Political Irony

“Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, ‘The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama, boy, he’s feeling like a Toyota driver today. There’s no stopping him.” – Jay Leno

“How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don’t worry. It’s covered by the new health care plan.” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from ‘Yes, we can,’ to ‘Yes, we finally did something.'” – Jay Leno

“After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. ‘I love you. I’m serious. You’re the best. You guys are the best.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, this all couldn’t have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.” – Jay Leno

“Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don’t know if that’s true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They’re adding Dennis Kucinich’s face to it.” – Jay Leno

“And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it’s the same plan Congress has. See, I think that’s a mistake. I think that’s why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don’t think so.” – Jay Leno

“What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I’ll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody’s getting cocky now that there’s free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?” – Craig Ferguson

“Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I’m unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed.” – David Letterman

“And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it’s another unnecessary war. You’ll feel better about it already.” – Jay Leno

“This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, ‘the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making’ that he’s seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn’t be more savory, in fact. And that’s not a liberal or conservative point of view. That’s an American statement right there, a fat American statement.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: ‘O.K., all right. We didn’t think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.’ They’ve come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine.” – David Letterman

“McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he’s no longer cooperating with the road runner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is kind of crazy. I don’t know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s ridiculous: 38 percent believe he’s like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn’t even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it’s lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck.” – David Letterman

“And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don’t we have a path to citizenship? It’s called the San Diego Freeway.” – Jay Leno

“Don’t let people lie to you. We’re not out of this recession. Anybody here think we’re out of the recession? No, we’re not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, ‘Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'” – David Letterman

“And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army’s new slogan, ‘Don’t ask, no seconds.'” – Jay Leno

“You know what’s coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can’t have that attitude. You’ve got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There’s changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It’s a third category.” – David Letterman

“You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock’s husband.” – David Letterman

“Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama’s presidential library because that’s where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, ‘I got to hit the library,’ isn’t it? So, it’s kind of perfect.” – Jimmy Fallon

“No matter what your political party, this week we saw a great American do something many said couldn’t be done. That’s right. Buzz Aldrin did the cha-cha on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ and that was just something.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.” – David Letterman

“Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great.” – Jay Leno

“Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy.” – David Letterman

“President Obama won one of the great — they’re calling it — the ‘great legislative victories of the last 50 years’ last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it ‘Armageddon.’ Personally, I think it’s great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It’s got to be worth something.” – Jay Leno

“And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh.” – David Letterman

“Do you know who’s going to be in charge of health care? The IRS. No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they’re in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?” – Jay Leno

“And we’re getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends.” – Jay Leno

“And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.” – Jay Leno

“Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That’s the problem.” – David Letterman

“See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you’re still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new Gallup poll, Congress’s approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn’t get any bailout money.” – Jay Leno

“And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy’s history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn’t want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, ‘Wait a minute, it’s no different than flying Southwest.'” – Jay Leno

“And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it’s either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating.” – Jay Leno

“Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It’s a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. ‘I don’t think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.’ They don’t? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.” – Bill Maher

“The Democrats are working overtime to get 216 votes to pass healthcare on Sunday. Which means Rahm Emanuel is prowling the showers like the head of a prison gang.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The healthcare debate is getting ugly. Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner got into such a heated argument that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections.” – Jay Leno

“People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.” – Bill Maher

“I’m so pumped for this weekend. My friends are coming over. We’re gonna pound some beers, paint our faces, and watch the healthcare vote go down on C-SPAN.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?” – Bill Maher

“Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to ‘everybody.'” – Jay Leno

“Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.” – Bill Maher

“Tomorrow is the first day of spring. This is the time of year when we’re reminded that love is like a Toyota; it can’t be stopped. If you don’t believe me, consider that there is now a video of John Edwards performing oral sex on Rielle Hunter when she was six month pregnant. Because who doesn’t love watching a politician kiss a baby?” – Bill Maher

“Today we celebrate Saint Patrick, the guy that drove all of the Toyotas out of Ireland.” – Jay Leno

“It was a beautiful day here in New York for the Saint Patrick’s Day parade — over 60 degrees outside! I guess it’s just that old ‘Luck o’ the Global Warming.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“To celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, President Obama spoke with the wee Dennis Kucinich.” – Jay Leno

“Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama’s healthcare bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Bloomberg has done a remarkable job. Yesterday, he was twice mistaken for a leprechaun.” – David Letterman

“In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different — at the end of the rainbow, there’s just a gay bar.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That’s like John Edwards going on ‘The Marriage Ref.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Continental Airlines has begun charging customers for seats with extra leg room. It’s just an illusion. After your wallet becomes thinner, you can sit further back in the seat.” – Jay Leno

“Tax time is right around the corner. My accountant says I could save a lot of money if I move the show to the Canary Islands.” – David Letterman

“The American College of Cardiology says that over-exercise can be as bad for your heart as no exercise at all. This could affect nearly two Americans.” – Jay Leno