Political Irony

“This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a ‘plan B’. Unfortunately, the B stands for ‘bake sale.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn’t reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the ‘feels like’ is $20 trillion.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn’t seem like a lot to you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We’ll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.” – Conan O’Brien

“Economists are worried if we fall into default “the good name of the United States” would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy.” – Jay Leno

“The number one movie in the country is “Captain America.” Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40’s and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time. Whole different thing from today.” – Jay Leno

“John Boehner told Republicans to ‘get in line.’ He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.” ” – Jimmy Fallon

“A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is ‘corrupt.’ The other 64 percent think Congress is ‘extremely corrupt.'” – Jay Leno

“We’re under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it’s due to Michele Bachmann’s hair spray.” – David Letterman

“I guess the reason conservatives hate it when liberals play the victim card is that it distracts from the real victims: conservatives.” – Jon Stewart

“I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back.” – Jon Stewart

“Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I’m toying with the idea of drinking again.” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno

“George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It’s expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of ‘Cake Boss’.” – Conan O’Brien

“NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, ‘One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.” – Craig Ferguson

“The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It’s too bad the national debt isn’t as important as football.” – David Letterman

“‘Debt ceiling,’ to me, sounds like a boring John Grisham novel, but apparently it’s very important.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.” – Jay Leno

“On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America.” – David Letterman

“‘Captain America’ made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.” – Conan O’Brien

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won’t be able to pay our bills. Then we’ll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood.” – Conan O’Brien

“The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The ‘debate’ we’ve been having? Is that what that noise out of Washington has been? It sounded like an elephant seal trying to fuck a truck.” – Jon Stewart

“On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of ‘hiding in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of ‘locking him in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: ‘President Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? … I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted ‘The Bachelorette’ to be like, ‘Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'” – Jon Stewart

“In his speech, President Obama said that ‘compromise’ has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican Presidential Candidate John Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, Susie Wiles. This after a poll showing she has higher name recognition than he did. That’s not good.” – Jay Leno

“Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like ‘Caddyshack’ movies. They should have stopped with one.” – David Letterman

The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It’s not unusual to buy an entire city. We’ve been doing that for years. It’s called Washington, D.C.” – Jay Leno

“McDonald’s has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald’s added cheese and beef to their apple slices.” – Conan O’Brien

“Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” – Jon Stewart

“A lot of people don’t understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it’s the ceiling for our debt.” – Craig Ferguson

“I heard that if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn’t the auto club mind their own business?” – David Letterman

“My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don’t have the balls to leave, so you’ve all decided to act like such giant assholes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the fuck out.” – Jon Stewart

“President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won’t even let Obama raise his age.” – Conan O’Brien

“The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya.” – David Letterman

“There’s still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do.” – Jay Leno

“Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America’s credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card.” – Conan O’Brien

“My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.” – David Letterman

“We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.” – Craig Ferguson

“Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Gay marriage is legal in New York. That’s got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don’t you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay.” – Jay Leno

“The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don’t know.” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin’s documentary, ‘The Undefeated,’ will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles.” – Jimmy Fallon