Political Irony

© Clay Bennett

Jon Stewart has a funny clip on the changing American position on the situation in Egypt.

“Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker.” – Jay Leno

“The theme of President Obama’s State of the Union address was ‘Win the Future.’ It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of ‘Top Chef.'” – Conan O’Brien

“He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times. I’d settle on tying the future. I don’t like to get greedy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he’s just being overly sensitive about his ears.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki’s older sister.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama gave the annual State of the Union address last night. I learn something new at these every year. Like, did you know that East Virginia isn’t a state?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own state of the union address under their breath.” – Jon Stewart

“Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote.” – Jay Leno

“Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.” – Conan O’Brien

“A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: ‘Cover-Your-Facebook.'” – Jay Leno

“The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a ‘Day of Rage.’ Or as it’s known in the Middle East, ‘Tuesday.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it ‘date night.’ How come they go on a date, but we’re the ones who get screwed.” – Jay Leno

“Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of the union, you take a drink. It helps.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama started out his State of the Union address with some happy news. Turns out he’s Oprah’s half brother.” – Jay Leno

“You know what that means? We are out of debt!” – Jay Leno

“Obama made a major announcement tonight. He’s Oprah’s half-brother. That’s why there’s been so much confusion about the birth certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we’re her half sister. That’s the plan.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of “America’s Biggest Loser,” which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama’s focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He’s promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama wants to freeze government spending for the next five years and then in year six have a huge party and blow all of it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did everyone see the president’s State of the Union speech? He said that one thing, some people clapped and others scowled … so that’s that.” – Craig Ferguson

“A Washington Post columnist is proposing a ‘Sarah-Palin-Free February,’ a whole month in which she’s not mentioned. This is stupid. Don’t pick February, the shortest month.” – Jay Leno

“A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn’t consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel’s name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that’s where you live.” – Jay Leno

“On the way to work today I drove by another homeless guy with a great voice looking for a job: Keith Olbermann.” – Jay Leno

“A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won.” – Stephen Colbert

“A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position.” – Conan O’Brien

“MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.” – Conan O’Brien

“After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers.” – Craig Ferguson

“Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.” – Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.” – Jay Leno

“Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.” – Bill Maher

“It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his.” – Bill Maher

“While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people.” – Jay Leno

“Even though President Hu was only in Chicago for two days, by the Rahm Emanuel standard, he was able to establish residency and can now run for mayor of Chicago.” – Jay Leno

“This picture of Obama with President Hu of China has people wondering if our President is dying his hair. Maybe he’s been using a little Just For Presidents.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Boehner was subject to some controversy because the President hosted President Hu of China this week, and Boehner was invited to the State Dinner and did not come. President Hu was very disappointed. He promised his friends back home that he would get a picture with ‘orange man who leaks.” – Bill Maher

“While in Washington, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with members of Congress. It was very festive as the leader of Red China met with our orange speaker of the House.” – Jay Leno

“Next week Boehner will be sitting behind Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of Old Yeller. The State of Our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.'” – Bill Maher

“Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die.” – Bill Maher

“What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. […] Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn’t like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil.” – Bill Maher

“Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin’s doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side.” – Bill Maher

“‘The National Enquirer’ says Sarah Palin’s husband Todd has been having an affair with a massage therapist who’s also been arrested for prostitution. What is it with all these massage therapists? Al Gore, Brett Favre, and now Todd Palin. When will one of these stories have a happy ending?” – Jay Leno