Political Irony

“The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses.” – Craig Ferguson

“The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that Uncle Sam isn’t going to let banks screw people over.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, ‘Be sure to watch ‘Celebrity Apprentice.”” – Craig Ferguson

“Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One’s full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I’m talking to you, Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson

“Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone’s home. He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where’s he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That’s for pith, not for anything else. So now ‘going postal’ means a whole new thing, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew ‘The Apprentice.’ So some good may come out of this.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, ‘Ah, so he is a Muslim.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, ‘Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'” – Conan O’Brien

“To celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.” – Conan O’Brien

“The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.'” – Craig Ferguson

© Tom Tomorrow

It does seem perfectly straightforward, doesn’t it? If high deficits are really going to ruin our country and its economy, then it seems obvious that every rich person should be for raising their taxes.

“President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country’s richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.'” – David Letterman

“Political experts are saying NBC should take ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says ‘leader of the free world’ like someone who can’t stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: ‘Vote for me, I’m not Trump.'” – Craig Ferguson

“A huge Air France Airbus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama’s speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller.” – Jay Leno

“Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama’s speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.” – Jay Leno

“If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she’ll be giving them away.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“‘Hustler’ publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien

“Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome.” – Craig Ferguson

“Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb.” – David Letterman

“They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There’s nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator.” – David Letterman

“A meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has been canceled. No word yet on how this will affect the meeting between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as ‘not African-Americans.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you’re a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen.” – Jay Leno