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Late Night Political Humor

“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. Can you believe that? Whew! Even that German octopus couldn’t have predicted this.” – Jay Leno

“Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He’s marrying Bristol Palin. They’re getting married, that’s exciting. He’ll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin’s pickup.” – David Letterman

“Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special.” –David Letterman

“But here’s the interesting part. They’re not having sex until after they are married, that’s what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they’re engaged and celibate. Isn’t that backwards? It’s like they’re sexually dyslexic.” – Jay Leno

“Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell.” – David Letterman

“Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi – his Johnston.” – Jay Leno

“At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I’d keep that a secret. You don’t want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia.” – David Letterman

“Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it.” – David Letterman

“South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they’re installing robots along the U.S. border that say ‘Hola.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a ‘heart.'” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?” – Jay Leno

“George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog.” – David Letterman

“Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It’s a Cuban show called ‘Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars.” – Jay Leno

“After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Stopping the Spill


© J. D. Crowe

It seems like BP spent more time and money worrying about PR than about the spill.

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Late Night Political Humor

“BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that’s spewing from there. And if it works, they’re going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.” – Craig Ferguson

“On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.” – Jay Leno

“Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, ‘Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can’t get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can’t even get Roman Polanski.” – Jay Leno

“Well, here’s some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view.” – David Letterman

“It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party.” – David Letterman

“Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona’s to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost.” – Jay Leno

“The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher.” – David Letterman

“You all know Fidel Castro. Getting to be older. He’s 83. He appeared on Cuban television for the first time in four or five years, and he condemned the United States, he condemned nuclear proliferation, he condemned LeBron James. He went nuts.” – David Letterman

“Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.” – Jay Leno

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85 days, 16 hours, and 25 minutes

The Gulf Oil Leak has been stopped, although not permanently. Federal estimates are that between 93 and 185 million gallons of crude oil were leaked, wreaking widespread ecological damage to the gulf. The original explosion that started the leak killed 11 workers.

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Gaming the System


© Matt Davies

Billions of dollars to bail out the banks, but nothing for the unemployed who lost their jobs because of the financial crisis brought on by the banks. What makes this doubly ironic is that the Republicans claim that extending unemployment benefits would only encourage people without jobs to avoid looking for work. But by the same token, won’t bailing out the banks (and even worse, letting the bankers keep their million dollar bonuses) just encourage them to keep making the risky investments that caused the whole crisis in the first place?

And the irony doesn’t stop there. Since a bad economy tends to encourage votes against the party in power, Republicans will probably be rewarded for their filibusters against extending unemployment benefits, including getting more votes from the very unemployed people they are deliberately hurting.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. He sold the apartment for $11.5 million. That is $2.5 million for the apartment and $9 million for what they found in the medicine cabinet.” – David Letterman

“Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But it was a huge apartment — 4,000 square feet of space. No, wait a minute, that’s Rush.” – David Letterman

“Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona.” – Jay Leno

“I thought this was nice. Earlier today, President Obama invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they’re confident.” – Jay Leno

“British Petroleum says that they’re very happy with the new cap. And I said: ‘Well, if they’re happy, I’m happy. What do I care?'” – David Letterman

“Authorities in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia announced that a woman from a remote village turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person on the planet. So, once again, John McCain finishes second.” – Jay Leno

“How about the big spy thing here in New York. Russia gets 10 of their spies and, I think, a commie to be named later.” – David Letterman

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When at first you don’t succeed, lie, lie again

Further evidence that when reality doesn’t match their political needs, Republicans will just ignore reality and lie. The tax cuts for the wealthy that Bush and the Republicans got passed in 2001 and 2003 were completely insane, marking the first time in our nation’s history when taxes were cut during war time. But now those tax cuts are about to expire, and the Republicans want more tax cuts. But there is just one problem — Republicans are currently attacking Obama and the Democrats over the deficit, even filibustering extending unemployment benefits. So how can they block unemployment benefits (because they will raise the deficit), while simultaneously wanting to hand out more money to the rich (which will dramatically increase the deficit)? Easy, just lie.

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) started it by saying on Fox News that he wanted to extend Bush’s tax cuts, but that they didn’t have to be paid for, even though he insists that unemployment benefits be paid for by cutting other government programs. But the real whopper came from Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell, who claimed:

There’s no evidence whatsoever that the Bush tax cuts actually diminished revenue. They increased revenue, because of the vibrancy of these tax cuts in the economy.

McConnell is trotting out the old myth that cutting taxes for the wealthy raises revenue, because it stimulates the economy. That may be his opinion, but when he said that there is no evidence that Bush’s tax cuts diminished revenue, he is blatantly lying.

Bush ran the largest deficit in the history of our country, and according to the Congressional Budget Office, over 75% of the deficit was due to Bush’s tax cuts. Less than 25% of the deficit was due to increased domestic spending, such as Medicare Part D, which Republicans crammed down the throat of Congress, and which was actually a huge giveaway to the drug companies.

But you don’t have to believe the CBO. The Atlantic has put together a lengthy list of hard evidence that Bush’s tax cuts diminished revenue. Most damaging to McConnell’s claim that there is “no evidence” are statements from Bush’s own economic advisors:

  • Hank Paulson, who was Bush’s Treasury Secretary, said “As a general rule, I don’t believe that tax cuts pay for themselves.”
  • The chairman of Bush’s Council of Economic Advisors said “I certainly would not claim that tax cuts pay for themselves.”
  • The chief economist of Bush’s Council of Economic Advisors said “No thoughtful person believes that this possible offset [the Bush tax cuts] more than compensated for the first effect for these tax cuts. Not a single one.”

So even Bush’s economists don’t believe that his tax cuts didn’t decrease revenue, and yet this is not only exactly what McConnell is claiming, he is doubling down and saying that there is “no evidence whatsoever that the Bush tax cuts actually diminished revenue”.

UPDATE: Read this article about conservatives and deficits.

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Save Us from … ?


© David Horsey

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Obama Blame Game


© Rob Rogers

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ClimateGate Hoax


© Joel Pett

When the right wing accused climate scientists of falsifying data, it was all over the media. But now that the so-called “ClimateGate” has been proved to be a hoax — there was no falsifying of data, and the accused scientists have been cleared of any wrongdoing — there is hardly any mention.

We don’t have media in this country, we have propaganda. Maybe bought-and-paid-for corporate propaganda, but propaganda none the less.

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The Republican Party is not the solution to our problem; the Republican Party is the problem

Reagan famously said “government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem”. This quote has been taken out of context and twisted into implying that the government is incapable of solving problems, so the size of government should always be reduced by cutting taxes and eliminating government regulation.

But if you read the entire original quote, you can see that this isn’t at all what Reagan meant:

In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we’ve been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden.

Reagan was saying that everyone must share in the burden of governing, not just people actually in government. Governing is everyone’s responsibility, not just some elite group, starting with being responsible for ourselves.

I was thinking about this while reading the latest disclosures about the Florida Republican Party. Top officials of the Florida GOP are facing criminal charges, and now the former office manager has broken her silence and is painting a picture of rampant corruption, waste, and fraud. The office manager, Susan Wright, describes an elite “club” of top party officials who spent millions of dollars on personal vacations, birthday parties for their children, gambling, Wayne Newton concert tickets, expensive cigars, fancy dinners, jobs for friends, and even oil portraits of themselves.

What makes this even more stunning is the sense of entitlement displayed by members of the “club”. At the same time that the officials were misappropriating millions of dollars, the party itself was going broke. When Wright questioned these lavish expenditures, she was told that it was none of her business, and that she would lose her job if she didn’t keep quiet. The top officials even set up a shell company that they owned, and funneled party funds into the company. When Wright objected, she was summarily fired.

The bottom line is, it isn’t government that is the problem, it is bad government that is the problem. When you let some elite group take over any organization — whether it is lobbyists taking over Congress, or a small group of crooks stealing money from a political party — that’s the real problem. The Florida Republican party shows just how bad it can get, and really makes you wonder: if they can’t even govern their own party, how can we expect them to run the government?

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We The Immigrants


© Ed Stein

Again, Ed Stein has excellent commentary to go along with his excellent comic:

Despite the annoying fact that the Federal government has been unable to craft a coherent immigration policy, it simply isn’t up to the states to design their own. there’s this little constitutional problem, which is that the Federal government is solely responsible for immigration policy. Thus, the Attorney General was quite correct in suing Arizona on constitutional grounds. I have some sympathy for the state of Arizona; fully half of illegal border crossings occur there, and Arizona bears the brunt of our national failure to deal with the issue. That said, their solution is wrong on so many grounds I won’t even go into it here.

What ties us in knots nationally is a disconnect between rhetoric and reality. When we reduce the issues to jingoistic sound bites, we get nowhere. I love “What part of illegal don’t you understand?” To which I reply, “What part of illegal is illegal immigration? Illegal like mass murder, or illegal like a parking ticket? We do tend to treat those two differently. Then there’s the “amnesty” word, the one that brings the whole debate to a halt. Look, we are simply not going to deport 11 million, or 15 or 17, or whatever the number is, folks who at one time entered the country illegally. Not possible, so eliminate that as an option. Letting those who have been here for a long time, worked, kept out of trouble, paid taxes, have a path to citizenship seems appropriate to me, but the opponents can’t get the amnesty word out of their heads. A proposal is now being floated to allow a sort of limbo instead–a permanent green card allowing them to live here, but never become citizens. What a terrible idea! Remember the riots in Paris a few years ago? Permanent workers from other countries unable to fully participate in French life because they could never become citizens. Is that what we want?

Then again, even that appalling idea is better than what arizona came up with.

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How did a country of immigrants start blaming immigrants?

Dana Milbank has an excellent list of the lies that are being told to stir up fear against illegal aliens: tall tales of beheadings, claims that border violence is increasing when it is actually decreasing, fantasy claims that Phoenix is the #2 kidnapping capital in the world, blaming illegal immigrants for most police killings, and whoppers about the majority of illegal immigrants being drug mules.

In fact, it is hard to find a reason being offered for the Arizona immigration crackdown that is not based on a lie. For example, in addition to blaming illegal immigrants for pretty much everything that ails Arizona, they also claim that the racist Arizona law is necessary because the feds are not doing anything about illegal immigration. But this is simply not true. The Obama administration’s crackdown on companies that hire illegal aliens is far more effective than the work-site roundups of illegal workers done by the Bush administration.

And most of these lies are coming from people who should know better. Governor Jan Brewer doesn’t even seem to care, repeating lies over and over again that have already been debunked. Even more disgusting is Senator John McCain, who has cravenly done a massive flip-flop on the issue and is now spreading even more falsehoods.

I’m nauseated that the mainstream media seems willing to go along with many of these lies. There are exceptions of course, including this brilliant piece from Jon Stewart:

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Rush Limbaugh – fighting for the average joe

Rush Limbaugh has sold his Fifth Avenue condo in New York City, complaining about high taxes. And you know, the apartment, which takes up an entire floor of the building and even has its own entrance, is just like you would imagine Limbaugh would use to rest his weary head, after a long day of fighting for average, struggling Americans:

Limbaugh reportedly made $6.5 million profit on the sale and now lives in a sprawling Palm Beach mansion. I’m not sure, but someone might have overheard him saying “Let them eat cake”.

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We Have Met The Enemy, and He is US


© Matt Bors

You know, I can almost believe that if a foreign power wanted to destroy America, they couldn’t do nearly as good a job as this.

UPDATE: Commenting on the spy swap with Russia, VP Joe Biden said “I thought they’d take Rush Limbaugh”. Maybe they would have if we had thrown in Coulter.

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