Political Irony

“A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A California judge has overruled California’s ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. … Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings.” – Jay Leno

“A federal judge struck down California’s gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy.” – Craig Ferguson

“Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco – good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was President Obama’s birthday. All the Democrats were like ‘How old are you now,’ while the Republicans were like ‘And where were you born?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn’t have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.” – David Letterman

“Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he’s registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back.” – David Letterman

“They got him a huge cake. He didn’t blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own.” – Jay Leno

“According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy?” – Jay Leno

“Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That’s always the deal breaker, isn’t it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol.” – Jay Leno

“How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can’t even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend.” – Jay Leno

“Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they’re not getting back together. Boy, I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman

“BP says they’ve been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It’s getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some.” – Jay Leno

“Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it’s like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder.” – Jay Leno

“How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single ‘Terminator’ movie.” – Jay Leno

“Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform.” – Jay Leno

“Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fundraising.” – Jay Leno

“Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don’t want it to happen there.” – Jay Leno

“Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of ‘We Are the World.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, ‘Mom, put the gun down.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre.” – Jay Leno

“I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They’re also hosting the Al Gore divorce.” – David Letterman

“Apparently Bill Clinton — you all remember Bubba — you know he was an emotional guy. He broke down twice at the wedding. Once during the wedding vows he broke down, started to cry. And then later when they ran out of buffalo wings.” – David Letterman

“It’s President Obama’s birthday tomorrow. He’ll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and ‘Good luck in Afghanistan!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.” – Jay Leno

“Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it’s under water. They don’t call them experts for nothing. ” – David Letterman

“Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn’t even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.” – Jay Leno

“Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, ‘Don’t worry, all three murderers are American citizens.'” – Jay Leno

“Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ was arrested for punching a cop. President Obama stepped in. He invited them both to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It’s time to start investigating the ethics panel.” – Jay Leno

“Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant.” – Jay Leno

© Tom Tomorrow

Déjà vu all over again!

“President Obama is in town for an appearance on ‘The View.’ He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is going on ‘The View’ to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to ‘General Hospital’ to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on ‘The View.’ Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'” – Jay Leno

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.” – Jay Leno

“BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly ‘demonized’ in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?” – David Letterman

“Continental announced a new feature called ‘self boarding.’ There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s ‘Terrorists Fly Hassle-free’ program.” – Jay Leno

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” – Jay Leno

“BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn’t been ruined yet.” – David Letterman

“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” – Jay Leno

“Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August. Obama was like, ‘This is my longest vacation ever,’ and voters were like, ‘Wait’ll you see the one we’re planning for you!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.'” – Jay Leno

“King Tut’s chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno’s garage.” – David Letterman

“King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters.” – David Letterman

“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles.” – Jimmy Fallon