Political Irony

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama told voters that he’s a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he’s a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East.” – Jay Leno

“The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don’t tell British Petroleum.” – David Letterman

“BP announced earlier today that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout.” – David Letterman

“Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O’Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they’re going to fight fire with fire.” – Jay Leno

“The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don’t try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars.” – Jay Leno

“It’s getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that’s running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It’s a two-minute ad. And here’s the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did.” – Jay Leno

“South Dakota Senator John Thune says he’s talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: ‘Who are you again?'” – Jay Leno

“Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn’t that what the recession was for?” – Jimmy Fallon

Would be even funnier if it weren’t so true.

“Christine O’Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging.” – Craig Ferguson

“Until last week it said on her online profile that she attended Oxford University, which of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. Stephen Hawking teaches at Oxford, Rhodes scholars go there … She didn’t go to Oxford, which is a shame, because Oxford’s rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators. That’s their nickname because they always choke.” – Craig Ferguson

“Christine O’Donnell didn’t go to Oxford. It turns out she took a class from something called the Phoenix Institute, which happened to be renting a classroom at Oxford. That’s like saying you’re a TV star, but really you’re just on CBS during the middle of the damn night.” – Craig Ferguson

“I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I’m sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. ‘Hey baby, I hear you’re a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don’t, I’ll do it myself, and that would be wrong.'” – Craig Ferguson

“We shouldn’t judge candidates on what they stood for 25 years ago. It’s what they stand for today. Because if you look at Christine O’Donnell now, past the media hubbub and what she’s actually saying, you’ll see she’s f*cking insane. But look, I work in late-night television, and frankly we kind of need one of those every now and again. It helps, is what I’m saying. Look, give me one out of 100. Give me one!” – Craig Ferguson

“A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don’t know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, “All right, at least give me a hint.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you’re mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah.” – David Letterman

“In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if ‘Born in the USA’ is on the list.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama said today that change is hard. You think it’s hard now? Wait until the House changes in November.” – Jay Leno

“Christine O’Donnell doesn’t believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren’t still evolving into humans. I was like, ‘It doesn’t happen that fast.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House. Is he really quitting or just pulling a Leno?” – David Letterman

“In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was ‘Do you have a plan to fix the economy?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has written a children’s book. Why not? He’s got nothing else on his plate.” – David Letterman

“Obama’s book is called ‘The One-Term Engine That Could.'” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn’t get what they wanted should just ‘buck up.’ Of course, Joe Biden has ‘bucked up’ a number of times.” – Jay Leno

“During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he’s planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I’m not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli.” – Jay Leno

“The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel?” – Jay Leno

“After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, ‘Jon & Kate Plus One and That’s It.'” – Jimmy Fallon

Are you all excited about Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity in Washington DC, but you’re trying to figure out how to get there?

Well, help is on the way. If you live in New York City, Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post has promised to have as many buses as it takes to get people from Manhattan to DC for the Rally.

Or maybe you live on the other side of the country (like me) and can’t make it to DC, but want to share your support somehow. Well, how reasonable can we get? In addition to the big kahuna going on in DC, a bunch of similar events are planed in cities all across the USA. I’m not sure if there is a directory of them, but if you go to Facebook and search on “Rally to Restore Sanity” along with your city name, you might just get lucky.

I live in Portland, OR, and we had one of the largest turnouts during the Obama campaign. Let’s see if we can do the same for Sanity! And speaking of Obama, he has some kind words for the rally.

UPDATE: List of cities that will have their own rally. Some are in other countries (including Paris, New Zealand, Australia, and even one at Mt. Everest base camp). My favorite one in the US is the one being held in Wasilla, Alaska.

“At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, ‘Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'” – Jay Leno

“Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq.” – David Letterman

“In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that’s just with Obama’s mother-in-law.” – David Letterman

“President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?” – Jay Leno

“On the ‘Today’ show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin.” – Jimmy Fallon

“These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim.” – Jay Leno