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Late Night Political Humor

“This will be a rough week for President Obama. He’s got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It’s been a fowl week.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s picture book for kids is coming out. That’s when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You can tell President Obama wrote his children’s book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama wrote a children’s book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill.” – Jay Leno

“All of the royalties from Obama’s book sales will go to an organization that really needs the money: the Obama re-election company.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is back home after his ten-day trip to Asia. On the way back, yesterday, air force one made a stop in Anchorage, Alaska, which is hopefully the only time we’ll hear air force one and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin’s new reality show premiered last night on TLC. Huge ratings. 5 Million viewers. The biggest premiere in the history of that network. If you didn’t see it, basically it’s Jon and Kate plus about four meets the deadliest catch. It’s Ice Road Soccer Mom.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’ got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by ‘John McCain’s Mesopotamia.'” – Jay Leno

“Early on in the first episode Sarah Palin talked about trying to protect her family’s privacy while speaking directly into a television camera.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There was a funny moment on Palin’s show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the ‘Hangover 2.’ He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he’s not a letch. Turns out all these years he’s just been preparing for a role. He’s a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. ‘You did what in Thailand?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of former presidents, I’m not making this up. Former President Clinton apparently has a cameo in he new “Hangover 2″ movie. Yep. When asked why Clinton is in the movie, the producers said there are some things Mike Tyson will not do.” –Conan O’Brien

“For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine – the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, ‘Oh, I f*cking hate wine!'” – Jon Stewart

“Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie.” – David Letterman

“Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush’s new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bernie Madoff’s underpants were sold at an auction. They were from ‘Fraud of the Loom.'” – David Letterman

“They sold a lot of Madoff’s cold weather clothing. He won’t need that where he’s going.” – David Letterman

“Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt.” – David Letterman

“TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers’ thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don’t mind being patted down by airport security, but I don’t like it when the guy says, ‘Now you do me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans.” – Craig Ferguson

“The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame-ass excuse for a Congress.” – Jay Leno

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Deficit of Intelligence

A new Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll provides an interesting view into the minds of Americans.

Several polls in the past have shown that a majority of Americans want to cut the deficit, even during hard economic times.

However, when asked how they would cut the deficit, 70% were against making any cuts to programs such as Medicare, Social Security, or defense. And 60% were against raising taxes. Since Medicare, Social Security, and defense make up the vast majority of the federal budget (not counting things like interest payments on the debt, which cannot be cut), this basically means that people want to cut the deficit, but they want the spending to continue and they don’t want to have to pay for it.

One of the pollsters who conducted the survey summed it up: “Everybody wants to cut the deficit and cut the spending. But at the end of the day, everybody wants a choice that doesn’t affect their well-being.”

Also ironic was that when asked about the recent bipartisan proposal to reduce the deficit, more Republicans opposed the plan than Democrats. So are the Republicans actually interested in cutting the deficit, or are they just using it as a partisan attack?


© Tom Toles

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If Esquire Magazine can balance our budget, why can’t Congress?

Esquire Magazine put together a commission to balance the budget. You may not agree with all their decisions, but at least they did it. If you want to skip to the detailed results, they are here. They did it with a combination of sensible spending cuts with a small amount of tax increases.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Sarah Palin has a new show. She takes viewers all around Alaska, and shows them where she water-boarded Levi Johnston.” – David Letterman

“A show with Sarah Palin? Did we run out of Kardashians?” – David Letterman

“John McCain makes an appearance on Palin’s show. He wasn’t scheduled, he just wanders through.” – David Letterman

“I think the name of the Sarah Palin show is sh*t my ex-governor says.” – David Letterman

“George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle of black. Honest to goodness.” – David Letterman

“An article on ‘Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush’s new memoir ‘Decision Points” were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss.” – Seth Meyers

“George Bush’s memoir out. It’s called ‘Decision Points’ It’s also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff.” – Bill Maher

“The weirdest part of his memoir is that Bush says when he was a teenager, his mother showed him a fetus that she had miscarried that she kept in a jar. And his decision point there was to start drinking. … Actually Bush says when she showed him the fetus in the jar, that’s what made him so strongly against abortion — and for food labels.” – Bill Maher

“Bush was everywhere this week. He was on Matt Lauer, Sean Hannity, Oprah. And he got 50 bucks for his fetus in a jar on ‘The Antique Roadshow.'” – Bill Maher

“One of the new proposals from a bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in order to bring down the deficit, the government would need to raise the retirement age to 69 by the year 2075. So the next time a baby is crying on your flight, it’s probably because they just found out they’re gonna have to work until they’re 69 in new China.” – Seth Meyers

“Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, “Where am I and what the hell is going on.” – Seth Meyers

“Things are so bad for Obama, today a gay teenager made a video showing him that it gets better.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama said on ’60 Minutes’ that he wants to bring back the 8 million jobs we’ve lost. Today India said ‘no.'” – Jay Leno

“Obama’s overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton met with Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for six hours at a hotel yesterday. When Hillary saw that she had a six-hour meeting at a hotel, she was like, ‘Wait, I think this is Bill’s schedule. This isn’t mine. It can’t be mine.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.” – Jay Leno

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Improving Airport Security


© Tom Toles

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A Flip-Flop by Any Other Name


© Jack Ohman

The headlines are: “McConnell Does About-Face on Earmarks” (from the conservative NRO), “McConnell Caves on Earmarks” (moderate Washington Monthly), and “McConnell blinks on earmarks” (liberal Daily Kos). At least we can all agree on something!

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he’s being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn’t had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?” – David Letterman

“The point he wants to get across is that we should go out and buy his new memoir, ‘If I Did It.’ No, that’s not it.’ – Jon Stewart

“President Bush is everywhere. He’s been on the Larry King show. He’s been on the ‘Today Show’ with Matt Lauer, he’s been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet.” – David Letterman

“He’s like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn’t particularly want. Wasn’t really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that’s something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than — ah, f*ck… it, I never liked those slippers.” – Jon Stewart

“Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she’s the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library.” – David Letterman

“Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on.” – Stephen Colbert

“Well, some good news today from President Obama. You know how he’s been trying for two years to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Well, they finally found a place to put the terrorists. They’re going to stick them on the Carnival cruise. Just let them drift.” – Jay Leno

“The Carnival Cruise liner was disabled and drifted for two days without any power, thus earning the ship the nickname ‘The Democratic Party.'” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she’s underexposed.” – David Letterman

“China is expected to overtake the U.S. as the world’s biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn’t believe it. ‘That hasn’t happened already?'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics


© Tom Tomorrow

The largest increases in “average life expectancy” are actually due to a lowering of childhood death. Old people really aren’t living that much longer than they did when Social Security was originally established. And those who do live longer are primarily in the top half of income earners. Interestingly, the tax that funds Social Security is capped, which means that the lower income earners, who aren’t living as long, are effectively paying for the longer retirement years of the upper income earners. Only in America.

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The Party of No and Nuclear Armageddon

I guess we now have a new meaning of the term “nuclear option” and just how much the Republicans are willing to sell out their own country and their own principals for partisan political gain.

The nuclear Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START) expired in December 2009. The original START was negotiated by the Reagan administration and was responsible for reducing the proliferation of nuclear weapons in the world.

In April 2010, the Obama administration negotiated a new START, which would reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the world even more. It also signaled a new era of cooperation between Russia and the US, including Russia helping put pressure on Iran to halt its nuclear program. The treaty is clearly good for America.

The new treaty has been “endorsed by six former secretaries of state and five former secretaries of defense from both parties; the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; seven former Strategic Command chiefs; national security advisers from both parties, and nearly all former commanders of U.S. nuclear forces.”

Not only that, but the treaty enjoys strong bipartisan support. A new survey from CNN shows that 73% of Americans say the new treaty should be ratified, with only 23% against it. In fact, a breakdown by political affiliation shows a majority supports the treaty, whether you are a Democrat, Republican, or Independent, or whether you consider yourself a Liberal, Moderate, or Conservative.

The Obama administration even reached out to Republicans, negotiating with Republican Senator Jon Kyl. Kyl insisted that additional money be spent to modernize our existing nuclear arsenal. The White House offered $40 billion dollars, but he said that wasn’t enough, and asked for an additional $4.1 billion more. The White House said yes, giving him everything he asked for. This is in addition to the $100 billion already allocated to upgrading our nuclear weapons.

So much for Republican claims that they want to balance the budget.

But it was all for naught. Today, Kyl announced that he would block the vote on the treaty. He didn’t even have the decency to inform the Obama administration, who learned about it from the media.

Why would Kyl play Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown? Why would he block a treaty that is so important to our national security, spitting on the legacy of Reagan? Why would he utterly destroy American credibility on the global stage, just when we are starting to regain it? And why would he pretend to negotiate with the Obama administration, and when they give him everything he asked for, then pull the rug out from under the treaty?

The only explanation anyone can come up with is the Republicans refuse to let Obama do anything that can be seen as good. Obama recently declared that ratification of the treaty was his “top priority” for the lame duck session of Congress that opened this week. But the Party of No doesn’t care about our country, about preventing our enemies from obtaining nuclear weapons, or even about our economy. All they care about is partisan advantage.

It makes me sick.

The rest of the world wonders why we put up with this. The French ambassador asks us “Have you been drinking?” To them, the notion that a legislature would hate their president more than they love their country just doesn’t seem plausible. Welcome to America.

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How many excuses can McCain make for DADT?

We seriously need to figure out if McCain simply can’t remember what he has said in the past.

UPDATE: John McCain has changed his position on every single policy issue:

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How to balance the budget – real health care reform

Recently, the NY Times published a “deficit-reduction calculator” that is fun to play with, but its options for reducing government spending and raising revenue are simply too limited.

Ezra Klein gives some links to other similar calculators, but in case you want to skip to the ending, pretty much the only way to balance the budget without raising taxes is to hold down the growth of health care costs. Especially Medicare, which pays approximately half of our country’s health care bill.

In fact, if we paid per person for health care what any (including the most expensive) country with better health care outcomes pays, then we would have no budget deficit at all, we would have a budget surplus. We spend twice as much per capita as any other advanced country, and yet we have worse health outcomes and a lower life expectancy. And it is destroying our economy.

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Modern Bipartisanship


© Jen Sorensen

Bipartisanship — like an abusive relationship.

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Invasion of the Body Scanners: why airport security will never work

I’ve been seeing a lot of frustration and anger at the new security measures going into effect in airports (especially from pilots). One issue is the new millimeter ‘backscatter’ x-ray machines. Previously, only your carryon bags were x-rayed, now they are x-raying your entire body. And since these new machines penetrate clothing, but stop at your skin, they show the TSA workers an image of you essentially naked.

If you don’t like the idea of being exposed to dangerous x-rays or being viewed naked, you can opt out, in which case you are given a thorough pat-down, including your genital areas. That goes for children too. Which would you prefer: Having your child subjected to dangerous radiation so they can be viewed naked by a stranger, or having their entire body including genitals felt up by a stranger?

But my real question is, what took everyone so long? I have never understood why people put up with airport security at all. Airport security has never made us any safer.

Airport security checkpoints were originally installed because of airplane hijackings (including quite a few to Cuba). But security never stopped a single hijacking. The main reason hijacking stopped was because we were able to get treaties signed with various countries (including Cuba) that guaranteed they would prosecute hijackers. So hijackers were arrested on landing and typically returned to the US to stand trial. Once that happened, the hijackings stopped, but curiously the checkpoints didn’t. (Interestingly, the other reason hijackings stopped was because we stopped giving so much media attention to them. Unfortunately, we haven’t yet learned the lesson that in order to cause terror, the terrorist wants publicity.)

The problem is, in order for airport security to actually work, it has to be incredibly (almost impossibly) invasive. Even with the new x-ray machines any terrorist wannabe could smuggle weapons at least as dangerous as the ones used during 9/11 onto any airplane. Are we going allow the TSA to perform full body cavity searches of everyone who is going to board a plane? Seriously?

Because the only answer to “how much privacy and rights do you have to give up in order to ensure complete safety” is “every last one of them”. And even that isn’t good enough. In maximum security prisons where people have no rights and full cavity searches are done routinely, criminals manage to smuggle in weapons and other contraband. You think you can stop it at a busy airport?

Even if we could have complete and foolproof airport security (which we cannot), it would not make us any safer. In fact, it would likely make us less safe. Consider the x-ray machines. You might argue that the danger from x-rays is low, but so is the danger from terrorists. So low, in fact, the risk of dying from the x-ray machines is likely greater than the risk from being killed by a terrorist. So at best, we are getting rid of one risk (which we actually are not, since airport security is not foolproof) and substituting an even greater risk. How stupid is that?

And finally, even if we could have completely and foolproof airport security that had absolutely no risks, we would still not be any safer. Because airplanes are not the only place where we are in danger from terrorists. In fact, some people have argued that a terrorist could easily walk into an airport carrying a bomb and detonate it near a crowded airport security checkpoint. This would cause just as much terror, and shut down our air transportation system. And airport security couldn’t stop it.

As we well know, any place where large numbers of people gather could be a potential target for a terrorist bombing. For example, 9/11 killed around 3,000 people, but football stadiums hold tens of thousands of innocent people. There are many cruise ships that hold more people than were killed on 9/11, and those often operate in international waters where they cannot be protected. Even if we made airplanes (and airports) completely terrorist proof, the terrorists aren’t going to just give up. After all, the Oklahoma City bombing was carried out on an entire building, using a bomb hidden in a parked vehicle.

So what am I saying? That we shouldn’t do anything to prevent terrorism? Of course not. Installing reinforced cockpit doors on airplanes already took away the incentive for terrorists to try to pull something like 9/11 again. Not to mention the fact that passengers are now more willing to fight back against terrorists. A group of terrorists could perhaps blow up an airplane, but it would be much more difficult for them to use the airplane like a guided missile to destroy a large building.

What I’m saying is that the money being spent on airport security would be much better spent somewhere else, like investigating terrorists so we can stop them no matter if their plans target airplanes, government buildings, water supplies, or whatever. Even Forbes magazine says that we should abolish the TSA.

Isn’t this something we can all agree on? Right now, the only group benefiting from airport security are the companies who manufacture the x-ray machines, and the only winners in the war on terror are the terrorists, who would have us quaking in our boots, except we had to take those off in order to go through security.

UPDATE: Penn Jillette strikes back, in 2002.

UPDATE2: Someone worked out the math. Assuming that the TSA installs the new machines in every airport, then your chances of dying from a fatal cancer from one of these machines is 16 times more likely than your chance of dying onboard an airplane due to a terrorist attack. And in addition, the new machines do not detect PETN, the very explosive the underwear bomber was trying to use. However, the existing puffer machines do detect PETN. So why do we need the new expensive machines?

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Final conclusions from the election

Gin and Tacos has a fantastic rant about the overwhelming mandate delivered by the American people in the recent election. Yes, other pundits have attributed lots of other meanings to the election, but I think we can all agree that they have no idea what they are talking about. Ed humbly submits the following as the true meaning:

The 2010 midterm elections were a mandate for the new GOP sorta-but-not-really majority in Washington. The American voter has clearly demanded:

1. Social Security reform that guarantees my current level of benefits, alters someone else’s, and cuts everyone’s Social Security taxes to boot.

2. A world-class national infrastructure that can be built and maintained without tax dollars.

3. A balanced budget that doesn’t sacrifice any of the government programs – especially the sacred military-industrial complex and the various old age benefits – that we like.

4. Clean air without pollution controls, clean water with a neutered and underfunded EPA, and businesses that do socially responsible things without any regulation whatsoever.

5. Consumer goods at Made in China prices that create high-paying jobs in America.

6. Giant trucks and SUVs that drive like Formula One race cars, look cool, fit into small parking spaces, cost under $18,000, and get the fuel economy of a Toyota Prius.

7. Complete freedom and complete security at the same time.

8. An America that acts like a swaggering, sociopathic asshole on the global stage yet is beloved by all the nations of the world.

9. Wars against every enemy, real or imagined, all of the time, with no U.S. casualties and no effect on the budget.

10. Incredibly rich and rewarding professional lives while supporting our employers’ right to do whatever they want to us without recourse.

11. A vibrant, consumption-based U.S. economy with good jobs for anyone willing to look for one resulting from free trade policies that encourage money and capital flows to cheap labor markets.

12. A highly educated workforce produced by a school system that requires no tax dollars to achieve excellence, students who have no interest in learning, and a virulently anti-intellectual society.

13. Closed borders and an endless supply of cheap labor to keep prices low.

14. To buy whatever we want irrespective of what we can afford while maintaining the drumbeat of personal responsibility.

15. Health care that is cheap, superior, and readily available to me without the danger of the same being enjoyed by anyone I deem undeserving.

It couldn’t be any clearer: we want a government that will resolve every problem we currently face with solutions that require no effort, no sacrifices, and no money. And I have no doubt that we have elected a group of people brave enough to promise exactly that.

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We knew it would come to this

John Shimkus, Republican Congressman from Illinois, is currently on the House Committee on Energy and Commerce, which is responsible for energy policy, environmental initiatives, and public health. But now that control of the House is being turned over to Republicans, Shimkus is trying to become chairman of the powerful committee.

What makes this ironic is that during a committee hearing in 2009 he dismissed the dangers of climate change, not because of “climategate” or any belief that climate change wasn’t real, or even that it isn’t man-made. No, Shimkus based his arguments on God’s promise to Noah after the flood in Genesis 8:21-22:

Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though all inclinations of his heart are evil from childhood and never again will I destroy all living creatures as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, will never cease.” I believe that’s the infallible word of God, and that’s the way it’s going to be for his creation.

But wait, he presents more evidence, from Matthew 24:31:

And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds from one end of the heavens to the other. The Earth will end only when God declares it’s time to be over. Man will not destroy this Earth. This Earth will not be destroyed by a Flood.” I do believe that God’s word is infallible, unchanging, perfect.

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