Political Irony

“At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: ‘Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.’ Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said ‘shoot,’ 300 guns went off. ” – Jimmy Fallon

“At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: ‘Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?’ Is anyone going to say ‘no’ to that? It’s like going to a Phish show and saying, ‘Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama released his tax return today. He didn’t owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He’s got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.” – Jay Leno

“Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren’t healthier?” – Jay Leno

“Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they’re in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless.” – Jay Leno

“Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition.” – Jay Leno

“A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They’re now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee.” – Jay Leno

“Here in California, our attorney general said he’s going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin’s rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she’ll blow a moose’s head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who’s in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke.” – Jay Leno

“Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America’s space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush’s space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he’s expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. ‘For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama’s plan to cut NASA’s budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don’t let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.’ Powerful stuff.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration’s top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we’re No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?” – Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” – Craig Ferguson

“A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they’re old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They’re like the tree world’s Larry King.” – Craig Ferguson

“Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they’re right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon.” – Craig Ferguson

“This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put ‘kind of a tricky situation right now.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can’t say words that end in ‘g’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that’s called Al Karma.” – Jay Leno

“Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, … is in Washington this week. Boy, it’s causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: ‘Who’s on first?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No, who?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No, who?’ ‘Yes.’ And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that in 2012 he’s going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That’s like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James’s rehab facility. You’re asking for trouble.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It’s called ‘Funny or Actually Die.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He’s going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe.” – Jay Leno

“A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That’s a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?” – Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What’s wrong with you, Fox News? You don’t ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don’t have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio.” – Craig Ferguson

© Clay Bennett