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Late Night Political Humor

“Clarence Thomas’s wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I’m truly sorry you’re married to Clarence Thomas.” – Bill Maher

“Clarence Thomas’s ex-girlfriend came forward to say Anita Hill was right, he is a pervert. He was obsessed with porn and big breasts. And that’s just a taste of what’s in store on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court.” – Bill Maher

“An amazing thing. This morning I get up to let the dog out into the backyard. Guess what? President Obama is out there talking about the economy.” – David Letterman

“In Washington, President Obama’s recent speech to a women’s conference was interrupted when his presidential seal on the podium fell off — two years early.” – Seth Meyers

“So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“Apparently the Octomom still has 29 frozen embryos, which is almost enough to give one to each Chilean miner. I think it’s time for President Obama to build a border fence around the Octomom’s uterus.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O’Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can’t let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?”– Bill Maher

“Following Williams’ firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they’re siding with a black guy named Juan.” – Seth Meyers

“Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment.” – Seth Meyers

“Isn’t America great? Here’s this guy Rick Sanchez. A guy you’ve never heard of. And now, he’s gone.” – David Letterman

“Last night on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he’s never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O’Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus.” – Bill Maher

“Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O’Donnell blamed her campaign’s recent troubles on unfair coverage in the “liberal media.” Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: ‘Record’ and ‘Play.'” – Seth Meyers

“According to news reports, Christine O’Donnell’s father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you’re the embarrassment in the family.” – Jimmy Fallon

“How can you not know about the separation of church and state? Someone get this woman a copy of Schoolhouse Rock because this is ridiculous. Apparently they don’t teach the Constitution at Hogwarts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During a debate on Meet the Press, Colorado Republican Senate candidate Ken Buck said that he believes being gay is a choice. Interesting position, Ken Buck. Did your name choose to be gay?” – Seth Meyers

“One of the other nuts — Carl Paladino in New York state — they had a debate. I’ve never seen this in politics — he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I’ve ever seen.” – Bill Maher

“Jackass 3D” just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino.” – David Letterman

“It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the ’80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his party to the Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party.” – Seth Meyers

“The main purpose of the North Korean demonstration was to introduce Kim Jong Il’s new heir-apparent – his youngest son, Kim Jong Un. But don’t be deceived… his cheeks are, in fact, not chubby. He’s storing up evil for the winter.” – Jon Stewart

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A Perfect Match


© Lloyd Dangle

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What does money buy?

Three Republican candidates — Meg Whitman, Rick Scott, and Linda McMahon — have collectively spent $243 million dollars of their own money on their campaigns. Yes, almost a quarter of a billion dollars. That’s more than the combined spending during this election of the US Chamber of Commerce, Karl Rove’s American Crossroads, and major union the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees.

But what’s ironic is that none of these candidates are ahead in the polls. Whitman’s $141 million (and that doesn’t include contributions) got her 8 points behind Jerry Brown for the California governorship, while former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon has spent $41 million — more than twice as much per voter as Whitman — but is trailing by 18 points in her run for Connecticut Senator. Only Scott — a former health care executive at a hospital chain that paid $1.7 billion in fines for Medicare fraud — is competitive in his bid to be the governor of Florida, after spending $60 million of his own money.

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Top Ten Excuses for Ignoring Unemployment


© Barry Deutsch

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Misplaced Anger


© Joel Pett

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Only in My Backyard! Stimulating Hypocrisy

The Center for Public Integrity has an interesting report called “Stimulating Hypocrisy”. It is well known that many of the same politicians who voted against the stimulus bill (and continue to call it a waste of money) simultaneously worked hard to direct that money towards their own pet projects. I guess I can’t blame them, and you can almost justify such a two-faced position, like conservative Pete Sessions tried when asked why his opposition to the stimulus didn’t stop him from lobbying for stimulus money for a rail project in his district. According to CPI, Sessions told them that he did not want his “strong, principled objection to the bill to prevent me” from getting his congressional district its share of the massive spending pot. It’s the old “government is corrupt, so I may as well get some of that corrupt money to come my way” argument.

But what I find completely hypocritical are the letters that these politicians are writing in support of their pet projects. At the same time that Sessions was attacking the stimulus, calling it a wasteful “trillion dollar spending spree” that wasn’t about “growing the economy and creating jobs” and saying it was an “abject failure”, his letter to the Transportation Secretary asking for $81 for his rail project talked about how the project “will create jobs, stimulate the economy, improve regional mobility and reduce pollution.”

Even Tea Party favorites like Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown and Minnesota Rep Michele Bachmann, staunch libertarians like Ron Paul, and campaigners against pork like John McCain wrote letters and made phone calls asking for stimulus money. Scott Brown claimed that the stimulus “didn’t create one new job” but then turned around and wrote a letter in support of a $45 million stimulus grant that he said would “help prepare our next generation of entrepreneurs and job creators.” Michele Bachmann called it “the failed Pelosi trillion-dollar stimulus” but wrote more than a half dozen letters on behalf of proposed stimulus grants, including one where she argued that the project “would directly produce 1,407 new jobs per year while indirectly producing 1,563 a year – a total of 2,970 jobs each year after the project’s completion.” Indeed, the GOP “Pledge to America” specifically promises to cancel all unspent stimulus dollars if Republicans regain control of Congress in the upcoming election.

The hypocrisy isn’t limited to Republicans of course. I’m not just talking about conservative Democrats who voted against the bill but then thrust their hand out to benefit from it. There are Democrats (including Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) who boasted about how they prevented lawmakers from inserting specific “earmarks” into the bill, but then turned around and engaged in behind-the-scenes letter writing campaigns to direct the money their way. For example, Democrat Brad Ellsworth was originally against the stimulus bill, but after receiving a significant donation from Duke Energy’s political action committee he changed his mind and voted for it, and then helped Duke receive a grant from the Energy Department.

At the CPI site, you can enter the name of your state and see letters written by your politicians requesting stimulus money. Using the Freedom of Information Act, CPI was able to obtain over 1500 letters from politicians that were written to just three departments (Transportation, Energy, and Commerce).

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The Upside of Foreclosure


© Matt Bors

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The Rise, Fall, and Bankruptcy of the Religious Right

A report in the LA Times documents an interesting fact — organized religion is on the wane in the US. The number of people who say they have no religious affiliation is increasing dramatically. For decades, only 7% of the population claimed they had no religion, but after around 1990 the number started growing, hitting 17% today. Even worse, among young people, the percentage with no religious affiliation is even higher, around 27%.

But what is really interesting is the cause. In the 1970s and 80s organized religion became political. Some of this was a reaction to the perceived immorality of the 1960s, but increasingly conservative politicians used moral issues like homosexuality and abortion to mobilize support. This briefly worked to increase GOP turnout for elections, but it has now caused its own backlash.

A side effect of this polarization is that increasingly, religion divides the two political parties. Not that long ago, the Democrats elected an evangelical christian as president. It is difficult to believe that they could do that today.

And as religion has been pushed further to the hard right extreme, with the Westboro Baptist Church continuing to picket gay funerals, established religions like Catholics supporting the Iraq war, and hatred being spewed at other religions, particularly Islam, it is hardly a surprise that at least one of the megachurches has filed for bankruptcy.

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Tea Party Founder to Tea Party: Go Screw Yourself

One of the original founders of the tea party movement says that the Tea Party has been “hijacked” by the very people it was protesting.

You can tell how far away he is from what is now called the Tea Party, because he still has a sense of humor. Karl Denninger declared that he “ought to sue” anyone who uses the name Tea Party “for defamation”, but then added “Yeah, that’s a joke. But so are you. All of you. Especially Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Bob Barr, and the douchebag groups such as the ‘Tea Party Patriots’.”

But he also still has plenty of anger. He continues “Tea Party my ass. This was nothing other than the Republican Party stealing the anger of a population that was fed up with the Republican Party’s own theft of their tax money at gunpoint to bail out the robbers of Wall Street and fraudulently redirecting it back toward electing the very people who stole all the ****ing money!”

Go read Denninger’s rant. If this was what the Tea Party stood for and was fighting for, then I would sign up.

Remember Dylan Ratigan from the other day — speaking truth that elicited stunned silence on the Morning Joe show? Watch this segment of his talking about the hijacking of the Tea Party movement and what can be done about it:

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If Ignorance is Bliss…


© Keith Tucker

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The Seven Ironies of the Tea Party

David Michael Green has a brilliant rant about the Tea Party. Here are (too many) choice quotes, but the whole (fairly short) article is worth a read.

It’s ironic, to begin with, that the ones who are bitching loudest today are precisely the people who created the mess we’re in.

The astonishing irony here is that they’ve had their way with economic policy in this country for thirty years running. And, excuse me, but now they’re pissed off at the results?

Taxes today are a mere hint of what they used to be, just as the right has insisted must be the case. For the rich especially, top marginal income taxes have come down from 91 percent to 35 percent. But, of course, even that doesn’t include earnings on capital gains, a giant portion of their income, which is now at 15 percent. Nor does it include the estate tax, which has now disappeared entirely.

On trade, previously existing barriers and protections for domestic industries have been eviscerated almost completely, so that for much of the world today, it’s a single market for products and capital. Labor? Not so much. What a shock, then, that America’s good jobs – especially in manufacturing – are now all located in Mexico. Or at least they were, until even those became too expensive and got moved to China and India and Vietnam.

The story is the same in the domain of labor relations, where the playing field has been slanted massively in the direction of capital, starting with Reagan’s firing of the air traffic controllers. The upshot of these rule changes and enforcement laxity has been that the portion of union-protected jobs in America has shrunk from about 35 percent to about 7 percent, with precisely the results for workers that you’d expect.

With deregulation, too, we’ve seen massive changes as well over the same period, across industries far and wide, not least of which includes the repealing of Glass-Steagal and the unleashing of Wall Street. The right insisted – and still does – that this is great news for the economy. History begs to differ.

The result, of course, has been economic devastation far and wide. The rich have gotten massively richer, the rest of us are sinking, the federal debt has skyrocketed, our jobs have been exported to China and India, Wall Street has plunged the global economy into the toilet, corporations like BP do whatever they want without fear of consequence, and the United States is imploding as a great power. These are not coincidences, either. And now here comes the great irony: the same people who have been getting their way on the economy for thirty years now are just absolutely livid about what they themselves have created! They’re just completely enraged at the product of their own politics.

A second great irony is the extent to which the tea party bozos are being manipulated by elites like the Koch Brothers, Rupert Murdoch and the likes of Dick Armey. The very people who created the public’s economic insecurity in order to get rich off of it, are now channeling the resulting rage into support for more of the same.

Another pretty serious irony is that the tea partiers are likely about to gain some substantial power, but have no solutions to the problems they perceive. … Unless, of course, they’re prepared to slash Social Security and Medicare spending. Which they’re not. When the New York Times ran a poll on tea partiers back in April, it found that they tend to favor the generic idea of cutting government programs. Just not the only ones that really matter. Some were unable to reconcile the competing concepts: “‘That’s a conundrum, isn’t it?’ asked Jodine White, 62, of Rocklin, Calif. ‘I don’t know what to say. Maybe I don’t want smaller government. I guess I want smaller government and my Social Security.’ She added, ‘I didn’t look at it from the perspective of losing things I need. I think I’ve changed my mind.'”

The only way to balance the budget by 2020, while simultaneously (a) making the Bush tax cuts permanent and (b) protecting all the programs Republicans say they won’t cut, is to completely abolish the rest of the federal government: ‘No more national parks, no more Small Business Administration loans, no more export subsidies, no more N.I.H. No more Medicaid (one-third of its budget pays for long-term care for our parents and others with disabilities). No more child health or child nutrition programs. No more highway construction. No more homeland security. Oh, and no more Congress.'”

I notice that nobody running for Congress this year is specifying just how they’d kill the deficit. They want to cut spending, and they say they can, but they can’t see any rush in specifying how they’ll do it. That can wait til after the election. Republican duplicity and hypocrisy.

What would it look like if Obama didn’t have to pay for Bush’s wars based on lies, didn’t have to pay for Bush’s prescription drug plan, didn’t have to pay for Bush’s tax cuts, didn’t have to pay for stimulus funds to rescue the country from Bush’s Great Recession, and didn’t have to pay interest (one of the biggest items in the federal budget) on the money that Bush and Reagan borrowed previously? Most likely, it would look like it did on January 20, 2001, the day that Bush came to office, and the United States was running the greatest surplus ever in its history.

So here we stand. The people who created endless disaster as far as the eye can see are now completely beside themselves in outrage that someone is spending a few dollars to clean up the mess these same folks have made by convincing America to follow their policies over the last thirty years. They want big changes, right now, even though they can’t quite specify what they want – other than changes that won’t hurt them, personally – and even though these changes would do absolutely nothing to solve the current problems facing the country, and would in fact probably exacerbate those.

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Best Pro-Gay Marriage PSA Ever!

Alec Baldwin is absolutely fantastic in this PSA:

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Pig-headedness

You want to talk a little foreign money in politics? George Soros has admitted to donating $1 million to Media Matters for America. – Rush Limbaugh

How wrong can Limbaugh get it? Well, first of all, Soros announced that he was donating money to Media Matters, which he didn’t have to do. Unlike all those secret billionaire donors to The U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Americans for Prosperity, and American Crossroads (founded by Karl Rove) who have pumped hundreds of millions of dollars into Republican campaigns.

But the big lie here? George Soros is an American citizen. He can vote and everything.

Not to be outdone, Glenn Beck has repeatedly claimed (on 14 separate occasions this year alone) that George Soros was funding Media Matters (a frequent critic of Fox News), but the reality is that this is the first time that Soros has given any money at all to Media Matters. In announcing his donation, Soros said the following:

Despite repeated assertions to the contrary by various Fox News commentators, I have not to date been a funder of Media Matters. However, in view of recent evidence suggesting that the incendiary rhetoric of Fox News hosts may incite violence, I have now decided to support the organization. Media Matters is one of the few groups that attempts to hold Fox News accountable for the false and misleading information they so often broadcast. I am supporting Media Matters in an effort to more widely publicize the challenge Fox News poses to civil and informed discourse in our democracy.

Last summer, convicted felon Byron Williams armed himself and set out to kill staffers at an organization funded by Soros, While in jail, Williams claimed he was incited by Glenn Beck.

In addition, Fox News commentators often claim that Soros funds MoveOn.org, but Soros last gave money to them in 2004.

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Please Vote, Now!

Early voting is allowed in 32 states and has started in most of them. My wife and I already voted a couple of days ago, and it is nice to have that out of the way. At least one-third of all ballots this election will be cast before election day.

Once you have voted early at home, you will never want to go back to the lines, parking problems, cranky voting machines, and other annoyances of going to a polling place. And a big advantage of early voting, to me, is that when faced with some obscure position and you can’t remember for whom you want to vote, you can just look it up on the web and see what your options are. No rush, no fuss, and you can vote when you want to. If you live west of the Mississippi River, then your state has early voting, and quite a few states in the east do so as well.

Where I live we only have early voting, which we call “vote by mail”. I love it. My only nod to the old days is that I don’t like mailing in my ballot, so I always drop it off. Luckily, the drop-off point is only a half mile from where I live.

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Tea Party v2


© Clay Bennett

They protest against taxes, and yet taxes are at their lowest rate since WWII (and we are having to lay off teachers because of it).

They claim lower taxes will result in greater prosperity, and yet the periods when our prosperity was highest was back when taxes were much higher.

Did Bush’s tax cuts result in improvements to our economy? No, the economy fell apart in the worst recession since the great depression.

I’m not saying that taxing and spending are always good, I’m just saying that there is no direct, ironclad correlation either way.

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