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The Social Safety Levee


© Ed Stein

The game of chicken over raising the debt limit continues, with Republicans (and some Democrats) vowing that any vote for it will have to be accompanied by deep budget cuts, and tax increases of any kind will not be considered. If Republicans have their way, there’s only one possible outcome. The social safety net, already badly frayed by the deep recession, will have to be trimmed even further. There’s simply no way to make the deep cuts the GOP is demanding without attacking Medicare and Medicaid, health care programs for the elderly and the poor. Much of the pain could be alleviated, of course, by repealing the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy, but Republicans will not hear of it. They stubbornly cling to the fiction that any tax increases (even repealing the oil depletion allowance for oil companies swimming in record profits) will deepen the recession and cost jobs. The inescapable truth, though, is that the most vulnerable among us are being asked to underwrite the increasing income inequality in America, which is already at the shameful levels seen in the Third World. This is all neatly packaged as absolutely necessary deficit reduction, but if the Grand Old Party was really serious it might ask those who can afford it the most to share a little of the pain.

My only question is, are the Republicans deliberately trying to destroy this country?

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Late Night Political Humor

“The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden’s compound. It’s probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: ‘Debby Does Abbottabad,’ ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Bare Ankles 4,’ and ‘2 Humps, 1 Camel.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New rule: you can’t rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out 9/11 wasn’t bin Laden’s only masterstroke. Among the titles found in his compound were ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Radical Jizzlam,’ ‘Barely Visible,’ ’72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy, and, of course, ‘Yentl.'” – Bill Maher

“Iran’s intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That’s like Pakistan having a truth minister.” – Jay Leno

“They have found Osama bin Laden’s diary. Some entries: ‘Very unhappy with TV reception. Death to Time-Warner.’ ‘Three wives, one bathroom, you do the math.’ The final entry: ‘Dear Diary, can’t talk now. Someone’s at the door. Hope it’s the Domino’s guy.'” – David Letterman

“Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, ‘Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can’t stop doing it.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich made it official: he’s in. Not in the presidential race — in a trivia book called ‘Whatever Happened to Last Century’s Biggest Assholes?'” – Bill Maher

“They say the key to Newt Gingrich’s campaign is going to be his third wife, Callista, who used to be the mistress. For six years while he was married to his second wife, she would blow him in the car. The theme of their campaign: values. I’m not kidding. Values, also floor mats and wet wipes.” – Bill Maher

“Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he’ll give a five-minute rebuttal.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama campaign just moved into a 50,000 square foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul’s campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, ‘It can’t be that bad.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. The right-wing feigned outrage machine is apoplectic that the rapper Common was invited to an evening poetry, or as they call it, black-on-black rhyme. Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, ‘Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,’ and that’s why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music.” – Bill Maher

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Why gasoline prices are so high

You do the math. Speculating in the price of oil is one of the main reasons gas prices are so high. And here’s Republican House Whip Eric Cantor promising speculators that he will fight any financial regulations on them:

Of course, it makes sense, since high energy prices are one of the main things hurting the economy and job growth right now, and Republicans will have better electoral chances to defeat Obama and the Dems if the economy sucks.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, ‘Oh, great. NOW what’s Oprah going to do for her last guest?'” – David Letterman

“The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden’s compound, including a diary. I didn’t know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven’t read the diary yet because they can’t find the little key to open it up.” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that’s very sweet, isn’t it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of ‘Mamma Mia.’ He briefly considered joining the cast of ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Isn’t it odd how history’s greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer.” – Craig Ferguson

“Pakistan’s Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he’d been having an affair for 5 years … with Osama bin Laden.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he’s improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, ‘That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you … like MySpace or Friendster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno

“According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, ‘Yeah, that’s why I’m always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is “Let’s Just See What Would Happen.” – Conan O’Brien

“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year — 1996.” – David Letterman

“An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I’ve heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind.” – Jay Leno

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Arm the Senate!

If I have any overall political philosophy, it is that I am against rampant no-compromise ideology and for pragmatism. For example, I am strongly in favor of protecting second amendment gun rights, but at the same time I am for common sense restrictions on gun ownership and use. Let me make an analogy — I am in strongly in favor of free speech rights, but I have no problem with laws that make libel and slander illegal, or laws that prohibit yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater, even though those laws clearly violate people’s right to free speech.

Why can’t some gun advocates figure this out? Why do they scream that any law that restricts the absolute right to own and carry weapons is unconstitutional?

So I really enjoyed this column by E.J. Dionne, which points out the hypocrisy of some politicians:

WASHINGTON — Isn’t it time to dismantle the metal detectors, send the guards at the doors away, and allow Americans to exercise their Second Amendment rights by being free to carry their firearms into the nation’s Capitol building?

I’ve been studying the deep thoughts of senators who regularly express their undying loyalty to the National Rifle Association and have decided that they should practice what they preach. They tell us that the best defense against crime is an armed citizenry and that laws restricting guns do nothing to stop violence.

If they believe that, why don’t they live by it?

Why would freedom-loving lawmakers want to hide behind guards and metal detectors? Shouldn’t NRA members be outraged that Second Amendment rights mean nothing in the very seat of our democracy?

Congress seems to think that gun restrictions are for wimps. It voted earlier this year to allow people to bring their weapons into national parks, and pro-gun legislators have pushed for the right to carry in taverns, colleges and workplaces. Shouldn’t Congress set an example in its own workplace?

So why not let Sen. John Thune, R-S.D., pack the weapon of his choice on the Senate floor? Thune is the author of an amendment that would have allowed gun owners who had valid permits to carry concealed weapons into any state, even states with more restrictive gun laws. The amendment got 58 votes last week, two short of the 60 it needed to pass.

Judging by what Thune said in defense of his amendment, he’d clearly feel safer if everyone in the Capitol could carry a gun.

“Law-abiding individuals have the right to self-defense, especially because the Supreme Court has consistently found that police have no constitutional obligation to protect individuals from other individuals,” he said. I guess Thune doesn’t think those guards and the Capitol Police have any obligation to protect him.

He went on: “The benefits of conceal and carry extend to more than just the individuals who actually carry the firearms. Since criminals are unable to tell who is and who is not carrying a firearm just by looking at a potential victim, they are less likely to commit a crime when they fear they may come in direct contact with an individual who is armed.”

In other words, keeping guns out of the Capitol makes all our elected officials far less safe. If just a few senators had weapons, the criminals wouldn’t know which ones were armed, and all senators would be safer, right? Isn’t that better than highly intrusive gun control — i.e., keeping people with guns out of the Capitol in the first place?

“Additionally,” Thune said helpfully, “research shows that when unrestricted conceal and carry laws are passed, not only does it benefit those who are armed, but it also benefits others around them such as children.”

This is a fantastic opportunity. Arming all our legislators would make it safer for children, so senators could feel much more secure bringing their kids into the Capitol. This would promote family values and might even reduce the number of highly publicized extramarital affairs.

During the debate, Sen. David Vitter, R-La., quoted a constituent who told him: “When my family and I go out at night, it makes me feel safer just knowing I am able to have my concealed weapon.”

Why shouldn’t Vitter feel equally safe in the Capitol? Why should he have to go out on the streets to carry a gun?

The pro-gun folks love their studies. Sen. John Barrasso, R-Wyo., offered this one: “A study for the Department of Justice found 40 percent of felons had not committed certain crimes because they feared the potential victims would be armed.”

That doesn’t tell us much about the other 60 percent, but what the heck? If it’s good enough for Barrasso, let the good senator introduce the amendment to allow concealed carry in the Capitol.

Barrasso already dislikes the District of Columbia’s tough restrictions on weapons. “The gun laws in the district outlaw law-abiding citizens from self-defense,” he complained. So go for it, senator! Make our nation’s Capitol building an island of firearms liberty in a sea of oppression.

Don’t think this column is offered lightly. I want these guys to put up or shut up. If the NRA’s servants in Congress don’t take their arguments seriously enough to apply them to their own lives, maybe the rest of us should do more to stop them from imposing their nonsense on our country.

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Fables for Our Time


© Tom Tomorrow

Sometimes fairy tales do come true. I can’t think of any reason why this one shouldn’t.

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Republicans: Resistance is Futile

In the last few days, a few Republican presidential candidates have broken with party orthodoxy in order to state what would seem to be obvious truths.

For example, in an interview with Time magazine, Jon Huntsman said:

I’m not a meteorologist. All I know is 90 percent of the scientists say climate change is occurring. If 90 percent of the oncological community said something was causing cancer we’d listen to them.

Then former House Speaker Newt Gingrich stunned Republicans by daring to attack the current Republican budget proposal, which dismantles Medicare in favor of a voucher system. On “Meet the Press” Gingrich said “I don’t think right-wing social engineering is any more desirable than left-wing social engineering.” Gingrich also called it “radical change” and “too big a jump”.

When these two statements came out, I was initially pleased. It was the first time in years I had seen any Republicans attempt to break away from the hive mind. Republicans had tied themselves so tightly to their more radical elements that there wasn’t any chance of them appealing to enough moderates to win a presidential election. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that Republicans pledged to absolutely protect Medicare, which is a very popular program with older Americans, who make up a significant portion of Republican voters. It is hard to imagine any Republican candidate having any chance of being elected president if they want to radically change the Medicare system they promised to preserve.

Unfortunately, my initial pleasure was misplaced. The voices of Republican orthodoxy struck back quickly and fiercely. American Spectator accused Huntsman of falling for the man-made climate change scam. Jonathan Tobin said “If Huntsman is serious about wanting to be the GOP nominee, he is going to have to start thinking and talking like a conservative.” I guess if you believe in science, you can’t be a conservative.

The reaction to Gingrich was even more severe, with multiple Republicans claiming that he has killed his chances for the Republican nomination before he even started campaigning. As the conservative drones piled on the attacks, not a single prominent Republican dared defend Gingrich’s comments. And Gingrich himself responded by backpedaling furiously, issuing a personal apology to House Budget Committee Chair Paul Ryan and telling Fox News “I made a mistake”.

But what makes this ironic is that by making Ryan’s budget plan and Medicare overhaul “the ultimate conservative litmus test” the real winner is Obama.

UPDATE: More about the deep hole that Gingrich has dug for himself.

UPDATE 2: The Daily Show sums it up hilariously:

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Late Night Political Humor

“Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every 6 months we’d have a different First Lady. Newt’s slogan is, ‘At least I’m not Trump.'” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced that he’s running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.” – Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know if you’ve ever tasted Godfather’s Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius.” – Stephen Colbert (on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain)

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold’s friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver may be divorcing. Evidently Arnold was seeing Jane Goodall.” – David Letterman

“After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, ‘I’ll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we’re done.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It’s being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham’s breasts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Gaddafi hasn’t been seen since April 30. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Nose job.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, ‘What happened to the last guy?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, ‘Wanna bet?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently Osama took a lot of Viagra. That’s why they thought he was armed.” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s approval rating has hit 60 percent, its highest in two years. So he can pretty much count on reelection if he can just kill bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave a big speech at the US-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called tunnels.” – Jay Leno

“A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don’t pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Gingrich has hot plan to fix the economy


© Matt Bors

Now that Donald Trump has decided not to run for some reason, the comedians can turn their attention to Newt Gingrich, who is definitely running. Let the humor begin!

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Stewart v. O’Reilly, round one

See this previous post for background on this one.

UPDATE: Transcript of entire interview (on Fox News). What happened after what’s included in the above video is just as much fun. Or you can watch part 2 on video.

UPDATE 2:

At least I admire O’Reilly for publishing the poll results.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore.” – Jay Leno

“The White House described the relationship between the United States and Pakistan as ‘complicated.’ In fact it’s so complicated that the U.S. just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and T-shirts back.” – Conan O’Brien

“The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.” – Jay Leno

“Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.” – Jay Leno

“Pakistan has 3 of Osama’s wives: Ivana, Marla and Melania.” – David Letterman

“Bin Laden had Viagra in his medicine cabinet, but he didn’t take any with him into the afterlife, so 66 of the virgins are still on standby.” – David Letterman

“Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle.” – Jay Leno

“Bin Laden liked watching old footage of himself on video. The only thing he couldn’t bear to watch, footage of his old 10 o’clock show.” – Jay Leno

“Al Qaeda has released an audio tape by bin Laden made this afternoon. ‘Glugguuguuuugllgluuug.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s approval ratings have already started to go down again. We’re so fickle. Basically, we’re saying, who have you shot for us lately?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Why are we listening to the Bush administration people [trying to take credit]? They didn’t get bin Laden. They’re like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama.” – Jon Stewart

“The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It’s kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you’re like, ‘We will fight you until the end! Of May!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can’t be terrorists — unless you’re sitting next to one on a flight.” – Jay Leno

“In Iran 25 of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s associates have been arrested and charged with being magicians and being able to summon genies. So if you’re keeping score at home, it’s believe in genies 1, believe in Holocaust 0.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It’s the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator.” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She’ll get the house in Malibu and he’ll be moving back to Skull Island.” – David Letterman

“The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don’t know how they ever started communicating.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They gave it a shot, but that’s what happens when you marry outside of your species.” – David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold is being a guy about it, saying ‘I’ll be back — for my things.'” – David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, ‘Hasta la vista, half of my stuff.'” – Craig Ferguson

“They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world.” – Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s going back to acting, but what kind of movies? ‘Conan the Octogenarian?’ ‘Occasional Recall?’ ‘Tinkle All the Way?’ I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I’m not a teacher in California.” – Craig Ferguson

“California is a very tough state to govern. We can’t even control Lindsay Lohan.” – Craig Ferguson

“What would happen if the Obamas split up? Would Barack have to move out of the White House, into a one-bedroom with 27 Secret Service men?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton is at a summit in Greenland with leaders of 7 Arctic countries. Obama said, ‘Send the Ice Queen. Make it so.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin.” – Jimmy Fallon

‎”There is little doubt what Trump’s eventual announcement will be because he’s already decided to run in his mind. That means he’s a shoe-in because that’s where all his supporters are.” – Stephen Colbert

‎”He has a great relationship with ‘the blacks.’ He must. How else could he get away with calling them ‘the blacks?'” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won ‘Apprentice.’ Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.” – Conan O’Brien

“I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of … the same.” – Craig Ferguson

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If you rejoice in revenge, torture and war … you’re not a Christian

Bill Maher is on a roll this week. It is interesting that right after Maher’s recent brilliant monologue praising Obama, he now equally brilliantly points out the hypocrisy of something Obama recently said. Both are right on.

UPDATE: Yet more great Bill Maher, this time being interviewed on Hardball. He’s as good answering random questions as he is giving his monologue.

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Foxygen

The Daily Show creates a new meme: Foxygen — what you have to be breathing to believe the crap they show on Fox News.

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Conservative Political Position


© Ed Stein

I love the fact that Ed Stein gives commentary along with his comics. Here’s the commentary for this one:

Once upon a time, Republicans could have original ideas, could differ from others in their party on substantive issues, and could come up with creative pragmatic solutions to problems. That was then. Now, it is required that all candidates adhere to the right wing dogma of the day. Policy has become religion, and one dare not veer from the proper path for fear of offending the papacy of the new conservative order. Newt Gingrich, who not long ago strongly supported a health insurance mandate, now calls it fascism. Poor Mitt Romney, whose Massachusetts health care overhaul (virtually indistinguishable from Obamacare in its basic structure) made him a strong candidate for the Republican nomination a few years ago, now finds it necessary to twist himself in knots explaining why Obamacare is abhorrent while remaining proud of his own plan. Oh, for the long-ago days when a self-described maverick could win the nomination. Then again, that old maverick did a Romney in order to win re-election to the senate, embarrassing himself with his zeal to repudiate most of his former positions while genuflecting to the new orthodoxy. It will be amusing to watch the parade of candidates try to distinguish themselves from each other while simultaneously affirming their devotion to the identical creed. Sad, but amusing.

UPDATE: Romney tries really hard to distinguish Romney-care from Obama-care, and earns himself a “Pants-on-Fire” Lie rating from PolitiFact.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what’s up.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden was the longest 40 minutes of his life. Mind you, that’s coming from a guy that has to listen to Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. And it didn’t help that every two seconds, Joe Biden kept saying, ‘Are we there yet?'” – Craig Ferguson

“The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we’re going to pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, ‘Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'” – Conan O’Brien

“They have released videos found in Osama bin Laden’s compound. Apparently, bin Laden dyed his beard black to look younger. It’s probably pretty much washed off by now.” – Jay Leno

“For years, the CIA thought bin Laden was sick and on dialysis, but one of his wives said he recovered from two kidney operations in part by eating watermelon every day. I knew watermelons were against us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Officials say the terrorists are now going after our railways. The rail line you should really avoid is Amtrakistan.” – Jay Leno

“It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. Looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress.” – Jimmy Fallon

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