Skip to content

GOP: Maine-stream or Class Struggle?

The Maine GOP (which is historically moderate) had their convention last weekend and adopted a radical, tea-party inspired platform, to the surprise of even the authors of the new platform.

But what is really ironic is that the group that wrote the new platform met in a classroom of a nearby school, and objected to some of the class materials they saw so much that they stole some of them and defaced others. For example, the group objected to a stack of copies of the US Constitution (which they found by rummaging inside of a closed box), because they had been donated by the (gasp!) ACLU.

In their new platform, the group wrote “It is immoral to steal property rightfully earned by one person, and give it to another who has no claim or right to its benefits.” But apparently it is acceptable to steal school materials, deface school property, and rummage through the teacher’s desk. In fact, when the classroom’s teacher objected to the school materials being stolen, their response was “Well, it should have been because it shouldn’t be in that classroom!”

I sure hope the Republicans can survive themselves.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“How about that Times Square bomber? Now, I’m no genius, but this guy left his house keys in the bomb car. It was the one flaw in an otherwise perfect crime.” – David Letterman

“I just read the hilarious re-post made by a locksmith in Washington DC about the Times Square bomber. The suspect says he left a getaway car near Times Square but was unable to use it on Saturday because he left the keys in the Pathfinder. That had to be a weird call to OnStar, right? ‘Hello, OnStar. What is your emergency?’ ‘Oh, man, you are not going to believe this. So, I’m trying to blow up Times Square, right? I am in such a hurry to escape I totally locked the keys in my car. It’s just one of those days.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But there is some good news for Faisal Shahzad. Today he was told that he made the Taliban blooper reel.” – David Letterman

“At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.'” – Bill Maher

“We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, as a result of the Times Square bomber, there is a new policy regarding the no-fly list. They’re actually going to start reading them now.” – Jay Leno

“Well, this Faisal Shahzad managed to get on the plane because the airline workers used an out of date do not fly list. But the good news? There is no way Lee Harvey Oswald was getting on that plane, I’ll tell you that.” – Jay Leno

“The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks, still safer than a Toyota.” –Bill Maher

“This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane.” –Bill Maher

“The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen.” – Jay Leno

“More news out of New York. The new Broadway play about Enron didn’t get any major Tony nominations and will lose $4 million when it closes on Sunday. In other words, it was a major success compared to the real Enron.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And to protest Arizona’s tough new immigration law, a lot of people now boycotting products made in that state. This could cripple the bolo tie industry.” – Jay Leno

“Is that a good idea? Boycotting products made in Arizona? I can’t find any products made in America. Forget Arizona.” – Jay Leno

“The good news is the Border Patrol has finally come up with a way to stop the illegal immigration. They’re going to hire security guards from the Phillies game to just taser people as they come through.” – Jay Leno

“British Petroleum says they’re going to try and stop that huge oil leak in the ‘Gulf of Texaco’, as I call it. They’re going to put a big box over the leak. I mean, who came up with this, Wile E. Coyote?” – Jay Leno

Share

The Party of Preemptive No

Once again, the GOP formulated their talking points against the Supreme Court nominee before Obama had even named the nominee.


© Drew Sheneman

When Elena Kagan was nominated, Republicans attacked her because she has never been a judge. Ironically, Kagan was nominated by then-president Clinton to be a judge on the Court of Appeals, but in a brazen stalling tactic even for the Party of No, the Senate Judiciary Committee’s Republican chairman Orrin Hatch refused to even schedule a confirmation hearing for her. So the Republicans are attacking her for something that is their own fault.

Besides, historically, many Supreme Court justices have not previously been judges.

If you want to keep score on Kagan’s nomination, Media Matters is keeping a complete list of the various myths (i.e., lies) that are being spread about her, and provides the actual facts.

Share

Vote Conservative?

I am reprinting this letter from Daily KOS because it is a brilliant rant, and because the author specifically encouraged people to reprint it. It was originally written as a response to her very conservative brother who was trying to blame everything on Obama to get her to vote conservative in the upcoming election.

It is also an excellent public service — if you have a rabid right-wing relative who won’t leave you alone, you can use this as a basis of a response to their rants:

Hi, Greg,

I seem to recall that the current economic disaster began and in fact grew to its monstrous size under your President, whose policies were so short-sighted and reckless that he managed to turn a several billion dollar surplus into a near total economic collapse in eight years. The TARP was his program, a last minute bailout of his buds on the Street who had treated the money entrusted to them by the middle class as their own private casino funds, bet it all again and again in speculative endeavors that even they admit were absurd, and–gee whillikers!–ultimately collapsed under their own artificially propped up weight.

You may certainly disagree with Obama’s Keynesian approach to resolving the problem, but if you examine what is happening in the economy today there is little doubt that it is working. Not as quickly as everyone would like it to work, certainly, but then it took a very long time to create this mess, so fixing it in a little more than a year is and always was highly unlikely.

Still, let’s see what Obama has presided over thus far, shall we?

When he came in, the stock market was in free fall.
Today, it has completely recovered and is setting records.

When he came in, the American auto business was in danger of becoming extinct.
Today, Detroit may not be thriving, but the Big 3 are alive and well and looking to the future.

When he came in, Bush had paid out $700B in TARP money.
Today, all but $100B or so has been repaid.

When he came in, the nation was bleeding jobs, losing them at a pace that seemed assured to land us in another Great Depression.
Almost immediately, after passing the Recovery Act, the bleeding lessened. Every month of his administration, it has continued to lessen. Then, in December, the economy began producing jobs. Every month since then it has produced more jobs than the month before, with over 200K produced in April alone.

He has managed to accomplish something that Presidents have been trying to do since Teddy Roosevelt: get Congress to adopt a national health care policy that regulates the insurance industry and guarantees coverage without recision. It is not enough, but it is a start.

He has removed the banks as middle men in the student loan industry for the first time since Reagan put them there. Do you know when college education costs started skyrocketing? I’ll tell you: the Reagan administration. Hmmm… Again, it’s not nearly enough, but it’s a step.

Despite being fought tooth and nail by opposition whose only cohesive policy appears to be “say no to everything Obama wants,” he seems to be making headway against most of the big issues that faced him when he came into office. If the GOP would stop playing politics and start (oh, I don’t know) trying to govern, we could be well on our way not only to recovery but to a truly remarkable time in America. But the GOP would rather foster unrest and encourage anger and hatred and doubt than do anything positive at this point in their existence.

Truly, that’s too bad. When I look at the sorry state of the Republican Party right now, I just feel sad. It has been taken over by its worst elements. You ask me to “vote conservative”? I don’t think I could if I even wanted to. True conservatives are hard to come by in this charade of “tea party” extremists. When Bob Bennett gets kicked out of the Senate by his constituents in Utah for not being “conservative” enough, the world is out of whack. When Charlie Crist and Arlen Spector can’t find a place any longer within the GOP, something is seriously wrong with the party of Lincoln. When John McCain has to stoop to picking Sarah Freaking Palin as a running mate to appease the ultra right wing knuckle-draggers in his own party and then agree to allow her to foment vitriol in rally after rally to the extent that things got so out of control that even he had to step in at one rally and set his voters straight, someone has lost all sense of propriety. When the party becomes the home of bigots and birthers and men who show up to Presidential rallies wearing weapons, sanity has left the building. When the State of Maine, which usually remains somewhat above the lunacy and which has (to its credit) the only two moderate Republicans still allowed to roam free, loses its collective mind and issues a political platform that is so utterly (as one writer put it) “batshit crazy” that at one point it actually demands that the State of Maine officially oppose any attempt to create a one-world government, the whole party has officially come unhinged. Talk about giving in to the conspiracy theorists. Why don’t they just mandate tin-foil hats?

The thing is that conservatism, true conservatism, is needed in this country. Just as yin needs yang, as dark needs light, as up needs down, so liberal needs conservative. Everything requires balance. Bush proved that. When the Dems were rolling over and playing dead, acquiescing to everything he asked for in his first term instead of using the fact that his majorities were slim to negotiate better bills, Bush rode roughshod over the Constitution, deceived us into an immoral and very costly war, became the king of the unfunded mandate, and spent years rewarding the richest people in the land and ignoring everyone else so that, just before everything went to hell, the gap between executive and worker pay was by far the largest it had ever been in history. The rich got richer and richer and the middle class and the poor could not make ends meet.

These were his legacies, Greg. His legacies, not Obama’s. Because he was a neocon, not a true conservative. I do not agree with conservatism, as you are well aware. But I respect it. It is honorable and sincere and those who believe in its philosophies truly have the best interests of America in mind when they run for offices under conservative banners. But the neocons? Uh uh. History will record–if they have not started us on an irreparable path to our own national destruction–that they were one of the greediest and most self-righteous groups of leaders ever, that their hypocrisy was matched only by their amorality, and that they presided over the systematic and intentional undermining of a system of checks and balances that had been in place since the Great Depression which, once gone, unleashed a torrent of cash into their coffers and aggressively destroyed the economy for everyone else.

Sadly, there would be no place in today’s GOP for any GOP President in American history save Bush and (maybe) Reagan. Pappy Bush would never make it. Nixon? He’s practically a liberal. Ford? Forget it. Ike? No way in hell. Do you what the taxes were like under Ike? The highest progressive tax rate was 90% for the income in the highest margins. 90%. Imagine that! And what did the poorest pay? Nothing.

Communist!

Where is the party of these Presidents? Where is the party of William F. Buckley? Where is the party of Russell Kirk? Hell, Barry Goldwater, who was considered so outrageously conservative in 1964 that Lyndon Johnson’s voters actually believed the “daisy ad,” would be in the Democratic Party today. William Safire defined himself as a “libertarian conservative”; is there even room for that in today’s GOP?

This GOP has earned its “Party of No” moniker. John Boehner’s office actually began circulating templates opposing Obama’s SCOTUS nominee with “INSERT NAME” on them, the templates proclaiming (basically) the downfall of civilization as we know it if this nominee (whoever it happened to be apparently was unimportant) gets through. Despite the fact–the fact–that Obama has, from the outset, reached out to them time after time after time, angering his own constituents in the process by (in the opinion of many on the left) giving away the store before negotiations even start just to show his good faith, the GOP insists on maintaining the lie that he refuses to include them in anything. The health care bill is chock full of Republican ideas, but all you heard from them was “he’s shoving it down our throats.” The first thing Obama did in the Recovery bill was to agree to tax cuts despite the fact that Keynesian economics tells us that they are utterly counterproductive because it would, he thought, bring the GOP to the table. In the final Stim Bill, there were I think almost $200B in cuts. My taxes were lower this year; were yours? A study just today says that we are being taxed at the lowest rate since Truman. Good Lord! What does anyone have to complain about the job the government is doing with the little we are still giving them?

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to give them more. I can’t afford to. But I’ll tell you what: unlike the idiots who took the Washington Metro to anti-government rallies to chant against all taxes and government interference in their daily lives (“but keep your hands off our Medicare!”) and then bitch about the long waits to get back home on the (government-run) trains, saying that someone should have put more cars on duty for the rallies, I understand what I am paying for. I am paying for the infrastructure of this nation. Much of it is old and crumbling and in desperate need of repair, and, yes, in need of our tax dollars to make those repairs happen. But I wouldn’t be driving on interstate highways with excellent police protection to places that won’t burn down because fire codes are strictly enforced where I can eat healthy food that I know won’t kill me because health codes too are enforced (and I could go on) if it were not for those tax dollars. That’s just the truth. And I for one would not wish to do without any of these things. And, seeing the excellent job that the banks and the insurance industries have done of keeping college and health costs down through good old fashioned capitalistic free enterprise, and watching the way Wall Street has consistently screwed the middle class while padding its pockets, even during the current crisis–even while taking taxpayer handouts!–I think I’d rather have the government in charge and take my chances.

(Oh, and before you say “but Medicare is a shambles,” just stop. It’s not. It’s just underfunded. Thank you, Bush tax cuts. There is a reason those tea partiers are holding those “hands off my medicare” signs, and it isn’t because they like crappy health care.)

I don’t usually bother trying to get you to see “my” side of the political argument, Greg. Frankly, it’s not worth it. You are an amazingly smart guy, but you’ve spent too many hours watching Fox News and believing that you are seeing something that actually is true. Heck, I think Rush Limbaugh has even begun to believe the garbage he spews into the ether, and he was perfectly willing to admit several years ago that he is, first and foremost, an entertainer. (FWIW, I don’t think that Ann Coulter believes a word she says. I think she is a huge hypocrite saying whatever she thinks will sell books, and she’s found a ready audience on Fox. She’s become such a caricature of herself that she simply cannot be taken seriously and, unlike Rush, she never was an entertainer, so there’s no excuse.)

But anyway, for whatever reason, I just thought I’d give this a shot, even if it falls on the deaf ears I suspect it will. You think I have swallowed Obama’s Kool-Aid and I’m just echoing the party line, but I’m not. It’s the Fox News types, the Tea Partiers, who have swallowed the Kool-Aid, and it really is poison. As for me, well, I question Obama all the time. I’m very unhappy with the fact that Guantanamo is still open, for instance. And I am deeply disturbed by the fact that he has not issued an Executive Order–as would be within his authority–halting execution of DADT until Congress can eliminate it. I think that at least one of these SCOTUS nominees should have been a flaming liberal; Bush did not hesitate to appoint ardent conservatives. I also think he appeases the GOP too much, especially when they have shown again and again that they are utterly unwilling to compromise in any way. My feeling is that he should just say “screw it” and use his Democratic majorities to forge powerful left-leaning legislation, just as Bush did on the other side with far smaller majorities (and even with a Senate tie): if the GOP doesn’t want a part in things, the heck with them. But he continues to be a statesman despite everything. And you know what? After eight years of having a class clown as President, I sort of like that.

I do hope that you have read this thoughtfully and recognize that I am, though unabashedly liberal, ardently in favor of a strong, thoughtful, rational opposition party. At this moment in time, the GOP is not that party. I fear that it is heading down a road from which it may not be able to recover for a very long time, if ever. When the Democrats were in a similar position–hijacked by their fringes–in the early 70’s, they turned inward, re-examined their priorities, and ended up nominating Jimmy Carter. You’ll argue that he was a disastrous President. I have two responses: first, it was circumstances, not policy, that caused the problems of the late 70’s, and anyone in the White House at that time would have been in the same boat. He was tremendously unlucky and, distrusted by the still very active fringes of the party, received little support in Congress. Second, because of the above, he lost in 1980, setting in motion both the ensuing twelve years of Republican rule and the rise of the neocons, which ultimately led to Bush and the near-destruction of the American economy. A party hijacked by its fringes fails. Even winning the Presidency in 1976 became a failure for the Democrats because those fringes within their party refused to let Carter govern, aligning themselves again and again with the GOP across the aisle. So the fringes caused what amounted to two decades of disaster for the party.

And I hate to say this, but the Democrats on the fringe, though clearly outside of the realm of political reality, stood for something morally good. They stood for basic human dignity and welfare, for equal rights for everyone, for helping those in need. What does the fringe of the right today stand for? Hatred and distrust. Hatred of Obama, hatred of gays, bigotry, anger, distrust of government, lack of faith in even the evidence right before their eyes that Obama is in fact a US citizen. I am worried that a party that gives in to this kind of fringe will implode, never to return. A new second party will emerge, perhaps the Libertarians, who are in a good position, but it would be a shame.

Abraham Lincoln is often cited as the standard bearer of the GOP. They like Teddy Roosevelt too. And Ike. But these guys would not recognize the party of today. And they sure as heck would not want to be a part of it.

But that’s OK: they wouldn’t be welcome if they did.

Karen

UPDATE: Newsweek has an interesting article on how even Reagan himself wouldn’t qualify as a “Reagan Republican” in today’s far-right GOP.

UPDATE 2: Former first lady Laura Bush just revealed on TV that she supports gay marriage and even abortion rights. I guess she will soon get kicked out of the modern Republican party.

Share

Total Taxes Lowest in 60 Years

Even though people keep complaining that taxes are too high, USA Today analyzed publically available information and concluded that total taxes — including income taxes, property taxes, sales taxes and all other taxes — are now lower than they have been since 1950. Currently, everyone, on average, pays 9.2% of their income in taxes of one kind or another. In fact, the total tax rate has fallen 26% in the last three years.

Why? They point out several reasons: Obama’s Stimulus Bill reduced income taxes for all but the very richest Americans, but Obama cannot claim all the credit. The severe recession also reduced taxes paid — if you don’t have a job, you probably aren’t paying much in income taxes. In addition, if you don’t have money, you aren’t buying expensive things, so you aren’t paying much in sales taxes.

But I think it is a mistake to claim that the low taxes are only a fluke caused by the recession. After all, total taxes paid are going down as a percentage of income, which means that taxes fell faster than people’s incomes fell. Some of this is due to our progressive income tax system, where the less money you earn, the smaller percentage of that income is paid in taxes. So as people’s incomes went down, they fell into lower tax brackets.

Regardless of the cause, if you are one of those people who think taxes have been going up and up, you’re just wrong.

Share

Bush – the Gold Standard for Screw-ups

This entire video is great, but it really gets interesting around the 4:50 mark, when Jon Stewart points out the stunning irony of conservative pundits comparing Obama to Bush; for example, claiming that the nomination of Elena Kagan is “Obama’s Harriet Miers”, the oil spill is “Obama’s Katrina”, health care is “Obama’s Iraq”, and on and on. By doing this, conservatives are admitting that no matter what Obama does that they don’t like, Bush did something even stupider. Even more hypocritically, these same pundits vigorously defended Bush when he was screwing up, but now are even more vigorously attacking Obama by trying to paint him as being almost as bad as Bush. It boggles the mind.

Share

Gaffe-master Steele only 3/5s of a Man

Yesterday, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele released a statement about Obama nominating Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. His major complaint against Kagan seems to be this:

her support for statements suggesting that the Constitution “as originally drafted and conceived, was ‘defective'”

OMG, how can a nominee to the Supreme Court believe that the original constitution was defective?

Well, it turns out that Kagan was only quoting an actual Supreme Court Justice, Thurgood Marshall, who in a 1993 article was using the example of how the original constitution only counted slaves as three-fifths of a person. Kagan was praising the Supreme Court for fixing that.

So ironically Steele, who is black, is attacking Kagan for supporting blacks as full people.

UPDATE: More information.

Share

Governator Humor

Whatever you think of governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, you have to admit that he has a good sense of humor. On Monday, he gave the commencement address at Emory University in Atlanta (and received an honorary degree in return):

This is my first law degree. … Finally, the Kennedys will think I’m a success. And Maria can finally bring me home to meet her family.

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

Of course, if they ever deported Arnold, he would just say “I’ll be back.”

Share

Sex and the Gulf Oil Spill

Reagan famously stated that government was not the solution, government was the problem (while simultaneously growing government at unprecedented rates). But I’ve always thought that the reason Republicans believe government is always the problem is because they don’t know how to govern. Of course, there is an alternative theory that they want to prove that government is incompetent by purposely making it as incompetent as they can.

Regardless of which of these theories you might subscribe to, you couldn’t pick a better example of it than the recent oil spill in the gulf. After all, it was just two years ago that a major scandal was uncovered in the very group charged with overseeing safety in oil drilling, the Minerals Management Service. As Robert F. Kennedy Jr. points out, the Bush administration (especially Dick Cheney) seems to have purposely tried to destroy the MMS by filling it with the shadiest characters one can imagine. Personnel in the MMS were dealing cocaine and other drugs, had sex with (including orgies) and accepted lavish gifts from people in the companies they were supposed to be regulating, and steered government contracts to companies they owned on the side.

At the same time, the MMS gutted safety regulations, including removing requirements for safety equipment that more than likely would have prevented the huge gulf oil spill.

Share

The Rights of Terrorists?


© John Sherffius

Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for the second amendment. But some people’s priorities seem a bit screwed up. I also believe in free speech, but that doesn’t include the right to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. So why is it that someone on the terrorist watch list can be stopped from boarding an airplane and we are even talking about taking away their Miranda rights, but the FBI cannot stop them from buying dynamite or automatic weapons like AK-47s?

Share

Happy Mother’s Day?


© Marshall Ramsey

Share

The Further Destruction of the Republican Party


© Mike Luckovich

Plus, Tea Partiers in Utah at a Republican Party convention denied the Senate nomination to three term incumbent Bob Bennett, despite the fact that Bennett is popular with Republicans in Utah. By doing this, Tea Partiers are creating a situation where Democrats can gain this seat in the general election, despite the fact that Utah is a very conservative state.

Share

Happy Birthday to Political Irony

My inaugural post to this blog was two years ago today. At the time I had no idea it would become so popular, and figured that readership would drop after the presidential elections. Ironically, the readership actually took off shortly after the election.

I hope you enjoy a little humor with your politics. Thanks to everyone for the generally insightful comments, and for sending me ideas for stories. On this Mother’s Day, I definitely feel like the mother of a two-year-old toddler.

-Iron Knee

Share

In the Black?


© Joel Pett

What’s slicker than an oil spill? How about oil companies that make billions in profits, don’t pay any US taxes, and still get the government to help pay for their accidents.

Share

Late Night Political Humor

“Hey, did you know about this? Tonight, to protest Arizona’s new immigration law, the Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read ‘Los Suns.’ Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.” – Jay Leno

“So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.” – Jay Leno

“I was thinking about this. Here’s what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don’t look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they’ve got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: ‘You don’t look like you belong here. Get out!’ So the deal is, in Arizona, they don’t like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that’s odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.” – David Letterman

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch — or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.” – Craig Ferguson

“Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army’s surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.'” – Craig Ferguson

“It’s Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May Fifth.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they’re a bit touchy about that right now.” – Craig Ferguson

“Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.” – Jay Leno

“It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That’s unbelievable.” – Jay Leno

“If any job should give you a company car, it’s the car bomb business.” – Jay Leno

“Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.” – Jay Leno

“Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don’t watch Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.” – David Letterman

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.’s women’s rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.” – Jay Leno

“Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, ‘Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.” – Jimmy Fallon

Share