Political Irony

“For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.” – Jay Leno

“The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.” – Jay Leno

“The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn’t even see what it was doing wrong.” – Jay Leno

“Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.” – David Letterman

“Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that’s what you get for traveling during volcano season.” – David Letterman

“Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.” – David Letterman

“The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It’s the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the ‘$100 bill Nano.'” – Craig Ferguson

“You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.” – Jay Leno

“Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.” – Jon Stewart

“The Supreme Court is hearing a case about ‘sexting.’ Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He’s young enough to be Larry King’s next wife.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.” – Jay Leno

“A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They’d like to, but there’s no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.” – Jay Leno

“Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I’m guessing that’s what, Goldman Sachs?” – Jay Leno

“Well, in an interview on the ‘Today’ show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush’s daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea’s wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he’s a Democrat, he doesn’t actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.” – Jay Leno

“This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It’s unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they’re stuck with the biggest and the widest.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. ‘Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We’re here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.’ That’s a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Fox network had their annual telethon ‘Idol Gives Back.’ I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I’ve wasted watching ‘American Idol.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

© Tom Toles

Billions and billions.

“As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland. President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon and the volcano said the same thing about him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.” – Craig Ferguson

“The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything’s grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas.” – Jay Leno

“Airports from London to Warsaw are on their sixth day of shutdown. The airports are closed because a volcano is erupting. Smoke and ash are spreading over Europe. The smoke cloud is big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus.” – Craig Ferguson

“The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city’s air quality is actually improving.” – David Letterman

“The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an ‘ice-hole,’ but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it’s more of an ‘ash-hole.'” – Craig Ferguson

“I am aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. Thank God I still have my swine flu mask.” – David Letterman

“Thousands of tourists are stranded in Europe, but it’s giving the passengers the opportunity to go share a bar stool with one of the pilots.” –David Letterman

“The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Larry King has filed for divorce. The rumor going around is that Larry’s wife left him for a younger man, John McCain.” – Jay Leno

“Larry King getting another divorce. Had an affair with his sister-in-law but in his defense — there is always another side to the story — in his defense, at his age, you know, it’s hard to remember which sister he’s married to.” – David Letterman

“Officials now say that the two most senior leaders of al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed in a joint U.S.-Iraqi mission. I believe the names were ‘what’s his face’ and ‘the guy who plays the guy who replaced the guy we killed last week.'” – Jay Leno

“Well, actually, we can’t take all the credit. What happened was the Lexus GX 460 rolled over.” – Jay Leno

“According to sources at the Pentagon, al Qaeda is nearing financial ruin. But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses.” – Jay Leno

“Al Qaeda is broke. How ironic is that? Al Qaeda would run out of moolah. Isn’t that unbelievable?” – Jay Leno

“Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they’re being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, ‘Come on!'” – Jay Leno

“Hey, here’s an amazing fact. Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska.” – Jay Leno

“I am so stupid. I made a huge mistake. I sent my taxes to Russia and my adopted kid to the IRS.” – Jay Leno

“Well, folks, a big setback for NASA. President Obama cutting the space program of sending men to the moon. Although he can point to one big achievement during his time in office. We did put an astronaut on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno

© Joel Pett

The best politicians money can buy.