Political Irony

© Jack Ohman

“Former Gov. Sarah Palin has been very busy. She’s been campaigning for select Republicans, including John McCain, who’s in the middle of a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? ‘And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, Sarah Palin!”‘ – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know who is out campaigning now again? John McCain and his buddy Sarah Palin. I mean, come on, it worked so well the last time.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin had a weekend for her: Changing diapers; opening up jars of baby food; cutting meat into little pieces. Just another day campaigning with John McCain.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin was campaigning in a, you know, a motorcycle jacket. She looks like somebody Jesse James would date.” – David Letterman

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? President Obama, big surprise visit to see the folks in Afghanistan. Did you read all about that? That’s kind of exciting. It turns out he was shooting an episode of ‘Undercover Boss.'” – David Letterman

“He met with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai was late for the meeting. You know why he was late for the meeting? He had transportation trouble. The accelerator on his camel.” – David Letterman

“Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn’t even have a chance to say something stupid about it.” – Jay Leno

“This was an important meeting. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News.” – David Letterman

“Obama demanded more accountability. He said we got to have more accountability, we got to have a crackdown on corruption; we have to have a better government. And he said if it works in Afghanistan, we’re going to try it back home in the United States.” – David Letterman

“And over in Afghanistan, the U.S. military is now using pilotless drones to attack Al Qaeda. Do you know what those are? It’s a plane that doesn’t have any pilot. It’s flown by remote control by somebody on the ground. Or as Southwest calls that, ‘the next step.'” – Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape.” – Jay Leno

“Well, the FBI is now saying that Al Qaeda may be planning an attack on a U.S. sports stadium. See, I don’t think Al Qaeda, though, has any idea about our sports. You know what their big plan is? To hit Wrigley Field during the World Series.” – Jay Leno

“Congress is now preparing to pass yet another jobs bill. You know how to create more jobs in this country? Fire the people that wrote the first jobs bill. That obviously didn’t work.” – Jay Leno

“And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba.” – Jay Leno

“And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway.” – Jay Leno

“I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they’re saying, ‘Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.’ And America saw that and said, ‘I think I’ll go with the calm black man.'” – Bill Maher

“As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage … This week was one giant-kid-screaming-in-the-cereal-aisle tantrum. From the right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.” – Bill Maher

“There’s a Democratic congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.” – Bill Maher

“Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th — and by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand. A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them, ‘How’s that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?’ Great, actually. Thanks for asking. And how’s that whole Hooked on Phonics thing working out for you?’ – Bill Maher

“Today in Arizona, John McCain and Sarah Palin appeared together at a campaign rally. Palin gave her standard stump speech, which means you ask a question, and she’s stumped.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama was at a bookstore in Iowa yesterday and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ son. Gibbs said, ‘It’s a little expensive, sir’ and Obama said, ‘I can handle it.’ Then he called the president of China and said, ‘Can I borrow 37 bucks?'” – Jimmy Fallon

It isn’t that Raj Patel’s life hasn’t been interesting. Naomi Klein called his first book “dazzling” and his latest book is a fascinating analysis of our recent financial meltdown. And appearing on The Colbert Report to promote his new book is ironic all by itself, but that’s when things got really weird.

Apparently, a little-known religious group has decided that Patel is the messiah who will save the world. But Patel is a reluctant savior, and wants nothing to do with it. He even put a statement on his website categorically stating that he is not their prophesized messiah. But like in the Monty Python movie “The Life of Brian”, his followers claim that his denial was also part of the prophesy.

But the best part is that his family thinks the whole thing is hilarious. They recently gave him a t-shirt with the words “he’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy”.

© Jeff Danziger

“According to Men’s Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they’re in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government’s paying for it now. Who cares?” – Jay Leno

“An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can’t trust politicians.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, ‘Elections have consequences.’ Well, of course, elections have consequences. That’s why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she’s trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet.” – Jay Leno

“I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi’s popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.” ”’ – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s something amazing: A North Carolina jury, this week, awarded $9 million to a jilted wife, from the other woman. The other woman has to pay $9 million to the wife for breaking up her marriage. Wait, do you realize how historic this is? Guys, for the first time in history, women are agreeing it’s not the guy’s fault. It’s her fault! This is what men have been saying for years. Poor John Edwards. He was tricked.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It’s going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here’s part of the problem: Most Americans count as two.” – David Letterman

“Have you filled out a census form? Here’s the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That’s what they’re saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate.” – David Letterman

“You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers.” – David Letterman

“Jersey Shore’ is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it’s called ‘Another Reason to Hate America.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“James Cameron, who directed ‘Avatar,’ is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.” – Craig Ferguson

“The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It’s a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country’s long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It’s unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn’t his fault.” – Jimmy Kimmel