Political Irony

“Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is ‘Charles Manson in Charge.'” – Conan O’Brien

“New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it’s great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers.” – David Letterman

‎”Finally, New York state’s gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in Connecticut in order to get married.” – Jon Stewart

“Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich’s face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That’s a long time, even for a leprechaun.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During the trial, Blagojevich got himself in trouble for texting photos of his hair.” – David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner was photographed this weekend dining with his wife and texting from his cell phone. Maybe he should put the phone away for a few years.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Anthony Weiner is back in the private sector now. When he was a congressman from New York, I think it was his private sector that got him in trouble.” – David Letterman

“Whitey Bulger’s brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster.” – Craig Ferguson

“Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume ‘when the time comes’. So there you go, everyone — it’s not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin said she did not quit her bus tour. She just had to go home early for jury duty. How can you be President if you’re not even smart enough to get out of jury duty?” – Jay Leno

“Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol’s new memoir is quote ‘shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.’ Of course, she said the same thing about the movie ‘Cars 2’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin’s new book and she found it ‘shocking.’ When asked what was shocking, Palin said ‘the fact I read a book.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Cameron Diaz opens this weekend as the ‘Bad Teacher.’ She’s so bad she tells the kids a completely incorrect version of the Paul Revere story.” – David Letterman

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit last week. Then his finance staff. He was going to quit the race, but his speechwriter quit too.” – Jay Leno

“A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied ‘You first.'” – Bill Maher

“President Obama was in New York today. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, ‘Please tell me you’re not a Democratic Congressman.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Justin Bieber and President Obama both in New York tonight. Traffic gridlock with the most powerful man in the world and right down the street President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In New York City today, no one was able to move as both President Obama and Justin Bieber visited. Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign; Bieber was launching his new fragrance. This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, ‘We can’t stay there indefinitely.’ You think our troops in Korea are going, ‘HELLO, we’ve been here for 60 years.'” – Jay Leno

“Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, ‘Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'” – Jay Leno

“Days are longer in the summer, especially in the Weiner house.” – David Letterman

“The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can’t be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, ‘These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke.” – Jay Leno

“Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days, that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his?” – Jay Leno

“That’s pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical ‘Sister Act.’ Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He’s starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we’re going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here’s what I don’t understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you’d think it would be a mellower place.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s a trap, don’t do it!’ But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.” – Jay Leno

“In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on ‘Tweeter.’ After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It’s ‘The Tweeter.”” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he’s saying it was just the Metamucil talking.” – Jay Leno

“John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she’s back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it’s not like her to quit something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” – Jay Leno

“Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: ‘It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called ‘Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.’ Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can’t do anything.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, ‘I don’t need this, I’ll just put it all on my Tiffany’s credit card.'” – David Letterman

“It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, ‘She plays the French horn.’ Then things got awkward when he added, ‘If you know what I mean.’” – Conan O’Brien

“According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time.” – Jay Leno

“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.” – David Letterman

“New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, ‘anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at … actually, you’d just better call.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards.” – David Letterman

© R.J. Matson

Yesterday, the Obama campaign press secretary released a statement criticizing Michele Bachmann and her declared policies — more tax cuts for the rich, undoing Medicare and health insurance reform, repealing Wall Street reforms, and maintaining loopholes for oil and gas companies. Bachmann’s response (on Fox News of course) is classic:

I think clearly what this demonstrates is that the president of the United States is afraid of my candidacy. He fears me.

Speaking of Fox News, Bachmann also claimed that Fox anchor Chris Wallace called her to personally apologize for asking her in an interview on Sunday if she was a “flake”.

UPDATE: Someone has been updating Wikipedia to make it reflect reality according to Bachmann. This would be hilarious if it weren’t so frightening. For example, Bachmann gave a speech in Waterloo, Iowa and said she was proud to be in the town where John Wayne was from, but John Wayne was actually from Winterset, Iowa (several hundred miles away), although serial killer John Wayne Gacy was. Soon after, someone edited the Wikipedia page for John Wayne and changed his birthplace from Winterset to Waterloo.

Bachmann also claimed that John Quincy Adams was one of the “founding fathers” of our country (even though he was a mere child when his father signed the Declaration of Independence). But sure enough, Wikipedia was edited so that John Quincy was named as a founding father. The edits aren’t limited to Bachmann. When Sarah Palin mangled the telling of the ride of Paul Revere, a series of edits were made to Wikipedia in an attempt to support her fictional version.