“Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation’s toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It’s unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now.” – Jay Leno
“It’s an unbelievable law. And it’s already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, ‘Let’s see your papers.'” – Jay Leno
“Arizona is the meth lab of democracy.” –Jon Stewart
“And the state of Arizona, has a new slogan: ‘get out.'” – Jay Leno
“Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.” – Jay Leno
“During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country.” – Jay Leno
“One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours.” – Jay Leno
“You probably heard about this. Both President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took some heat for flying separately to New York City last week because it was Earth Day, and they got heat for flying on two separate planes. Though in fairness, they can’t fly together because of security reasons. Or at least that’s what Obama told Biden.” – Jay Leno
“The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones.” –Jay Leno
“China is now considering easing up on that policy one-child-per-family law they have down there. For years, they have only allowed one child per household. Now, a factory — well that can have as many children as they need.” – Jay Leno
“Former President Bush is writing his memoir. Writing his autobiography about his eight years in the White House. He’s not done with it yet, but he’s already put up the mission accomplished banner.” – David Letterman
“Crown Publishing has given a November release date for what they’re saying is an incredibly honest account of key decision in the President’s life. There’s a whole chapter dedicated to smooth vs. crunchy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“George W. Bush’s memoir is coming out Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head slightly turned from the camera, or as Bush calls it, ‘posing all serious-like.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I’m excited just to hear him pronounce the word ‘memoirs.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The publisher says that in the book, Bush writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes. And I’m thinking, whew! Man, this is going to be a long book.” – David Letterman
“Actually, the book is called ‘Decision Points,’ and 1,000 signed, cloth-bound copies will be sold for $350 each. Each one will say: ‘Thanks for reading about my decisions. Sincerely, Dick Cheney.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The title of Bush’s memoir is ‘Decision Points.” It narrowly edged out his original title, which was ‘My Bad.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bush’s memoir is going to be titled ‘Decision Points.’ That sounds like the reward system that was used to get Bush to do things when he was in office, doesn’t it? ‘So, if I sign that paper with the law on it, how many decision points do I get? Like, five decision points, six? Last Wednesday, I got a silver star and a smiley face.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“He’s even working on his follow-up to Decision Points, which is supposed to be released next year – it’s called Decision Pants. It’s about all the tough decision he’s faced with every morning when he puts his clothes on.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know what happened today down in Washington, D.C.? The world champion New York Yankees visited the White House. Oh, you know who was not there from the championship team? Kate Hudson.” – David Letterman
“President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees’ Derek Jeter said, ‘You never get tired of meeting the president.’ And then John McCain said, ‘I’m pretty much over it.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“It was a beautiful day. President Obama charged them $25 for a hot dog and a warm beer.” – David Letterman
“It was quite a change for the New York Yankees, going from ‘The House That Ruth Built’ to ‘The House That Bush Wrecked.'” – David Letterman
“Here in New York City, the Yankees, they’re champions. In Arizona, they would be deported.” – David Letterman
“Here’s a nice story. President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, took the weekend off. They went hiking in North Carolina. Had a great time. And so he wouldn’t get lost, Obama left behind a trail of cigarette butts.” – David Letterman
