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Late Night Political Humor

“Happy Presidents Day. This is a day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn’t we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait.” – Craig Ferguson

“It’s not fun to be president. Half the country hates you and the other half is disappointed in you. I know exactly what that’s like.” – Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people have Presidents Day off, especially people who work for the government, like postal workers — and investment bankers.” – Craig Ferguson

“Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it’s being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he’ll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi.” – David Letterman

“In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It’ll be like a Janet Jackson video.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yemen’s president says that despite protests, he won’t leave office. His exact words were, ‘The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'” – Conan O’Brien

“They’re calling the Middle East uprisings the ‘Jasmine Revolution.’ Historians say it’s the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a real threat to tyrants who have used brutal tactics to seize power. The one who should really be worried is Leno.” – David Letterman

“If Gov. Scott Walker is driven out of power in Wisconsin, there will be a power vacuum that may be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood.” – David Letterman

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” – Conan O’Brien

“They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.” – David Letterman

“President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square.” – Craig Ferguson

“Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, “And it turns out those pills are just a scam.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s.” – Conan O’Brien

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Dictatorial Master?


© Clay Bennett

Actually, it seems like they own us outside of work as well.

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Reshuffling Jobs on the Titanic

Don’t get me wrong — I love non-partisan fact checking sites like PolitiFact and FactCheck (even when I don’t entirely agree with their findings). But PolitiFact hit one of my hot buttons the other day when they perpetuated what I think is one of the biggest propaganda bamboozles of modern times.

The story that hit my hot button was PolitiFact checking a statement made by Donna Brazile, saying that the governor of Wisconsin had “proposed tax giveaways to corporations”. They found that governor Walker had not just proposed tax cuts for corporations, but had already signed bills that actually cut taxes for corporations. For example,

Walker signed a law on Jan. 31 that says that companies that relocate to Wisconsin will not have to pay corporate taxes for two years.

In other words, if anything her statement was conservative and truthful. And yet, they didn’t rate her statement as fully “True”. Why?

It’s debatable whether these could fairly be considered “giveaways,” since they are intended to reward companies for creating jobs.

Ever since the days of “trickle down” (“voodoo”) economics, I’m suspicious of politicians who use the jobs excuse as the reason for the most outrageous boondoggles, but this example is particularly annoying to me.

Relocating a company from one place to another does not “create” jobs — at best it simply rearranges them. And at worst, it weakens the local tax base, causing reduced funding for libraries, roads, job training, and other programs, resulting in an area that is less likely to create new small local businesses. And it is small businesses that create the majority of jobs (even PolitiFact agrees with that).

And yet, state and local governments are falling all over each other to hand out huge tax breaks for corporations in the name of jobs. If that isn’t a giveaway, I don’t know what is.

You can’t blame corporations for going after these big tax breaks. Walmart alone has received more than a billion dollars from cash strapped local governments, including “free or reduced-price land, infrastructure assistance, tax increment financing (TIF), property tax abatements or discounts, state corporate income tax credits, sales tax rebates, enterprise zone tax breaks, job training funds and low-interest tax-exempt loans”. What makes this worse is that these subsidies are not actually necessary. A study in 2004 found that even in cases where Wal-mart had sought subsidies and didn’t receive them, they still built new stores.

So local governments give tax breaks to corporations that are not even necessary, using the excuse that they create jobs, which they don’t. Again, if that isn’t a giveaway, I don’t know what is. And then the politicians claim they have to cut back teacher salaries and other programs that actually do help our economy. I can’t understand why people put up with this crap.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They’re all in Farmville.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama had dinner with some of the top tech executives: the CEO of Facebook, the CEO of Apple, the CEO of Oracle, and their waiter, the CEO of MySpace.” – Jay Leno

“In the Mideast Muslims are getting in fights with their former supporters. The Shiites are hitting their fans.” – Jay Leno

“All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It’s amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.” – Bill Maher

“New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It’s not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That’s just a common fantasy of Republican men.” – Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Bill said, ‘I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The other day on ‘Live With Regis and Kelly,’ First Lady Michelle Obama said she was expecting jewelry on Valentine’s Day. Of course, she said, ‘You can’t go wrong with jewelry.’ Lindsay Lohan said, ‘Oh, yeah, you can.'” – Jay Leno

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Rachael Maddow Explains What is Going on in Wisconsin

This is the clearest explanation I’ve heard of what is really going on in Wisconsin. Republicans are using budget shortfalls for political gain.

UPDATE: It is always difficult to sort out the truth from the political fiction in cases like this, but a good starting point is the PolitiFact Wisconsin website.

UPDATE 2: The governor of Wisconsin received a prank call today from a blogger who pretended to be conservative billionaire David Koch — a major contributor to governor Walker’s campaign. If the caller had actually been David Koch, then the strategy discussions they had would likely be illegal.

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Are we ready for Democracy?


© Ed Stein

Egypt now has a smaller gap between the rich and the poor than we do. Only in America could the powers-that-be co-opt a popular uprising like this.

Tea Partiers, by and large, are richer, whiter and older than the general population, and hardly represent the downtrodden and the disposessed. If anything, they seem to be an extension of the angry white male phenomenon of a few decades ago, more worried about losing their place in a rapidly changing culture.


© Ted Rall

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Buying Justice

As they say, steal a loaf of bread and you will go to jail, steal millions of dollars and you go free. Or in this case, billions.

Federal prosecutors have dropped the charges against Angelo Mozilo, the former CEO of Countrywide Financial. Mozilo was one of the highest paid executives in the country — between 2000 and 2008 he was paid more than half a billion dollars in compensation.

Mozilo was accused of insider trading when he sold $140 million in Countrywide stock even though he knew the company was failing — defrauding millions of shareholders. He settled that charge for $67.5 million (almost certainly less than the money he made selling his shares). Just to add a bit more of irony, $45 million of the settlement was paid by Countrywide (and by Bank of America, who purchased Countrywide in 2008) further costing the shareholders money.

Other than being allowed to keep most of his ill-gotten gains, Mozilo was punished by being banned from being an officer or director of a public company. I find even that ironic, since it implies that they have to ban him or else some company would want hire him as an officer or a director.

At one time, Countrywide Financial was the largest home mortgage lender in the country. Hundreds of billions of dollars were lost by investors, and millions of borrowers lost their homes. There were emails from Mozilo discussing his company’s lending practices and describing some of its loans as “toxic” and “poison”. But they kept selling those loans. A former Countrywide executive sent an email to a friend explaining that he had not recognized the looming financial meltdown because “we were having too much fun” processing risky mortgage instruments “and getting loaded on Miller Lite.” Seriously.

Countrywide had a special program called “Friends of Angelo” that gave mortage loans to politicians that Mozilo liked, at severely reduced rates. Countrywide also had a large political action committee (PAC) that made large contributions to political campaigns.

And now, Mozilo goes free.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, ‘Now you tell me.'” – Jay Leno

“The military is now running Egypt. Well, that never goes wrong, does it?” – David Letterman

“Now that Hosni Mubarak is out of office, they’re saying he’s an old tyrant, decrepit, and out of touch. Oh wait, that’s me.” – David Letterman

“President Obama was in San Francisco today, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The President hopes that, based on the success of programs like Farmville, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed cutting funding for President Obama’s teleprompter. Oh man, when Obama finds out he’s going to be speechless.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on ‘Jeopardy.’ This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jay Leno

“Borders Books has filed for bankruptcy and will close all 200 of its superstores. When Sarah Palin heard that she went, ‘Finally, we’re closing the borders.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran.” – Jay Leno

“Kim Jong Il just turned 70 years old — but he doesn’t look a day over crazy.” – Craig Ferguson

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TSA full body fail

Back in November, we quoted Bruce Schneier who claimed that the new TSA full body scanners won’t catch anybody. This is significant, because if we are going to unconditionally surrender our right to privacy, expose ourselves to dangerous X-rays, and pretty much roll over, it would be nice if we were doing all that so that we could actually be just a tiny bit safer.

The bad news is that an undercover TSA agent was able to pass through security at Dallas/Ft Worth airport in Texas, not once but multiple times, carrying a handgun. In fact, the agent was able to get through security every single time she tried. That’s 100% failure.

Do you feel any safer now? Or just another example of the public interest being stepped on by the revolving door between government and business, which allows crap like Michael Chertoff profiting from decisions he made while serving as the head of Homeland Security?

UPDATE: An Alaska State Representative refuses to submit to a TSA grope. We need more people willing to take a stand like this.

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It’s about Power, Stupid!

Paul Krugman has some interesting comments about what’s going on in Wisconsin:

In principle, every American citizen has an equal say in our political process. In practice, of course, some of us are more equal than others. Billionaires can field armies of lobbyists; they can finance think tanks that put the desired spin on policy issues; they can funnel cash to politicians with sympathetic views (as the Koch brothers did in the case of Mr. Walker). On paper, we’re a one-person-one-vote nation; in reality, we’re more than a bit of an oligarchy, in which a handful of wealthy people dominate.

Given this reality, it’s important to have institutions that can act as counterweights to the power of big money. And unions are among the most important of these institutions.

You don’t have to love unions, you don’t have to believe that their policy positions are always right, to recognize that they’re among the few influential players in our political system representing the interests of middle- and working-class Americans, as opposed to the wealthy. Indeed, if America has become more oligarchic and less democratic over the last 30 years — which it has — that’s to an important extent due to the decline of private-sector unions.

And now Mr. Walker and his backers are trying to get rid of public-sector unions, too.

There’s a bitter irony here. The fiscal crisis in Wisconsin, as in other states, was largely caused by the increasing power of America’s oligarchy. After all, it was superwealthy players, not the general public, who pushed for financial deregulation and thereby set the stage for the economic crisis of 2008-9, a crisis whose aftermath is the main reason for the current budget crunch. And now the political right is trying to exploit that very crisis, using it to remove one of the few remaining checks on oligarchic influence.

So will the attack on unions succeed? I don’t know. But anyone who cares about retaining government of the people by the people should hope that it doesn’t.

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Fair and Balanced

[From Rockett Power.]

UPDATE: This is the kind of thing that happens when you take away a women’s right to make basic medical decisions about her own body.

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What the Anti-Christ, End-times, Egypt, and Wisconsin Protests Have in Common

This completely blows my mind. Maybe you don’t have to be completely insane to watch Glenn Beck, but it doesn’t hurt.

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You don’t have to try hard to make some Republicans look kooky

A majority of Republicans are not convinced that Obama was born in the United States. In fact, only 28% of Republican voters admit that Obama was born in the US, with 51% saying that he was not, and 21% unsure. Where in the world did they get that crazy idea?

But what is really hilarious is that Bush’s Brain (Karl Rove) has a new conspiracy theory that the birther movement is a trap set by the Obama administration to distract people from the real issues and make Republicans look kooky.

Of course, when asked, Michelle Bachmann said “we should take the president at his word” on where he was born, but she would not definitely state that he was born in the US. And Speaker of the House John Boehner made similar remarks, saying “It’s not my job to tell the American people what to think”. I guess the Republican leadership is not ready to jettison the kooks in their base.

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Bought and Paid for News

On Friday, I posted an article about how powerful organizations manipulate public opinion by inundating social media sites with fake people. But why stop at social media sites? Why not just make up stories and get them printed as news?

Which naturally brings us to Fox News. On Saturday, they posted a story about the protests in Wisconsin, with the headline “Doctors at Wisconsin Protest Signing Fake Sick Notes“. Because it is illegal for teachers to strike, they called in sick and have to produce a doctor’s excuse. In the video, they interview Christian Hartsock, who claims that he got a doctor’s note.

So would you be surprised that the people who created this video were also involved in making the videos smearing ACORN and the New Jersey teachers. In fact, the guy they “interview”, Christian Hartsock, works for Andrew Breitbart.

So, the same people who produced false and misleading videos in the past, are now doing fake interviews. Why report on news when you can just make up stories that fit your agenda? And have Fox News run them without bothering to verify them, just like they did when they smeared ACORN?

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Late Night Political Humor

“On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, ‘Deal!’ So he fled.” – Jay Leno

“Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he’s really hard to evict.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn’t understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland.” – David Letterman

“President Obama delivered his 2012 budget to Congress yesterday, but it probably won’t get much action, since they still haven’t yet passed a budget for 2011. But to be fair, they have been busy posting shirtless photos of themselves on Craigslist.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said that he’s not a fan of George W. Bush because he ‘gave us Obama.’ When he heard this, Bush was like, ‘Oh my gosh. I’m Obama’s dad?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“First lady Michelle Obama told ‘Regis & Kelly’ she was expecting jewelry on Valentine’s Day. She said it wouldn’t be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he’s spending his own money.” – Jay Leno

“Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, “What? I’m looking at the baby.” – Conan O’Brien

“The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it’s 2011. People still read newspapers?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen.” – Jay Leno

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