“Remember Lou Dobbs on CNN, who was always railing against illegal immigrants and the people who hire them. It turns out Lou Dobbs hires illegal immigrants. I was shocked. Lou Dobbs is married to Meg Whitman?” – Bill Maher
“It’s now being alleged that Lou Dobbs had illegal immigrants working for him. The good news, he’s now qualified to run for governor of California.” – Jay Leno
“What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.” – Bill Maher
“Christine O’Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an ad this week. The first words of the ad are ‘I am not a witch.’ This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since, I got to go back to the Massachusetts primary of 1692.” – Bill Maher
“Political experts say the one thing you’re not supposed to do as a politician is say you’re not something. Remember, Nixon ‘I am not a crook.’ Bill Clinton ‘I did not have sex with that woman.’ Carly Fiorina has an ad out here. She said, ‘I am not that butch gym teacher from ‘Glee.'” – Bill Maher
“Christine O’Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy sh*t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron.” – Bill Maher
“Christine O’Donnell is behind, but I don’t think it’s the witch stuff. I think it’s because of her anti-masturbation stance. She’s very serious about that, and you know people in Delaware are going, ‘Come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?'” – Bill Maher
“There’s going to be a big debate next week between the Senate candidates there. This is the first debate for the anti-masturbation witch candidate Christine O’Donnell. She must be very nervous. If there was only some way to release all that tension.” – Craig Ferguson
“Here in California we also have a bit of a scandal. Jerry Brown was leaving a message on somebody’s phone line and he thought he hung up, but he didn’t. And then you can hear somebody say, ‘Meg Whitman is a whore.’ You know, some candidates have trouble with the Internet, Facebook, or Twitter. Jerry is still getting the hang of the phone.” – Bill Maher
“Jerry Brown has apologized to Meg Whitman after a campaign aide called her a whore. Let me tell you, that is totally out of line. Politicians don’t become whores until after they’re elected.” – Jay Leno
“Sharron Angle, every week this woman gets crazier. Now she says that Sharia Law – you know, strict Islamic law like they have in Saudi Arabia – is taking hold in American cities in Michigan and Texas. Even Glenn Beck says, ‘Where does she get this sh*t?” – Bill Maher
“Todd Palin – have you heard this story? In Alaska, Joe Miller – he’s the teabagger nut who’s running for the Senate there – they got into a big brouhaha because apparently Sarah Palin put this guy on the map, and then Joe Miller was asked if Sarah Palin could be president, and he said, ‘I don’t know.’ So then Todd Palin, all pissed off, wrote him a bunch of emails full of grammatical errors and spelling errors. Don’t f*ck with Todd Palin. He will make you an offer he can’t pronounce. You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horse’s ass in your bed, like he does everyday.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh yeah, right” – Jimmy Fallon
