Political Irony

“You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O’Donnell, is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She’s come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She’s out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves.” – Jay Leno

“Nation, I’ve have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate Christine O’Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic, conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas she’s single and will condemn you for masturbating. The total package.” – Stephen Colbert

“O’Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they’re doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, ‘Have fun in Congress then.'” – Craig Ferguson

“If you’ve got a Google news alert tuned to Republican party, witchcraft and anti-masturbation, you are probably sick of hearing about how Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell clinched the nomination for Senator from Delaware.” – Jon Stewart

“I like Christine O’Donnell. She’s good-looking and she’s hilarious. I haven’t had this much fun since Cheney was in office.” – Craig Ferguson

“Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O’Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That’s the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful.” – Jay Leno

“She’s like an east coast Sarah Palin or a less slutty Rachael Ray or like a non-masturbating version of former Delaware Senator Joe Biden. That’s right, Biden. I just said you ride the Amtrak, if you know what I mean.” – Jon Stewart

“Christine O’Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey.” – David Letterman

“More problems for candidate O’Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced her on Bill Maher’s TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling.” – Jay Leno

“Christine O’Donnell says that she once had a date on a satanic altar? Well, who hasn’t?” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O’Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water.” – Craig Ferguson

“O’Donnell’s past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O’Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float …” – Stephen Colbert

“The Republican candidate from Delaware, Christine O’Donnell, it turns out she’s a practicing witch. And if she wins, and goes to the Senate, she’ll be the first practicing witch in Washington since Barbara Bush.” – David Letterman

“I shouldn’t say that. Barbara Bush, of course, was a lovely woman, and also the Quaker Oats guy.” – David Letterman

“Justin Bieber was spotted at a Hooters restaurant in Canada. I don’t think 16-year-olds should be hanging out at Hooters. They should be dabbling in witchcraft, like Christine O’Donnell.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Traffic here in New York was backed up today because of the U.N. General Assembly’s annual meeting. You could hardly get anywhere or do anything. It was almost like being in the U.N.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Iranian President Ahmadinejad is in New York. You know he hates Jews and gay people. Boy, is he in the wrong place.” – David Letterman

“Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda’s number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too.” – Jay Leno

“When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: ‘Nice hat.'” – Jay Leno

Matt Bors has been traveling in Afghanistan, along with fellow cartoonists Ted Rall and Steven Cloud, unembedded and unprotected, drawing what he sees and hears. Here’s the first cartoon in the series but there are six more (all from Afghanistan) now; click here (or on the comic) to follow along:

© Matt Bors

“Well-known, veteran politicians were upended by candidates from the Tea Party. It was especially shocking because I’ve been to a lot of tea parties with my daughter and most of the people there are stuffed animals.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a great day for the members of the tea party. You know, the new political party that believes in … I don’t know.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former New York Congressman Rick Lazio was beaten by an unknown businessman named Carl Paladino, whose achievements include comparing a Jewish assembly speaker to Hitler unfavorably, endorsing a plan to turn prisons into dorms to teach welfare recipients about hygiene, and he’s also known for forwarding racist joke emails and videos of a woman having sex with a horse to his friends. Like Lincoln never emailed his friends a video of a woman having sex with a horse!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she’s gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O’Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she’s against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well.” – Jay Leno

“She’s also against masturbation. I’m afraid you lost me now, lady. If she wants to win this November, she may have to change that position.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I’ll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I’ll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I’ll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that’s where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government’s. So listen up, Christine O’Donnell — and Rosie O’Donnell too while we’re at it — we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O’Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there.” – Jay Leno

“Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn’t been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes. ” – Jay Leno

“Nancy Pelosi’s Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier.” – Jay Leno