Political Irony

“Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is a man who cheated on his first wife and left her while she was in bed with cancer. Then he cheated on his second wife with his current, third wife. I don’t think actual newts are this slimy.” – Bill Maher

“In a new interview, Newt Ginrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, ‘Please rise for the pledge of allegiance.'” – Conan O’Brien

“But, he didn’t ever have to go away. And now he’s going to run for president and lecture gays about the sanctity of marriage. I can’t even wrap my head around this. There are three women in America who agreed to fuck Newt Gingrich?!” – Bill Maher

© Tony Auth

“I’m upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I’m no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we’re talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker.” – Conan O’Brien

“Julianne Moore is going to play Sarah Palin in a new HBO movie. Julianne said, ‘But I know nothing about politics,’ and the producers said, ‘Perfect!'” – Craig Ferguson

“The President and First Lady attended a parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn’t look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden’s being held back a grade.” – Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor.” – Conan O’Brien

“In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.” – Craig Ferguson

“In New Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If only you could have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag.” – Stephen Colbert

“A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today the Italian Prime Minister underwent 4 hours of dental surgery. It was his second-longest oral procedure of the day.” –Conan O’Brien

“In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, journalism is an old-time occupation like boot blacking or alchemy.” – Stephen Colbert

“Welcome back to the part of the program I’m legally obligated to devote to Charlie Sheen, our new National Pastime.” – Stephen Colbert

“This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: ‘You’re not going to believe what’s happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen says he’s going to go to Haiti: ‘I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'” – Conan O’Brien

Presenting, Reagan OS 911

“The Libyan rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn’t sound like the America I know.” – Bill Maher

“I don’t think Khadafi gets it, because half the country is in rebel hands, his military is defecting and he’s being tried at the International Criminal Court. Somebody asked him today what he’s doing. He said, ‘Duh, winning!'” – Bill Maher

“The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: ‘Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.” – Jay Leno

“Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, ‘We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?'” – Jay Leno

“Obviously, Charlie is saying crazy stuff. It’s the fact that he’s so confident in what he’s saying. It reminds me of George Bush.” – Bill Maher

“One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, ‘I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.’ So yes, it’s childish. It’s needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it’s not stupid anymore. We just found out that the “Sarah Palin” who writes Sarah Palin’s Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It’s like Inception for hillbillies. There’s also a rumor that she doesn’t really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn’t know she’s Superman” – Bill Maher

“Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“Wisconsin Republicans are accusing the missing Democrats of secretly sneaking back into the state to visit their wives. A politician sneaking into his own house to have sex with his own wife.” – Jay Leno

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sold his 1977 Peugeot 504 for 2.5 million at an auction. It even came with the phone books he has to sit on to drive it.” – Jay Leno

“Gov. Scott Walker’s dispute with Wisconsin’s labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he’s attacking his own people. That’s not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi.” – Jay Leno

“Protests continue in Libya. It was reported that most of the protests are being organized on a dating website, which explains why half the protest signs say ‘No Gadhafi’ and the other half say ‘No fatties.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do.” – Jay Leno

“The president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country’s biggest importer of Mexican goods: Charlie Sheen.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control.” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen said that he’s now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya.” – Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has turned down an offer to appear on ’30 Rock.’ He’s too busy mulling over an offer to star in ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let’s make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they’re upfront about screwing you.” – Jay Leno

“A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud.” – Jay Leno

“Jessica Simpson’s various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica Simpson has a better business plan than he does?” – Jay Leno

“According to a new study, the average man in Britain will spend 10,000 hours in a bar and 11 years in front of the TV. In this country we know how to multitask. We drink our beer in front of the TV.” – Jay Leno

“I love tax season. My accountant says that I can save a lot of money if I declare my show a church.” – David Letterman

“The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.” – Conan O’Brien

“Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one.” – Conan O’Brien

“The U.N. is imposing a no-fly zone over Libya. Forget Libya, how about a no-fly zone over the Hello Deli?” – David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went.” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie’s two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Charlie Sheen created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called ‘The Wal-Mart of Weed.’ It’s like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, “Dude, have you seen Greg?” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy Independence Day to Texas. For 9 years, Texas was its own country. I think Texans still consider themselves another country.” – Craig Ferguson

“A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It’s so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes.” – Jimmy Fallon