Political Irony

“Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn’t been this excited since she won last year’s ‘Who’s Crazier Than Sarah Palin’ contest.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.” – Stephen Colbert

“Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.” – Stephen Colbert

“Tim Pawlenty announced that he’s dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don’t know who he is.” – Conan O’Brien

“Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.” – Stephen Colbert

“Why would the Josh Brolin character from ‘W.’ be running for….what!? That’s a real guy?” – Jon Stewart (on Rick Perry)

[Video about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: “He’s close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy.”] Jon Stewart: “And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor.”

“He’s not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the fucking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!” – Jon Stewart

“If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'” – Jon Stewart

“How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?” – Jon Stewart (on the media ignoring Paul’s second place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll)

“Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, ‘Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for ‘Jersey Shore’ are at an all-time high.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.” – Conan O’Brien

“The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien

© Tom Toles

This would explain much about the Republican strategy.

© Brian McFadden

“There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they’re doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Michele Bachmann said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin’s daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.” – Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for ‘Playboy’ and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she’d have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon

‎”Obama is going to use ‘weird’ as code for ‘Mormon.’ I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Obama campaign’s apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as “weird”)

“We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama’s going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by ‘own it’ I mean rent it.” – Daily Show “senior black correspondent” Larry Wilmore

“Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he’s sewn up the crucial ‘guy you didn’t know existed’ vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America ‘a renewed sense of urgency.’ A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.” – Jay Leno

“Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.” – Jay Leno

“A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You’d think their credit would be better, but it’s not. Look who owes them all the money.” – Jay Leno