“Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Chairman of the Republican Party Ed Cox said that he would use the incriminating pictures from Anthony Weiner to defeat him. So now we have Cox versus Weiner. This just doesn’t stop!” – Jay Leno
“There’s a heat wave over half of the country. It got so hot in New York, a congressman took off his pants and tweeted a picture of himself.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s now a picture going around the internet of Weiner’s naked penis. You can tell it’s him, because it looks just like him.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a word for people that take pictures of their privates and send them out: ‘stupid.'” – David Letterman
“The women who Anthony Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life.” – Conan O’Brien
“Every time a new woman comes forward, I imagine Tiger Woods sitting in the back room of a Hooters somewhere laughing his ass off.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s not a great day for the King of Sweden. He’s facing pressure to step down over rumors that he frequents strip clubs. Now, I think I speak for every American when I say, ‘Oh Sweden, your political sex scandals are so adorable.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from a guy that looks like a jockey to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys.” – David Letterman
“Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail.” – Bill Maher
“Many of Anthony Weiner’s Democratic colleagues are calling for him to resign to preserve his dignity, but that ship sailed a long time ago.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If Weiner resigns, they’re already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher.” – David Letterman
“After searching online for eight minutes for pictures of a congressman’s penis you have to start questioning yourself. And now we find out Weiner’s wife is pregnant. The only thing that could make this right is if it turns out she got pregnant by Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it’s a total housekeeper magnet.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama wrote an essay for People magazine about being the father he never had. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote an essay about being the father no one knew he was.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, ‘Don’t mention it … to China, because it’s their money.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta’s new slogan: ‘Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over.'” – Jay Leno
“There a giant fire burning in Arizona, the biggest fire ever in the history of the state … I’m not saying these two things are connected, but a few weeks ago Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames.” – Bill Maher
“I feel bad for Sarah. She heard all the alarms and sirens and she figured the British were coming.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who’s made it clear she won’t meet with her. Palin went, ‘Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'” – Jay Leno
“People keep asking me if Sarah Palin is running for President. How the fuck do I know? What am I, the idiot whisperer?” – Bill Maher
“We don’t even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quit en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he’s been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany’s on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: Newt Gingrich, just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn’t just off to a rocky start; it’s like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your popularity into context for you. You are a Republican and you’re polling behind a black man (Herman Cain).” – Bill Maher
“It’s Donald Duck Day, the day the mighty Disney corporation says we celebrate our favorite Donald. Sorry, Donald Trump.” – Craig Ferguson
“Donald Duck & Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery ass … and the other one’s Donald Duck.” – Craig Ferguson
“Donald Duck has one of those voices that everyone can identify, like Darth Vader — or Larry King.” – Craig Ferguson
“According to a worldwide survey, the funniest country in the world is America. We are considered the funniest country in the world and Germany is considered the least funny country in the world. How bad is that when you come in behind that laugh riot, Iran?” – Jay Leno
