Political Irony

© Jen Sorensen

This isn’t really all that crazy. I watched almost the same thing happen in England in the 80’s. A friend of mine who is a brilliant computer programmer was trying to get a job in England, but he could get a higher salary working in a bank. He moved to the US, but when the same thing happens here, where will you go?

“President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it’s not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it’s fun for the kids.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, ‘Todd, get my gun.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush.” – Jay Leno

“WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you.” – Jon Stewart

“WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who’s wanted for rape in Sweden, we’ll make a note of that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation.” – Jay Leno

“The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he’s some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing ‘Burlesque.'” – Jay Leno

“Former President George W. Bush said he’s a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his ‘glowing magic window.'” – Conan O’Brien

“On his book tour George W. Bush said, ‘I was a Blackberry person, and now I’m an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.’ So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn’t care about Blackberries.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years.” – Conan O’Brien

“The annual ‘Christmas Village’ in Philadelphia has been renamed the ‘Holiday Village.’ In fact, they’re not Santa’s reindeer anymore . . . They’re now ‘nondenominational venison.'” – Jay Leno

“Anderson Cooper did a show this week from inside that half-mile long drug smuggling tunnel between San Diego and Mexico. It’s quite an amazing tunnel. It has lighting, ventilation, a rail car, a Starbucks…” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sen. John McCain said it’s time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the Carrows waitress said, ‘Sir, if you don’t order now, you’re going to miss the early bird special.'” – Jay Leno

“Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves.” – Jon Stewart

“WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan’s password is ‘BieberFan9.'” – Conan O’Brien

“WikiLeaks gets all the secret stuff, even the truth about Lady Gaga. Apparently there’s meat UNDER the dress too.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he’s looking for spare change.” – Jay Leno

“The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had.” – Jay Leno

“American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don’t even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.” – Conan O’Brien

“A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate.” – Jay Leno

“A Senator from Oklahoma says he won’t participate in his state’s holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year’s ‘Christ, It’s Cold Out Parade.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday John McCain announced, ‘We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.’ To which the waitress replied, “Sir, if you don’t order now you’ll miss the early bird special.” – Jay Leno

© Gary Varvel

A sign of the times.

“According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down.” – Conan O’Brien

“I’m sure everyone is already missing their loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean the TSA guys that give you the pat-down.” – Craig Ferguson

“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, ‘Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'” – Jay Leno

“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with ‘our North Korean allies.’ When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, ‘Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'” – Conan O’Brien

“WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.” – Jay Leno

“WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga …” – Craig Ferguson

“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks.” – Jay Leno

“The name ‘WikiLeaks’ doesn’t sounds like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don’t get in the way of Hillary’s tomahawk jab.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Black Friday shopping can get very rough. You would think his ears would protect him from flying elbows.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Monday was a big online shopping day called ‘Cyber Monday.’ Immediately followed by ‘Identity Theft Tuesday.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Obama is hoping to put salad bars in 5,000 school cafeterias. They expect as many as 3 students to use them.” – Jay Leno