Political Irony

“It was 123 degrees in Minnesota. How far is Al Gore going to take this global warming hoax?” – Bill Maher

“123 degrees in Minnesota? Michele Bachmann’s husband went in the closet just for the shade.” – Bill Maher

“It was so hot in Iowa that Michele Bachmann couldn’t tell if her headache was a migraine or a brain freeze from her Slurpee.” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann was in the news this week for her migraines. They say she gets terrible migraines. Some people say as often as once a week she is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she’s perfectly fine.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin is becoming a grandmother again (or for the first time, who knows). It’s not Bristol – Bristol, of course, is re-saving herself for marriage. This is Palin’s oldest son Track. His wife is pregnant. They got married two months ago, and now she looks like she’s six months pregnant. So you do the math, because certainly the Palins can’t.” – Bill Maher

“What is it with this family and pregnancy? Do they not have condoms up there in Alaska? When they say ‘don’t retreat, reload,’ they are not fucking around. I think they think abstinence is Latin for ‘no anal.” – Bill Maher

“Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, which is kind of sad because the only other person who knew Huntsman was running for president was the campaign manager.” – Jay Leno

“In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It’s hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they’ll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products.” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a ‘debt ceiling deal’ for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, ‘But if I can’t have that – iPad.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama’s calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side’s policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side’s policy is ‘I’ll be at my mother’s.'” – Bill Maher

“Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, ‘Can they say yes to anything?” A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said ‘no.’ What is the Democrats’ next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?” – Bill Maher

“I’m sick of this. Every week’s it’s the same story. Our news is so monotonous, when Rupert Murdoch taps our phones, he just lets the machine pick up.” – Bill Maher

“Did you see Rupert Murdoch testifying before parliament in London this week? And his Chinese-born ninja wife? Did you see that, when the guy had the pie and she sprung into action? That’s what I call a tiger MILF. That’s the mystery of Asians to me. Lightening quick with cat-like reflexes, until they get behind the wheel.” – Bill Maher

“‘Captain America’ is set in the 1940s, when people thought smoking was healthy and for breakfast, they would eat bacon smothered in beef fat with a side of asbestos.” – Craig Ferguson

“Back then, America had a ruined economy and was fighting wars with two different countries. It was a totally different time.” – Craig Ferguson

“Captain America is patriotic. Of course, Superman wore the American colors, but he wasn’t born here — much like our president.” – Craig Ferguson

“Captain America isn’t just patriotic, he’s also a real captain in the armed forces, not a made-up captain, like Captain Crunch.” – Craig Ferguson

“In Washington, the air quality today was described as ‘red.’ I’d never heard that. ‘Red,’ somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what ‘red’ is? It’s bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it’s just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that’s called a Republican budget.” – Bill Maher

Fox News continues their campaign to demonize the poor in America, and Stephen Colbert is right there with them!

Jon Stewart demonstrates that the debt ceiling debate has gotten so utterly and unbelievably bizarre, that only a comedy show has any chance at all of giving it the coverage it so clearly deserves:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Barack Obama

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority for years was enforcing U.N. resolutions in Iraq.

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. Evolution is a lie, but get a flu shot every year because the virus evolves.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die and the nation is plunged into debt is solid national policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. You support “Executive Privilege” for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

15. Support hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

16. You can vote to raise the debt limit as long as Obama is not President.

17. Officials should allow Christian prayer and Bible studies in schools and government buildings as a matter of Religious Freedom, but Muslims should not be allowed to build mosques or be elected to office because they practice Islam.

18. You have an argument why every one of the above is sensible and not hypocritical, and besides look at all the terrible things the Democrats may have done.

“The Republican presidential field is an embarrassment of riches. In fact, the first two words that come to mind are ’embarrassment’ and ‘rich’.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That’s what happens when you don’t get a little pornography every now and then.” – David Letterman

“Newt’s been struggling in the polls, he lost most of his staff, then he lost the rest of his staff. And to top it off, he lost the startup disc for his wife.” – Stephen Colbert

“Sarah Palin’s son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven’t picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too.” – Jay Leno

“A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, ‘Hire that kid on the spot.'” – Jay Leno

“Rupert Murdoch is 80, his wife is 42. 80 and 42, that’s like halftime at a Cleveland Cavaliers game, isn’t it? Please.” – Jay Leno

“The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, ‘Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you’re thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.” – Craig Ferguson

“I don’t remember much of the moon landing. I was only 7 years old at the time, and was busy with school work. And by ‘school work,’ I mean I was drunk.” – Craig Ferguson

“The crew of Atlantis brought an iPhone into space to track their experiments. I think that by ‘track their experiments,’ they mean ‘play Angry Birds.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Here is your federal government at work – the FAA has ordered a helicopter pilot who runs his own one-pilot charter company. It’s his company, he’s the only pilot. They’ve ordered him to give himself random surprise drug tests. He has to surprise himself with a drug test. They only way you can do that is if you are on drugs.” – Jay Leno

“Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy.” – David Letterman

“A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a ‘vicious battle’ before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.'” – Jimmy Fallon