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Late Night Political Humor

“Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News.” – Conan O’Brien

“Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on Al Qaeda. Now, he’s saying it’s the fault of the teachers unions.” – Jay Leno

“Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.” – Conan O’Brien

“The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.” – Jay Leno

“Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs.” – Jay Leno

“The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of ‘Glee.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she’s loved India ever since she saw ‘Hoosiers.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House hosted a concert to celebrate the ‘Motown sound,’ which featured Nick Jonas. Nothing says Motown like a Jonas brother.” – Craig Ferguson

“Facebook has decided to ban a new app that sends you an e-mail when your crush becomes single. So you’ll just have to find out if they’re single the old-fashioned way: by clicking on their Facebook profile 30 or 40 times a day.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Why?


© Lee Judge

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Oiling their Palms

Back in 2008, the CEO of Shell Oil, John Hofmeister, testified in Congressional hearings that when oil and gasoline prices are high that big oil companies do not need the subsidies they get from the government. He also noted that executives of major oil companies agree.

These federal subsidies were originally designed to encourage exploration for oil, but Hofmeister says that there is more than enough incentive to drill when oil prices are above $70 a barrel, which they have been since the middle of 2007. In fact, oil is well over $100/bbl now.

Fast forward to now. Hofmeister is now retired as the CEO of Shell, but last month he repeated his statement that the big oil companies do not need these subsidies to Congressman Edward Markey (D-MA), who then introduced legislation to eliminate $5 billion a year in subsidies to major oil and gas companies.

The Republicans claim that they are trying to reduce government spending. They are more than willing to cut teacher pay, eliminate firefighters, and other drastic measures that will hurt us as a country. But when House Democrats offered a Motion to Recommit to the Republican’s short-term spending bill to end subsidies to large oil companies, the Republicans voted against it. Unanimously.

This should come as no surprise. Republicans have received three times as many campaign contribution dollars from big oil companies as do Democrats. So of course Republicans are not going to reduce the deficit by billions of dollars a year, even though the oil companies are hugely profitable and in fact admit they don’t even need these subsidies.

I guess some spending is more equal than other spending. They are more than willing to reduce the deficit on the backs of the middle class, the poor, and the elderly, but won’t spend a penny less for their friends in big multinational corporations.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies.” – Jay Leno

“In 50 years, gas-powered cars will be antiquated. You’ll only see them in museums, or in Jay Leno’s garage.” – Craig Ferguson

“Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He’s the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it.” – Craig Ferguson

“Gadhafi was rambling on military TV and no one was paying attention. Now he’s crossed the line, because that’s my thing.” – Craig Ferguson

“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Gadhafi has gone too far. That’s like an Australian bartender telling you that you’ve had too much to drink.” – Craig Ferguson

“All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, ‘Now there’s a coincidence.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a ‘don’t overthrow me’ package.” – Jay Leno

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. Prostitutes say they’re not going to take this lying down. For less than $50 bucks an hour.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C.” – Jimmy Fallon

“George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has appointed AOL founder Steve Case to the White House jobs council. Hiring the founder of AOL is expensive, but Obama got a CD-ROM in the mail that offered 100 free hours.” – Jimmy Fallon

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How stupid do you have to be to watch Fox News?

Or, more accurately, how stupid does Fox News think you are if you watch them?

Watch this short clip showing angry protestors while Bill O’Reilly talks about the outside agitators who are bussed in to the protests in Wisconsin. There’s just one problem. Last time I checked, there weren’t many palm trees in Wisconsin.

In order to further support their narrative about violent protests, a Fox News reporter has claimed that he was punched in the arm by a protestor, and that another protestor threatened to break his neck. Fortunately, a bystander had captured the entire event on video and it shows no punch or any other violence, just a light tap after the reporter swatted away a sign the protester was holding.

And the most ironic thing? The protesters were chanting “Fox News lies”. How apropos.

UPDATE: Mediaite points out that O’Reilly did say earlier in the same program that the clips they were showing were from “all over the country”. So in fact Fox News was not implying that this footage was from Wisconsin (in my own defense, I have to point out that I did not actually accuse them of lying about this — I have plausible deniability!). Although repeatedly showing footage from violent protests and having one of your reporters claim he was punched in the arm are still pretty sleazy propaganda techniques.

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Public Opinion®


© Jan Sorensen

If you think this is just a joke, see the post after this one (above).

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The Defense of Marriage Trap

Last week, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the Justice department would no longer argue in favor of Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in court.

Of course, conservatives attacked immediately. Newt Gingrich claimed that Obama had “directly violated his constitutional duties by arbitrarily suspending a law” and that “clearly it is not something that can be allowed to stand.” He also said that if a “President Sarah Palin” had taken a similar action, there would have been immediate calls for her impeachment.

Really? How about in 1982, when Reagan refused to argue in court against Bob Jones University, which was practicing racial segregation for religious reasons? Not only that, but both Bush presidents did the same thing. Did anyone call for their impeachment because of that? Did Gingrich call for their impeachment, as he appears to be doing now for Obama?

But what is really ironic about this whole thing is that it puts the Republicans in a very interesting situation. If they don’t try to defend DOMA, they risk angering their base. But if they do try to defend it, it puts them into the position of defending their own hypocrisy. After all, how hilarious is it for Newt Gingrich to pretend to defend marriage, when it is a matter of public record that he is a serial adulterer who has never taken his own marriage vows seriously? In fact, back when Gingrich was pushing the passage of DOMA in Congress, he was having an affair.

Practically every major politician involved in DOMA has since been revealed to be an adulterer. This includes the author of DOMA, Bob Barr (R-GA). Also Henry Hyde (R-IL), who pushed it through the House Judiciary Committee, and Bob Dole, then the Senate Majority Leader. In the name of bipartisan hypocrisy, I will also point out that DOMA was signed into law by President Clinton, while he was having an affair with Monica Lewinski.

I’ve often been confused by how upset religious conservatives get about gays and gay marriage. Why aren’t they equally upset about adultery? I don’t think it can be on religious grounds — after all, adultery is mentioned frequently in the Bible as a major sin. Even the Ten Freaking Commandments says “Thou shalt not commit adultery”. Homosexuality is barely mentioned in the Bible, and even when it is mentioned it is lumped in with prohibitions against such terrible things as incense, horoscopes, psychics, eating shellfish, and cheating at business (yow!).

The day I see fundamentalist Christians protesting against corrupt banks (or restaurants serving shrimp and lobster) with the same vehemence they reserve for gays is the day I’ll take their arguments seriously.

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Open Letter to the World

[reprinted from Anonymous]

We stand at a unique time in our history, the rise of the internet and computer technology have contributed to an unparalleled rate of prosperity for the First World.

We have created for ourselves and empire unlike any other, a global network of constant trade and communication, a new age of technological advancement. We have come a long way from our humble roots in the Industrial Revolution and the days of Manifest Destiny. We are now pioneers on new digital frontiers expanding our domain from the quantum world to the far reaches of space.

And yet, the empire faces a crisis, a global recession, growing poverty, rampant violence, corruption in politics, and threats to personal freedom. As it was before in other times of crisis, the old stories have begun to repeat themselves. The half truths, this time repeated nightly on cable news and echoed through a series of tubes onto the internet: the empire is strong, change is unwise, business as usual is the answer. In times of uncertainty there are those who seek to add to the confusion, to prey on our insecurities and fears. Those who would seek to keep us divided for their own gain. The pervasive strategy takes many very convincing forms: Liberals and Conservatives, Christians and Muslims, Black and White, Saved and sinner.

But something unexpected is happening. We have begun telling each other our own stories. Sharing our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our demons. Every second, day in day out, into all hours of the night the gritty details of life on this earth are streaming around the world. As we see the lives of others played out in our living rooms we are beginning to understand the consequences of our actions and the error of the old ways. We are questioning the old assumptions that we are made to consume not to create, that the world was made for our taking, that wars are inevitable, that poverty is unavoidable. As we learn more about our global community a fundamental truth has been rediscovered: We are not so different as we may seem. Every human has strengths, weaknesses, and deep emotions. We crave love, love laughter, fear being alone and dream for a better life.

You must create a better life.

You cannot sit on the couch watching television or playing video games, waiting for a revolution. You are the revolution. Every time you decide not to exercise your rights, every time you refuse to hear another view point, every time you ignore the world around you, every time you spend a dollar at a business that doesn’t pay a fair wage you are contributing to the oppression of the human body and the repression of the human mind. You have a choice, a choice to take the easy path, the familiar path, to walk willingly into your own submission. Or a choice get up, to go outside and talk to your neighbor, to come together in new forums to create lasting, meaningful change for the human race.

This is our challenge:

A peaceful revolution, a revolution of ideas, a revolution of creation. The twenty-first century enlightenment. A global movement to create a new age of tolerance and understanding, empathy and respect. An age of unfettered technological development. An age of sharing ideas and cooperation. An age of artistic and personal expression. We can choose to use new technology for radical positive change or let it be used against us. We can choose to keep the internet free, keep channels of communication open and dig new tunnels into those places where information is still guarded. Or we can let it all close in around us. As we move in to new digital worlds, we must acknowledge the need for honest information and free expression. We must fight to keep the internet open as a marketplace of ideas where all are seated as equals. We must defend our freedoms from those who would seek to control us. We must fight for those who do not yet have a voice. Keep telling your story. All must be heard.

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Only the little people pay taxes

It has been over three years since Warren Buffett pointed out that he pays a smaller percentage of his income in taxes than his employees. In fact, his receptionist payed almost twice the percentage he pays, even though he doesn’t even take advantage of tax shelters that are available to the rich.

It isn’t like the rich don’t appreciate this. Some of you may remember billionaire real estate baroness Leona Helmsley, who was prosecuted for fraud and tax evasion by then District Attorney Rudy Giuliani. During her trial, one of her maids famously quoted Helmsley as saying “We don’t pay taxes. The little people do.”

So it is somewhat fitting that a study of the Helmsley Building shows that the rich residents of that building also pay a far smaller percentage of their income than “the little people”. The residents averaged over a million dollars in income in 2007, and yet they paid less than 15% of this in federal taxes. On the other hand, the workers in that building — janitors and security guards — who earned on average a paltry $30,000 dollars a year, paid as much as a quarter of that in federal taxes. Can you even survive in New York City on $23,000 a year?

And it isn’t just rich individuals that are making out like bandits. Corporations are using tax loopholes to avoid paying any taxes at all.

For example, in 2009 Bank of America didn’t pay a single dollar in federal income taxes, while at the same time paying their top executives salaries as high as $30 million. Another bank, Citigroup, recently reported zero taxes owed for the third quarter of 2010.

And it isn’t just banks. Boeing hasn’t paid any federal taxes since 2008. Exxon-Mobil does pay taxes but somehow manages using offshore subsidiaries in the Caribbean to not pay any of them in the US. That’s right, no US taxes, even though in 2009 they passed Wal-mart in the Fortune 500 and paid their CEO over $29 million in salary. Likewise, General Electric paid no federal taxes in 2009, and neither did Wells Fargo.

So, given this situation, why was it so absolutely important to extend Bush’s tax cuts for the rich? We had those tax cuts for 10 years — did they help the economy? Did they trickle down and create new jobs? Is our economy booming like they promised us?

And now, we are being asked to believe that in order to balance our budget, we have to cut salaries for teachers and firefighters? Seriously? How stupid do they think we are?

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Border Security a Waste of Billions of Dollars

When you hear a conservative say that we have to “secure our border” before we can have immigration reform, you should ask them a few questions.

What does “secure our border” even mean? Is it even possible? Has it ever been done, anywhere? What would it take to completely secure a land border? What problems are we trying to solve, and how are we going to solve them?

If they can answer those questions (and I doubt they can), and if they are really interested in reducing our deficit, you should point out a federal report that shows that billions of dollars have been wasted on trying to secure the border. Indeed, if politicians would actually enact real immigration reform, that would have a far greater effect on securing our borders against real threats, not imaginary ones.

After all, to solve the problem of illegal immigrants, we need solutions, not meaningless sound bites like “secure our borders”.

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Losers Bracket


© Ed Stein

We seem intent on turning ourselves into a third world country.

UPDATE: I don’t want to be a teacher any more.

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Feeding the Hand that Bites You


© Matt Wuerker

This cartoon makes the point that we don’t learn from history, but I think it might even be worse than that. At least in some cases, we have encouraged these people to become dictators. Democracy can be such a messy thing.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago.” – Conan O’Brien

“Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It’s Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out.” – Craig Ferguson

“If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he’ll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn’t want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics.” – Craig Ferguson

“It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn’t get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since — kind of like Keith Olbermann.” – Jay Leno

“Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of ‘hallucination pills.’ In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.” – Conan O’Brien

“Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, ‘Deal.'” – Jay Leno

“In honor of the revolution a couple in Egypt have named their newborn daughter Facebook. Hope they don’t start ignoring their son MySpace. It’s going to cause a lot of problems when that girl turns 16 and all the boys want to be on Facebook.” – Jay Leno

“In order to acknowledge gay members, Facebook added two new relationship options: ‘In a civil union’ and ‘In a domestic partnership.’ Then, to make sure they didn’t miss anyone, they added ‘One time in college.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A year ago Michelle Obama started her campaign to end childhood obesity called ‘Let’s Move.’ I think Americans have been very clear in their answer: ‘No.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn’t following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn’t that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rush shouldn’t talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need.” – Jay Leno

“The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers.” – Jay Leno

“The National Geographic channel has a new show that gives an inside look at the Secret Service. That’s right, it’s called ‘Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service.'” – Jimmy Fallon

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What’s really going on in Wisconsin

The Republicans will tell you it is about balancing the budget, but the real reasons the GOP is launching a full attack on unions is more about politics than it is about policy.

As Howard Fineman points out:

Last fall, GOP operatives hoped and expected to take away as many as 20 governorships from the Democrats. They ended up nabbing 12.

What happened? Well, according to postgame analysis by GOP strategists and Gov. Haley Barbour of Mississippi — who chaired the Republican Governors Association in 2010 — the power and money of public-employee unions was the reason.

The Republicans realized that the easiest way to gain more political power would be to find some way to neutralize the power of the unions.

The GOP strategic aim is simple enough. If they can abolish union collective-bargaining rights, they can undermine the automatic payment of dues to the public-employee union treasuries. Shrinking those treasuries and reducing the union structure and membership will make it harder for Democrats and their allies to communicate directly with workers.

And under the infamous Citizens United Supreme Court decision, unions — like corporations — are free to spend as much as they want directly advocating for a candidate. That makes the math even more urgent as the 2012 election season approaches.

Personally, I’d rather see the Citizens United decision reversed, and take away the ability for both corporations and unions to spend unlimited amounts of money on elections.

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Reverse Political Psychology


© Matt Bors

The Right Wing attacks the First Lady. I guess turnabout is fair play.

Especially ironic is Sarah Palin — who attacked Michelle Obama for encouraging breastfeeding — but when she was governor of Alaska introduced a breastfeeding awareness month.

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