Political Irony

“Well, folks, it seems that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, much worse than British Petroleum first reported. You know how bad it is? Yesterday, I checked the oil in my car, had seawater on it.” – Jay Leno

“This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, ‘Lost,’ that’s gone. ‘Law & Order,’ wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.” – David Letterman

“It’s pretty hard for fans of ‘Lost’ now that it’s finally over. If people want to get their fix, they’ll have to follow that other group that’s lost and confused in the middle of the ocean. You know, BP.” – Jimmy Fallon

“British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don’t have that problem with the mob.” – David Letterman

“John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he’s had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War.” –David Letterman

“Oh, and scientists in Maryland say they have created the first ever synthetic cell. They say their goal is to create a life form that can withstand lead products from China, volcanic ash from Iceland and contaminated water from the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jay Leno

“And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn’t seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign.” – Jay Leno

“And a Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs.” – Jay Leno

“Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It’s so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there’s a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge.” – Jay Leno

“You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: ‘Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.’ Then the prison guards took him away.” – David Letterman

“At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, ‘How do I get off this sinking ship?'” – Jay Leno

“And last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderóne spoke at the White House. He called for a ban on assault weapons, and he also wanted to know why do we keep calling Taco Bell Mexican food?” – Jay Leno

“Calderóne also lashed out against Arizona’s new immigration law. To give you an idea of how serious he is, he is calling for Mexicans to boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed.” – Jay Leno

“Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, ‘Wait, what is Fox News aiming at?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. That was a nice break for the children from their job of making teddy bears.” – Jimmy Fallon

© R J Matson

“A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.” – Jay Leno

“And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal’s campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn’t. That’s what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, ‘I only lied four times.'” – Jay Leno

“Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word ‘in’ instead of the word ‘during.’ He insists he just ‘misspoke.’ You know, like using the word ‘misspoke’ instead of the word ‘lying.'” – Jay Leno

“In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season’s over.” – Jay Leno

“Last night, at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The BP oil spill turned a month old today. Unfortunately, it has not been potty trained yet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don’t they just try jiggling the handle? I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar.” – David Letterman

“There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.” – Jay Leno

“Down there at the White House, they had a state dinner for Mexican President Felipe Calderón. Every door at the White House was guarded by a New York City T-shirt vendor.” – David Letterman

“You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here’s what he is charged with: domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway.” – David Letterman

“You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, ‘That’s it.’ So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn’t get 72 virgins. Here’s what he gets: 72 vegans.” – David Letterman

“The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer.” – Jay Leno

“Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona’s immigration law. He’s a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn’t be anybody left.” – Jay Leno

“The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir.” – Jay Leno

“Well, that’s the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn’t. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot.” – Jay Leno

“Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn’t lied like John Edwards.” – Jay Leno

“Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he’s in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum.” – Jay Leno

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” – Jay Leno

“BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they’ve had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they’ve been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years.” – Jay Leno

“In Louisiana, BP claims that it’s making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They’re working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And in welcoming Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, ‘We are not defined by our borders.’ The president of Mexico said, ‘What borders?'” – Jay Leno

“Actually, one embarrassing moment with the Mexican president happened when Obama said, ‘Let us all stand together,’ and the governor of Arizona said: ‘There he is. Grab him!'” – Jay Leno

“John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don’t want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K.” – Jay Leno

“You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors.” – David Letterman

“Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn’t miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he’s now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he’s created.” – Jay Leno

“Another show canceled right here at CBS, ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’ Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she’s trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.” – David Letterman

“Did you hear about this? An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Oh, buddy. Here’s the score now — Republicans 22, Democrats 17. It’s getting closer.” – David Letterman

“Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.” – David Letterman

“How about that volcano in Iceland. It’s still erupting, but it’s no longer the biggest environmental disaster. Now, Iceland is teaming up with BP to create this summer’s top catastrophe. A Lorimar production.” – David Letterman

“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.” – David Letterman

“Well, here’s the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked.” – Jay Leno

“And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.” – David Letterman

“Well, there’s now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of ‘The Jersey Shore’ can only absorb so much oil. They can’t get any slimier.” – Jay Leno

“The Coast Guard is now saying that 20 of these things called tar balls have been found off the Florida Keys. They’re not sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? It’s like finding a giant clock necklace and not being sure it’s from Flavor Flav.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.” – David Letterman

“The government now wants to train parking lot attendants to watch for terrorists. They believe parking lot attendants can be trained to report anyone who comes in with a car that’s suspicious. The parking lot attendant would turn them in, unless the terrorist was a good tipper. Then, of course, nothing would happen at all, and we’d all be screwed.” – Jay Leno

“Iraq security forces say they have detained an al Qaeda member suspected of planning an attack on the World Cup in South Africa next month. The man has already admitted that terror and destruction was his ultimate gooooaaalllll!” – Jimmy Fallon

“A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman

“Well, folks, it’s happened again. My favorite kind of story. An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder — a married man and father of three, big-time — one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there’s a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife.” – Jay Leno

“After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he’s leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like: ‘Why don’t you start without me? Why don’t you just go. I’ll catch up with you on that walk.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He’s a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn’t got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Lakers trounced the Phoenix Suns last night, 128-107. Phoenix was so bad, today the Arizona Legislature voted to deport them.” – Jay Leno

“Attorney General Eric Holder has said he may sue Arizona for their new anti-immigration law. Holder admitted he has not yet read the law. Hey, that didn’t stop Congress from passing the health care reform bill. Nobody read that, either.” – Jay Leno

“You know what happened down in Washington? I guess it was yesterday. There was a swarm of bees down there at the White House. The bees flew in and demanded to see Obama’s birth certificate.” – David Letterman