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Justifying More Tax Cuts


© Barry Deutsch

Actually, the reason given in the last panel is the only one that makes sense.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days, that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his?” – Jay Leno

“That’s pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical ‘Sister Act.’ Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He’s starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we’re going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here’s what I don’t understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you’d think it would be a mellower place.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s a trap, don’t do it!’ But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.” – Jay Leno

“In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on ‘Tweeter.’ After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It’s ‘The Tweeter.”” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he’s saying it was just the Metamucil talking.” – Jay Leno

“John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she’s back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it’s not like her to quit something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” – Jay Leno

“Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: ‘It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called ‘Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.’ Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can’t do anything.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, ‘I don’t need this, I’ll just put it all on my Tiffany’s credit card.'” – David Letterman

“It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, ‘She plays the French horn.’ Then things got awkward when he added, ‘If you know what I mean.’” – Conan O’Brien

“According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time.” – Jay Leno

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.” – David Letterman

“New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, ‘anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at … actually, you’d just better call.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards.” – David Letterman

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Jon Stewart on Gay Marriage in New York

UPDATE: the local Catholic Church is not very happy. They are blaming the gay rights movement on “totalitarian government” and “the dictatorship of relativism”. My favorite line from the article: “Like most out-of-place reactionaries trying to control a modern, democratic world, [Archbishop Timothy] Dolan must stretch the common definition of words to such an extent that they end up meaning their opposite.” George Orwell would be proud.

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Republican Strong Suit


© R.J. Matson

Yesterday, the Obama campaign press secretary released a statement criticizing Michele Bachmann and her declared policies — more tax cuts for the rich, undoing Medicare and health insurance reform, repealing Wall Street reforms, and maintaining loopholes for oil and gas companies. Bachmann’s response (on Fox News of course) is classic:

I think clearly what this demonstrates is that the president of the United States is afraid of my candidacy. He fears me.

Speaking of Fox News, Bachmann also claimed that Fox anchor Chris Wallace called her to personally apologize for asking her in an interview on Sunday if she was a “flake”.

UPDATE: Someone has been updating Wikipedia to make it reflect reality according to Bachmann. This would be hilarious if it weren’t so frightening. For example, Bachmann gave a speech in Waterloo, Iowa and said she was proud to be in the town where John Wayne was from, but John Wayne was actually from Winterset, Iowa (several hundred miles away), although serial killer John Wayne Gacy was. Soon after, someone edited the Wikipedia page for John Wayne and changed his birthplace from Winterset to Waterloo.

Bachmann also claimed that John Quincy Adams was one of the “founding fathers” of our country (even though he was a mere child when his father signed the Declaration of Independence). But sure enough, Wikipedia was edited so that John Quincy was named as a founding father. The edits aren’t limited to Bachmann. When Sarah Palin mangled the telling of the ride of Paul Revere, a series of edits were made to Wikipedia in an attempt to support her fictional version.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Most Americans know Jon Huntsman as ‘the candidate most Americans don’t know.’ Gov. Huntsman’s announcement puts him somewhere between Ron Paul and Count Chocula as the favorite to win the GOP nomination.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand.” – Jay Leno

“Former governor of Utah, Jon Huntsman, is running for president. He’s one of those guys that can do everything — he speaks Chinese. In a couple of years we’ll all be speaking Chinese, so who cares?” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: ‘Now hiring!’ Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.” – Jay Leno

“The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he’ll fight accusations he’s gay. He’ll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt.” – Conan O’Brien

“I’ll tell you who’s in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He’s supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here’s what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope.” – David Letterman

“To no one’s surprise, on the ‘Today Show’ this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He’s just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona’s wildfires. He said, ‘Of course, I’m also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, ‘The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they’re already there with you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that’s progress.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go.” – Jay Leno

“Idaho state senator and former Republican legislator of the year, John McGee, is charged with drunk driving and suspicion of felony grand theft after reportedly stealing an SUV with a 20-foot trailer attached to it. In his defense, there’s not a lot to do in Idaho.” – Jay Leno

“The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt’s new leader, President Betty White.” – Conan O’Brien

“You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son ‘Tripp’ because ‘camping’ seemed like a dumb name.” – Conan O’Brien

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Doublespeak


© Jen Sorensen

Not mentioned was Mr. Feinprint’s most recent work — “unlimited data plans” for mobile phones with data caps.

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Truth in Consensus

[The Washington Fancy, a new online publication devoted to political satire, debuted this morning. This is a reprint of an article from their inaugural edition.]

Polls Are Accurate Representations of Fact and Public Opinion, Poll Says

WASHINGTON — After decades of controversy, it has finally been established that polls effectively convey public opinion, a recent poll shows.

In recent years multiple media outlets have called into question the usefulness of polling data as a way to make decisions. It is claimed that polls sample too small a population to show public opinion. Even if polls did quiz a larger percentage of the population, public opinion doesn’t necessarily show fact. However, it appears that these thoughts have been proven wrong.

A public opinion poll conducted on June 20th by Truth In Polling Group has provided some new data. The poll shows that 92% of people believe polls to be accurate sources of public opinion and fact. Only 5% believed this to be untrue, with 3% refusing to answer.

“This is groundbreaking,” said Peter Coburn, a journalist at The Washington Fancy. “There is no longer a question that polling data is effective – the poll data says so.”

Not all are satisfied with the results of the poll. Sociologist Nathan Landon of The Political Fact Institute had a different view of the data. He said, “It doesn’t matter what the polling data shows, if the concept of polling data is flawed.”

Landon’s remarks went unheeded, as he lacked the appropriate polling data to back up his statement.

By Gerould R. Lobouski

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Actual Headlines v. Fox News Headlines

Buzzfeed has an absolutely hilarious article showing actual news articles compared to the Fox News, um, creative reinterpretation of those headlines. Here is just a small sampling of them:

Actual News Headline Fox News Headline
USDA gay-sensitifity training seeks larger audience Obama Bureaucrats Imposing Radical Homosexual Sensitivity Training?
Michele Bachmann’s First Dude The Left Launches Attack on Bachmann’s Husband
Obama Will Speed Pullout From War in Afghanistan Obama Doesn’t Thank Petraeus
NY Officials Want Schools to Teach About Unwanted Baby Laws NYC Public Schools Teaching How to Abandon Your Baby?

In each case, Fox News cited the articles with the “actual news headline” as their source. That’s fair and balanced!

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Here Come the Big Lies

It is becoming standard in politics now — the “not intended to be a factual statement” statement. If you don’t like something, just lie about it, because the media will not call you on it.

Here’s just the latest example. Today, Michele Bachmann appeared on Fox News Sunday. Chris Wallace asked her about the accusations that she and her husband received government handouts for the family farm and for her husband’s counseling clinic. Bachmann responded that the farm was owned by her father-in-law “And my husband and I have never gotten a penny of money from the farm.”

Well, except that Bachmann’s own financial disclosure forms show that she has received tens of thousands of dollars — and probably hundreds of thousands — from the farm (disclosure forms do not show exact amounts). I guess she isn’t technically lying because that isn’t “a penny”, it’s more like ten million pennies.

She also claimed that the $30,000 to her husband’s clinic was for employee training, and that she or her husband had not benefited from the money. So, the clinic’s employees receiving free training from the government doesn’t benefit them? Seriously?

At the end of the softball interview, Wallace asked whether she was a “flake” because of a “history of questionable statements” and “gaffes”. A clearly irritated Bachmann responded “I think that would be insulting, to say something like that, because I’m a serious person.” I guess if you can’t respond with a good lie, the next best thing is to act insulted.

Or if you can’t do that, then deflect. On Face the Nation, Bachmann was asked about the farm subsidies, and she responded that the public should be more outraged about the increase in limousine usage under Obama.

It is going to be an interesting election.

UPDATE: The Washington Post declares that Bachmann is the Republican candidate to watch … for inaccuracies. My favorite one is her claiming that John Wayne was from her hometown, saying “that’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Unfortunately, she got the name wrong — it was serial killer John Wayne Gacy Jr. who lived in her hometown. No word yet on that kind of spirit.

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The New World Order

Salon has an interesting and fairly convincing article that claims the reason our social contract is unraveling is because the American people have “outlived their usefulness to the rich”.

Even the robber barons of the 19th century depended on the poor and the middle class to work in their factories, buy the resulting goods, and do other work. But now, with the new global economy, not only do the rich freely outsource American jobs to other countries, their biggest markets are also other countries. The only workforce they need here are laborers to be servants and to take care of golf courses. But as New York mayor Michael Bloomberg pointed out, that’s what illegal immigrants are for.

Their conclusion? The rich have absolutely no incentive to pay taxes any more. Which is why the GOP is so strongly against taxes of any kind.

The article has an interesting solution:

a new social contract, in which the American people, through representatives whom they actually control, would ordain that American corporations are chartered to create jobs in the U.S. for American workers, and if that does not interest their shareholders and managers then they can do without legal privileges granted by the sovereign people, like limited liability.

In other words, make corporate charters dependent on creating American jobs.

If that doesn’t happen, then he suggests that the poor and middle class of this country should prepare to leave or be kicked out — like the great exodus from British controlled countries like Scotland and Ireland in the 18th and 19th centuries, caused in great part by exploding housing and food costs (which is already happening here).

After depopulation “the U.S. could become a kind of giant Aspen for the small population of the super-rich and their non-voting immigrant retainers.” See, the GOP does have a plan.

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Romney Tries to go Viral

Mitt Romney’s campaign released a web video on Friday about how Obama has failed to create new jobs. The spot features Ryan King, a recent college graduate who is struggling to find a job in Michigan. You can watch the video here.

But wait a minute, if you listen closely to the video, King says “right now I have about $3 to my name before I cash my paycheck tomorrow”. Um, he’s getting a paycheck tomorrow?

Not only that, but according to the Wall Street Journal, a month before King made the video, he bragged on his Facebook page about getting a job.

It should probably surprise nobody that Ryan King is also the vice chairman of Young Republicans in his county. His Facebook page also has photos of him partying away at the 2011 state GOP convention.

Maybe we should be feeling more sorry for Mitt Romney than for Ryan King. Is he really this disconnected from reality?

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Moderate Gravitas

You may think of it as one of the pitfalls of being a moderate, but they call them “pitfalls” for a reason.


© Tom Toles

Toles has a funny observation to go along with this comic:

Funny! Washington: broken! Government: broken! Politics: broken! Diagnosis? Partisanship! Extreme position-taking! Nobody willing to compromise! Intemperate language! How, or when do we move away from this paralyzing stalemate, and start to work on moderate, consensus-building solutions?

So, what do you know. Why, right there in the White House is a president who seems do do nothing other than try to find or craft a middle course and patiently pursue it, with minimal bombast, on issue after issue after issue. And we hate him for it.

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AdSense Irony

I run Google AdSense on my site, which purports to run “relevant ads” based on the content of the site. Of course, AdSense has no clue about irony, sarcasm, or even humor. So they often run an ad for a politician next to an article where I’m condemning or making fun of that same politician. Most of the time this is ironic, so I leave it alone. Besides, if you click on their ad it costs them money! But at one point it got so bad that I had to ban some annoying ads for “she who must not be named” Palin that were being run constantly on my site (either that or I had to stop posting stories that mentioned her — the solution of course was to do both).

Presidential campaigning has begun, at least on the Republican side (on the Democratic side the Obama campaign is already asking me for money, even though they likely won’t start campaigning for a while). In the short term, I’m sure my site is going to be awash in ads for Republicans.

I’ve been noticing an ad for Mitt Romney the last few days. With any luck, if I mention the name Mitt Romney enough, it will appear next to this post. I can already see the major theme of Mitt Romney’s campaign. The ad just says “Obama isn’t working” followed by “Believe in America” and the URL of Mitt Romney’s campaign site. There are also images of people in unemployment lines that look like they are from the great depression. Wow, this ad is ironic all by itself, since just a few days ago Mitt Romney made a weak joke about he himself being unemployed (Mitt Romney didn’t mention whether Mitt Romney was taking that opportunity to receive unemployment insurance). However, Mitt Romney doesn’t say what he would do about unemployment, but what did I expect from the Party of No? I guess if I “Believe in America”, click my heels together, and cut taxes, everything will get better.

I’m also making this post because sometime soon I’ll probably start receiving emails from people complaining about the constant ads for Republican candidates on my site. Yes, I could just remove all ads from my site (yesterday, I received the huge sum of $2.69 from AdSense, so it would not be much of a sacrifice). But most of the time I just enjoy the ads and their often unintentional irony. Besides, it is their money — who am I to turn it down?

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama and Speaker Boehner played golf last weekend. Obama avoided an out-of-bounds penalty tee when an errant tee shot bounced off of Oprah, who was hiding in the woods.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we’ll pay off that deficit in no time.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks.” – Jay Leno

“NBC has apologized for editing out the words ‘under God’ from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with ‘Hail Satan.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Shwarzenegger’s favorite game on Father’s Day? Old Maid.” – Jay Leno

“After John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and father-to-be Anthony Weiner, who would have thought Charlie Sheen would be dad of the year?” – Jay Leno

“Bristol Palin’s new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It’s in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O’Brien.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there’s an 80/50 chance she’ll run for president.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.” – Jay Leno

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Obama must be doing something right

I always figure that in our screwed up politics, if you manage to piss off both extremes of the political spectrum, you must be doing something right. For anyone who doubts Obama is a moderate — watch this:

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