“President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.” – Jay Leno
“A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don’t get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is in Indonesia. I guess he won a trip on ‘Wheel of Fortune.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star.” – Craig Ferguson
“Obama actually spent part of his childhood in Indonesia. He was known as Barry Obama then. They’ve been digging up childhood friends. One said he was chubby and ran like a duck. Which proves he’s not Kenyan, because that’s as American as it gets.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Barack Obama used to be known as ‘Barry.’ Barry doesn’t sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank.” –Craig Ferguson
“Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport.” – Jay Leno
“Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?” – Jay Leno
“The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the eight million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show ‘Wings.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“‘Decision Points’ by George W. Bush has dropped, and it’s like ‘War & Peace’ without the peace. Here’s the very first page: ‘In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.’ Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won’t know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that we can’t believe something is there just because Bush says it is.” – Stephen Colbert
“George W. Bush’s memoir is out today. And the guy is apparently quite candid, quite honest in the memoir. It’s a big, big book. The problem is because of his economic policies nobody can afford to buy the book.” – David Letterman
“Former president George Bush has a new book out called ‘Decision Points.’ He’s quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things.” – Jay Leno
“In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face.” – David Letterman
“George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It’s an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Former President Bush was on ‘Oprah.’ It was Oprah’s annual ‘Least Favorite Things’ episode.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Former President George W. Bush was on ‘Oprah.’ When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, ‘It’s not bad.'” – Conan O’Brien
“But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he’s a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe.” – David Letterman
“Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there’s nothing people without a job love more than less health care.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, and did you know this is fraud awareness week? Fraud awareness week comes the week after the election when people realize the person they elected is a huge fraud.” – Jay Leno
“We’ll start with the shocking events on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Once again, Bristol Palin, despite the fact again she had the lowest score, lives to dance another week and instead quarterback Kurt Warner becomes the latest moose to find himself in the Palin cross hairs. Who knew Bristol Palin was the most popular person on television.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“What if Bristol Palin wins ‘Dancing with the Stars?’ How afraid can America be of her mother? She can’t dance. She’s not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the ‘with the.’ I wouldn’t have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not.” – Jimmy Kimmel
