“You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a ‘socialist free food giveaway.'” – Jay Leno
“President and Mrs. Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. Dozens of children gathered on the White House lawn to roll eggs toward a finish line while the president cheered them on and Republicans tried to block them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“As you probably know, Michelle Obama’s pet project is raising awareness of childhood obesity, so they didn’t just roll eggs this year. They rolled a few fat kids to make an example of them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And last week, Sarah Palin gave a speech in Nevada, where she criticized President Barack Obama for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is Sarah Palin thinks that’s an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them a teacher.” – Jay Leno
“Well, here’s some good news. The United States and Russia have signed a historic nuclear weapons treaty. Apparently, Russia is getting a little nervous. They heard we had successfully mounted a warhead on a Toyota Prius.” – Jay Leno
“Today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ game. Obama took a short windup and threw a high-arcing pitch. Of course, Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it ‘way to the left and possibly socialist.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. And then Vice President Joe Biden was thrown out for cursing at the umpire.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, President Obama didn’t actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher’s mitt through a series of back-door dealings.” – Jay Leno
“Then later this afternoon, the president threw out the first pitch at the season opener for the Washington Nationals. You know, baseball has started again. The last time the president threw out a first pitch was at the All-Star Game last year, which was notable, mostly because he was wearing his famous mom jeans when he did it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Wisely, the president decided to donate those lady pants to the Smithsonian. And today, he sported a pair of gray slacks. The pants were better, but the pitch wasn’t. That was more like a free throw than a pitch. Maybe his pitching power was stored in that pair of mom jeans, and now, like Samson without his pony tail, his strength is gone.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And a man in Punxsutawney, Pa., last week was charged with public drunkenness after cops caught him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a flattened, roadkill opossum. Look, I know Obama’s health care is supposed to include everybody. But look, this is crazy. It’s too much.” – Jay Leno
“The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten people.” – Jay Leno
“Well, yesterday, a 7.2 earthquake hit southwest of Tijuana. They say the earthquake was felt by 20 million Mexicans, and that was just here in L.A.” – Jay Leno
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'” – Jimmy Fallon
