Political Irony

“Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I’m glad that problem’s behind us.” – David Letterman

“Last night, President Obama delivered a prime time address on the oil spill. He said his administration ‘has been on top of the situation since Day 51.’ I mean, ‘Day 1 .’ I’m sorry.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. I mean, it’s like he’s campaigning again, really.” – David Letterman

“President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.” – Jay Leno

“Obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives, like solar power. I agree. But let’s not forget about lunar power. Remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves.” – Craig Ferguson

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.'” – Craig Ferguson

“He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He’s started drinking. That’s the only possible explanation.” – David Letterman

“President Obama also declared that seafood in the gulf was safe to eat, although he said if you ‘really want to be safe, eat at Long John Silver’s.’ Luckily, batter has not been affected by the spill.” – Jay Leno

“And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.” – David Letterman

“Today, President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.” – Jay Leno

“Obama’s not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals.” – Craig Ferguson

“I wonder how Obama began that meeting. ‘Thanks for wrecking my presidency, Tony. Want a water or something?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Hayward didn’t take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He’s great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up.” – Craig Ferguson

“BP had to stop collecting oil for a few hours yesterday after a bolt of lightning struck its ship in the gulf, causing a fire. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for BP was like, ‘So that’s how things could possibly get any worse.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And then, right after the president’s speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I’m glad somebody’s looking out for the little guy.” – David Letterman

“By this point, it’s not even an ‘oil spill’ anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a ‘spill’ is like calling World War II a ‘tiff.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Now, listen. I’m not naïve about large faceless corporations who destroy everything that’s beautiful. I work here at CBS.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, ‘Look, I don’t pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They’re separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future.” – Jimmy Fallon

“China has bought more U.S. debt. They know hold over $900 billion of U.S. debt. A lot of Americans concerned about this because it’s so much. Why are you concerned? It is not like we’re going to pay them back.” – Jay Leno

[This is another story from Fred Wickham that I’m reposting. See his site for more.]

On January 20th, 2008, a truckload of Whup-Ass was delivered to the White House. The pallets sat unbroken for nearly eighteen months until today, when President Obama had Rahm Emmanuel bring a box into the oval office.

“How do we test this out?” asked the President.

“What about Sasha?” Rahm said.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you say, Mr President, that she was leaving her algebra homework unfinished? And she didn’t have that paper on Guston Borglum done?”

“That Mt Rushmore sculptor?”

“Yeah, and she left that big box of crayolas open. Now they’re all broken.”

Obama picked up a can of Whup-Ass. “Get her for me, will you, Rahm?”

A few minutes later Sasha was ushered into the room. Her father asked her why she’d been slacking off on her duties, and she didn’t have an answer. He pointed the can at his daughter and pressed the top. It blew her hair back and ripped the collar on her blouse, but it didn’t knock her over. Still, the President felt she’d learned her lesson.

Back in her room, Malia asked what happened.

“Oh, father broke out the Whup-Ass. It kind of stung a little bit.”

“Wow, that’s mean.”

“I think he was just testing it.”

“Oh, yeah, Daddy’s got that meeting in the Gulf of Mexico. There he goes now with Rahm. And they’re carrying two boxes of Whup-Ass.”

“I hope it works,” said Sasha.

“Girls, Whup-Ass is a deterrent.” They looked up to see their mother standing behind them. “It is not meant to be used. Go to Wikipedia and type in ‘Mutually Assured Whup-Ass’.”

The girls did this and were happy to discover that America still had 23,952 cans in its stockpile.

Later, they heard their father’s stern words to the BP executives. “I am ordering a victim’s compensation fund. And if I have to, I’ll open a can of Whup-Ass on these oil executives.”

Sasha was relieved. But Malia simply walked over with one of the cans she pilfered from the stockpile. She stuck it under her sister’s nose.

“Yeah, it says ‘Whup-Ass’ all right.”

Malia said, “Look closely.”

“Uh oh, I sure hope it is a deterrent. It’s twelve months past the ‘use-by’ date.”

“How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.” – David Letterman

“The White House said today that BP is moving up its timeline for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they’d get it ‘done, even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.'” – David Letterman

“Actually, on Saturday, President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with the British prime minister, David Cameron, about the BP oil spill. The conversation was supposed to stay private, but given that it’s BP, you can probably expect a few leaks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I’ll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing.” – David Letterman

“Hey, have you been following what’s been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn’t go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he’s facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, ‘not Osama bin Laden.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The FAA now looking into the possibility of pilotless commercial flights. I guess that they figure if they take away the leg room, the pillows, the blankets, the food, they might as well take away the pilots, too.” – Jay Leno

It’s about time he had a nervous breakdown.

Brought to you by the League of Indecency.