Political Irony

“Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can’t believe no one knew this was Arnold’s son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy.” – Jay Leno

“Maria Shriver had dinner with Oprah the other night, so Arnold is in a lot of trouble. He should start looking into fortified compounds in Abbottabad.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is ‘National Visit Your Relatives Day!’ Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, ‘Better make it two days.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It’s no big deal.” – Jay Leno

“Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump is not running for president. The whole thing was a publicity stunt? Really?” – David Letterman

“Trump says that NBC talked him into staying. That’s funny because I had just the opposite experience.” – David Letterman

“Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader – and so is SEAL Team 6. ” – David Letterman

“It’s quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters – all of whom are late night comedians.” – Conan O’Brien

“As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret.” – Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.” – Jay Leno

“Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama.” – David Letterman

“Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee’s announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump’s announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama’s re-election is Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: ‘The Adultery of Hope.'” – Jay Leno

“Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien

“To save money, Washington state has canceled next year’s presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn’t have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever.” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.” – David Letterman

“Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway.” – Jon Stewart

“They found so much porn at Bin Laden’s compound that they’re investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you’re not looking at porn, you’re analyzing coded messages. ‘Honey, I wasn’t looking at porn. I’m in Al Qaeda.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Disney is trademarking the phrase ‘SEAL Team 6,’ after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, ‘This would make a great Disney movie.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, ‘SEAL Team 6.’ They also renamed their most popular ride, ‘It’s a Small World – and We Will Find Where You’re Hiding and Kill You.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They’re thinking about Ashton Kutcher.” – David Letterman

“They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy” – David Letterman

“The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service.” – Jay Leno

“Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, ‘We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'” – David Letterman

“It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, ‘Why the long face?'” – David Letterman

“The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher.” -Craig Ferguson

“The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese.” – David Letterman

“After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It’s the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out. Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist.” – Craig Ferguson

“There’s talk of a new “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future … like July.” – Jay Leno

“Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 27 this weekend. At his party it was fun to reconnect with old friends, but then everybody’s parents showed up and made it weird.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, ‘Oh, great. NOW what’s Oprah going to do for her last guest?'” – David Letterman

“The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden’s compound, including a diary. I didn’t know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven’t read the diary yet because they can’t find the little key to open it up.” – Craig Ferguson

“Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that’s very sweet, isn’t it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of ‘Mamma Mia.’ He briefly considered joining the cast of ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Isn’t it odd how history’s greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer.” – Craig Ferguson

“Pakistan’s Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he’d been having an affair for 5 years … with Osama bin Laden.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he’s improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, ‘That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you … like MySpace or Friendster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno

“According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, ‘Yeah, that’s why I’m always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is “Let’s Just See What Would Happen.” – Conan O’Brien

“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year — 1996.” – David Letterman

“An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I’ve heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind.” – Jay Leno