Political Irony

© Clay Bennett

Be careful what you start!

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jay Leno

“Have you folks heard about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here’s what they’re doing now. They got a one-mile-long suction hose. It was flown down to the gulf on Friday by Superman.” – David Letterman

“And what they’re going to do is they’re going to suck all of that oil that’s leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.” – David Letterman

“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, BP’s CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the ‘very big ocean.’ That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they’re really, really fat.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.” – Jay Leno

“Did you see the new Miss U.S.A. pageant over the weekend. Miss Michigan won. Congratulations to Miss Michigan. And, well, it gets better. John McCain has already selected her as his 2012 running mate.” – David Letterman

“Sadly, Miss Arizona could not be there. She was being detained by the authorities.” – David Letterman

“Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here’s what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian.” – David Letterman

“Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, ‘We’re all Arizonans now’ — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, ‘So, we can stay?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage.” – Jay Leno

“Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, ‘Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind: ‘As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is.” – Craig Ferguson

Lance Baxter was fired from his job as spokesman for Geico insurance company after he drunk dialed the Tea Party group FreedomWorks and left a rude and offensive message on their answering machine. The message was subsequently spread around the internet.

Now that he has more time on his hands, he produced this humorous video.

“According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, ‘They were going up anyway.'” – Jay Leno

“According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it’s cheaper than the station across the street.” – Jay Leno

“Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington.” – Jay Leno

“They got a new prime minister in Great Britain. Name is David Cameron, and he has pledged to protect the country from terrorism. So today, he met with the nation’s top T-shirt vendors. ” – David Letterman

“So Gordon Brown is out. The election was delayed for like a week or 10 days because Al Gore demanded a recount.” – David Letterman

“Officials in the U.S. Treasury are complaining that some Mideast countries like Kuwait are not cooperating and shutting down the flow of money to Al Qaeda. Correct me if I’m wrong. Didn’t we liberate Kuwait? Now they don’t want to help us. Who do they think they are? France?” – Jay Leno

“And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she’s apparently very, very smart. Here’s how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs.” – David Letterman

“At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walked up to President Obama and said, ‘You’re a hottie with a smokin’ little body.’ I’ll tell you, Betty White is out of control.” – Jay Leno

“And the Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime. They break your legs. Those are tough standards, okay?” – Jay Leno

“The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn’t even close. The council voted, trece to uno.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin coming out with a second book in November, which is pretty impressive. This book was written almost as fast as the first book she didn’t write.” – Jay Leno

“The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama’s birth certificate from the ‘Birthers.’ From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.’ – Jimmy Kimmel