Political Irony

“Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, ‘Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squirmish, what is it?’ Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk.” – Jimmy Kimmel

[oh come on, everyone knows a squirmish is a squeamish skirmish! -IK]

“Newt Gingrich said he’s afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we’re screwed.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news.” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, ‘Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bill Clinton is writing the introduction to a novel by a former college roommate. He says, “Thanks for always respecting the sock on the doorknob, bro.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? “No, I Wasn’t Born There.” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don’t care.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire.” – David Letterman

“Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a ‘kinetic military action,’ which sounds better than ‘potentially endless quagmire.'” – Jay Leno

“About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say.” – David Letterman

“Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn’t consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can’t imagine why he didn’t consult them.” – Jay Leno

“Obama was in South America and when he came back to the White House, he was locked out of the Oval Office. That’s like the eight years of the Bush administration.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump called George W. Bush ‘the worst president in the history of the United States.’ Then he added, ‘Until, of course, I’m elected.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason.” – Jimmy Fallon

“General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation.” – Conan O’Brien

“I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn’t realize is that those people are assholes.” – Jon Stewart

“The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she’s going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?” – Bill Maher

“Michele Bachmann says she will launch her Presidential campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high school diploma.” – Jay Leno

“If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that’s two bimbos. And then there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got ‘Gilligan’s Island.'” – Bill Maher

“A new poll shows that one of the major parties in this country – I won’t tell you which one – is a majority birther party. That’s right, more than half of Republicans now think Obama was born in Kenya. They literally do not know where babies come from.” – Bill Maher

“Moammar Gadhafi says of the no-fly zone, ‘In the short term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them.’ Which is Libyan for ‘Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning.'” – Jay Leno

“For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, ‘reckless.'” – Bill Maher

“It’s so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who’s doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife.” – Bill Maher

“You got your fuckin’ bombs! What more do you need?!” – Jon Stewart

“There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He’s become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama came back from South America and couldn’t get into the White House. The door was locked. So he called Chris Brown on his cell phone to find the best way to break a window.” – Jay Leno

“General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now.” – Jay Leno

“According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic.” – Jay Leno

“The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that.” – Jay Leno

“Seventeen days after Newt Gingrich insisted President Obama should establish a no-fly zone over Libya, he’s complaining that Obama established a no-fly zone over Libya. It’s the same as Newt’s policy on adultery. He can’t make up his mind.” – Jay Leno

“House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it’s only Iraq where you don’t have to do that.” – Jay Leno

“For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress.” – Jay Leno

“Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There’s a very good case against impeachment. It’s called ‘Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said ‘Holy cow, is it 2012 already?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Two passenger planes landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller. Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice.” – Jay Leno

“A study found Equador, Venezuela and Colombia have the most well-endowed men in the world. The study was conducted by TSA screeners at JFK’s International Terminal.” – Jimmy Fallon