Political Irony

Last week Trump was ahead, now they are saying he’s neck-and-neck with Huckabee. But they might have their terms ass backwards.

“Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama’s American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.” – Conan O’Brien

“It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan ‘a con man who couldn’t deliver the goods.’ Trump also called Abraham Lincoln ‘a bearded moron who couldn’t even sit through an hour of theater.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels look forward to starting an offensive with Super Soakers and T-shirt canons.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said he’d release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said if President Obama releases his birth certificate, he will release his tax returns. The President said, ‘Well, I promise not to run for a second term if you release that thing on your head.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn’t want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Well, not anymore.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Gary Busey said on the ‘Today Show’ yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.” –Conan O’Brien

“Trump accused George Stephanopoulos of being co-opted by Obama’s minions. Anyone who knows Stephanopoulos knows he’s minion-proof –- and lactose intolerant.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s Bar Mitzvah certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion.” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there’s something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn’t get to sleep.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses.” – Craig Ferguson

“The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that Uncle Sam isn’t going to let banks screw people over.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, ‘Be sure to watch ‘Celebrity Apprentice.”” – Craig Ferguson

“Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One’s full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I’m talking to you, Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson

“Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone’s home. He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where’s he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That’s for pith, not for anything else. So now ‘going postal’ means a whole new thing, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew ‘The Apprentice.’ So some good may come out of this.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, ‘Ah, so he is a Muslim.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, ‘Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'” – Conan O’Brien

“To celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.” – Conan O’Brien

“The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.'” – Craig Ferguson