Political Irony

“Yesterday, British Petroleum stock dropped $17 billion in value. And the executives at British Petroleum say they have no idea what happened. I kind of have an idea. I kind of think maybe I got a hunch.” – David Letterman

“According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They’ve paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don’t call them fines. They call them ‘campaign contributions.'” – Jay Leno

“This afternoon, President Obama met with Bill Gates at the White House to discuss energy reform. It was very cool. Bill Gates offered to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak with five billion unsold Zunes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But here’s the good news. Actor Kevin Costner was testifying before Congress earlier today. And he has come up with a way to separate oil from seawater. And so he was telling the congressmen all about it. And previously, Kevin Costner developed a process to separate moviegoers from their money.” – David Letterman

“BP, which of course stands for ‘Born Polluted,’ is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn the midnight oil if they hadn’t spilled it.” – Jay Leno

“But British Petroleum, they’re getting desperate, so here is what they are going to do to improve their public image: With every 100,000 gallons of oil that leaks, you get a free NFL team glass.” – David Letterman

“Today, the White House announced they have come up with a cheap, effective solution for illegal immigration. They’re going to have Helen Thomas on the border, yelling, ‘Go back to Mexico! Go back to where you came from! Get out!'” – Jay Leno

“Seems Hall and Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest the state’s new immigration law. Well, that will teach Arizona a lesson, huh? Let’s see how long they can go without Hall and Oates!” – Jay Leno

“Now, apparently, Hall and Oates were worried Arizona authorities would make them go back to where they came from — the ’70s.” – Jay Leno

“You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it. Everyone’s blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes he didn’t invent the Internet.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Voter turnout here in California, all-time historic low. In fact, the polling places near my house had so few people they actually turned it into a Blockbuster video store.” – Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore,’ an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next. And then he said, ‘And you can take that to one of the remaining banks.'” – Jimmy Fallon

© Mike Luckovich

What will it take to break our unhealthy dependence on oil?

“A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.” – Jimmy Fallon

“BP is now saying they’ve captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you’ve got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin is now saying that President Obama needs to make sure that these oil companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter.” – David Letterman

“At one time, Barack Obama lived in New York City. Obama hasn’t lived in this apartment here in New York City since 1981, but oddly enough, it’s still where he picks up his Pottery Barn catalogs.” – David Letterman

“It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He’s 76 years old. You’d think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain.” – Craig Ferguson

“Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too.” – Jay Leno

“Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet.” – Jay Leno

“You remember the guy who tried to blow up his car in Times Square? Now, they arrested a couple of guys in New Jersey who were also going to be terrorists, and they trained to become terrorists. Every week, they would play paintball. Next step, honestly, was laser tag.” – David Letterman

© Ed Stein

Building on their earlier decision that money is speech and corporations are people (actually giving corporations more free speech rights than real people), the Supreme Court has now blocked a provision of the Arizona campaign financing system that provided matching funds to candidates who agreed to not accept large private donations. Or as the NY Times called it “Keeping Politics Safe for the Rich”.

I don’t know who originally did this, so if someone does know please let me know so I can give proper credit and a link.

“It’s amazing to me, the new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview on NBC, President Obama said today he would’ve fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP.” – Jay Leno

“This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they’ve installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled.” – Jay Leno

“BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.” – Jay Leno

“The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the gulf was devastated by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history, but the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf Coast states are pleased to announce they are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, zombies or high-frequency sound waves?” – David Letterman

“Tonight, the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. Yeah. They played all the classic picnic games — Wiffle ball, capture the flag and their favorite game, ignore the oil spill.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obamas’ picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U.S., the Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries and the southern gulf coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it’s kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman.” – Jay Leno

“There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee.” – Jay Leno

“You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge.” – David Letterman

“The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list.” – Jay Leno

“A great day for President Obama. He addressed a group of senior citizens in Maryland today. He’s pitching his health care bill. According to a poll, half the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.” – Craig Ferguson

© RS Janes