“It’s Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That’s 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don’t know what the word favorable means?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And how about the Gulf of Mexico? Billions and billions of barrels of crude oil just surging into the Gulf of Mexico. It’s like we essentially have paved the Gulf of Mexico. Cubans are now walking to Miami.” – David Letterman
“Now, there’s a tropical storm in that area and it may interfere with the clean-up of the Gulf. Too bad, because it was going pretty well.” – David Letterman
“And now, in the Gulf region, demonstrators are holding hands on the beach by way of protest. Boy, that will show ’em.” – David Letterman
“The big hit on the Internet is the spill cam. It’s so popular that they’re thinking about adding a band.” – David Letterman
“Here’s something great. Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor.” – David Letterman
“The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer.” – David Letterman
“You remember Vice President Dick Cheney? He’s had like six or seven heart attacks. The poor guy was in the hospital over the weekend. He has been in the hospital so many times the gift shop is now selling Dick Cheney bobble head dolls.” – David Letterman
“Forbes magazine published their most powerful celebrities list. Number one was Oprah Winfrey. I’m happy to be on the list, a little farther down. I’m between Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, and the Salahis.” – David Letterman
“Doesn’t your heart break for Sandra Bullock? She and Jesse James officially divorced. You know who she’s dating? Gary, the Osama bin Laden hunter.” – David Letterman
“Gary was over there in Pakistan and had night vision goggles. He had a sword. And he couldn’t find Osama bin Laden. That means he’s actually tied with Bush and Obama.” – David Letterman
