in the foreseeable future, cause catastrophic heating of the earth’s atmosphere and disruption of the earth’s climate. Moreover, there is substantial scientific evidence that increases in atmospheric carbon dioxide will produce many beneficial effects on the natural plant and animal environments of the earth”

They fail to mention that said petition was circulated in 1998, ten years before Obama was elected president, and was debunked even back then (before the bulk of the research confirming global warming was done).

But my favorite part of the resolution is this line:

That there are a variety of climatological, meteorological, astrological, thermological, cosmological, and ecological dynamics that can effect world weather phenomena and that the significance and interrelativity of these factors is largely speculative;

Wow, the use of all those big words almost convinced me that they must know what they are talking about, until I noticed that they used the word “astrological” rather than “astronomical”. I guess this bill was just born under a bad sign.

And just to be picky, someone should learn the difference between the words “effect” and “affect”.

UPDATE: A reader points out that the use of the word “thermological” is a gaffe as well — thermology is the medical use of infrared imaging for diagnostic purposes (often used to detect breast cancer), and has nothing to do with global warming.

Oh, and they appear to have just made up the word “interrelativity”. Not in any dictionary I know of. Not sure what it would mean if it was a word!

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, March 4, 2010

“Weren’t the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy.” – David Letterman

“The Canadian men’s hockey team beat the United States in overtime yesterday to win the gold medal. They were up all night celebrating. President Obama kept banging a broom on the border, but they just wouldn’t stop.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.” – Jimmy Kimmel

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it’s like to drive a Toyota.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, as you may have heard, former Vice President Dick Cheney is doing fine after suffering his fifth heart attack. He is like the Apolo Ohno of heart attacks.” – Jay Leno

“Now how about this? Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack. He’s O.K., resting comfortably. And the doctor, after they made the diagnosis, stamped his card and the sixth one is free.” – David Letterman

“Well, the good news is, the former vice president is doing fine, and his doctors said that sneer will be back on his face in no time.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama had his annual physical checkup. Everything is perfect. So who needs health care now?” – David Letterman

“The physical went well, until a couple of uninvited guests showed up for the colonoscopy.” – David Letterman

“President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer.” – Jay Leno

“Buzz Aldrin will be on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Republicans show their desperation to stop health care reform

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Rachel Maddow with some of the best coverage of health care reform I’ve seen:

Note that this is a followup to this video.

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