Political Irony

“Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy.” – David Letterman

“Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. I understand Halliburton has a no-bid contract to do the installation on it.” – Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney may need a new heart. I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz.” – Stephen Colbert

“Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours.” – Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.” – David Letterman

“Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world’s most powerful communist — and the president of China.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Hu Jintao from China is visiting the United States. Ahead of the big state dinner, President Obama went to Hu’s hotel and slipped a menu under the door.” – David Letterman

“There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama’s daughters and asked them, ‘So what factories do you kids work at?'” – Jay Leno

“Chinese President Hu Jintao made his first official state visit to the Unites States. Vice President Joe Biden has been asked not to do his ‘Hu’s on first’ routine.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just lost in that area?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. [On screen: Sarah Palin on Fox News]” – Jon Stewart

“The debate over repealing healthcare began in the House today. The republicans have their own plan: ‘Don’t ask, don’t get sick.'” – Jay Leno

© Ruben Bolling

Our old friend Nate shows us the “right” way to fight violence.

“I want you teabaggers out there to understand one thing: while you idolize the Founding Fathers and dress up like them, and smell like them, I think it’s pretty clear that the Founding Fathers would have hated your guts. And what’s more, you would’ve hated them. They were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullsh*t.” – Bill Maher

“The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. “Reince Priebus” is also the name of a car driven by Jay Leno.” – David Letterman

“We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane, and casting the President as a foreign enemy.” – Bill Maher

“In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media’s coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase ‘blood libel,’ which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended — if I thought she knew that.” – Seth Meyers

“Whatever you do, do not compare her to the shooter, because he is a gun-loving lunatic who can’t hold a job and leaves rambling messages on the Internet.” – Bill Maher

“You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? At some point a pit bull does stop whining.” – Bill Maher

“Why are we listening to a reality TV star anyway? That’s all she is. Can I check in with Snooki and the Kate Moss Cake Boss?” – Bill Maher

“Palin has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.” – Bill Maher

“Many are asking if our political discourse has gotten too heated. And those people should go to hell!” – Stephen Colbert

“John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it’s not that he doesn’t care, just that it was sad and he’s one of those men who’s uncomfortable showing emotions in public.” – Bill Maher

“A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama’s speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he’d better be a homeless guy, begging for change.” – Bill Maher

“Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, ‘Totally worth it.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ and now prison – somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men.” – Bill Maher

[from Fred Wickham’s Bullseye Rooster]

The new Republican congress has unveiled its alternative Health Care Plan. Ersatzomine™, a new, fast-acting placebo from Pfizer. While ObamaCare has resolutley ignored free-market solutions to the nation’s health problems, Pfizer buckled down to the challenge: produce an alternative to government mandated procedures in an attractive pill form.

“For less than $750 a month, a family of four can bypass the bureaucratic U.S. economy-destroying process of hospital visits altogether,” announced Speaker of the House, John Boehner. “I have kept in close touch with the Pfizer team at their Research Center. They have devoted months and months of intense trial and error with various inactive sugars and the result is a drug that will finally meet the exacting terms of the Hippocratic Oath: First, do no harm.”

Pfizer spokesman, Dr Web Temeril says, “the amazing thing about our ‘pretty pink pill’ is that it acts as fast as you think it does. Even, in some cases, as fast as you want it to. We’re certain that seniors, and others who can’t wait forever for results, will take to it like a fly takes to brown sugar.” Questioned about the unusual ‘fly takes to brown sugar’ simile, Dr. Temeril said, “We are presently using ‘like a duck takes to water’ to promote other products and don’t wish to weaken the slogan’s franchise.

Already, illegal drug firms are manufacturing fake Ersatzomine by putting ordinary C&H sugar in gelatin capsules. But FDA Director, Dr. Felix Frueh, cautions, “While cane sugar may be an effective placebo in the short term, it has not had the benefit of rigorous testing in the Pfizer labs.”Thanks to the ready supply of raw sugar Ersatzomine promises to be a shot in the arm for Pfizer shareholders. “But we have to remember,” says Dr. Temeril, “that it’s a turbulent world, and sugar exporting nations are not all friends of the U.S.”

Boehner says no tax money will be spent to promote the plan. Instead, Pfizer will promote it on TV, magazine ads, bus posters, internet ads, radio commercials, and door-hangers using funds procured from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and their business allies throughout the world.