“We finally got a debt deal. It’s a jobs killer. It’ll bring back the recession. It didn’t do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, ‘I got shot in the head for this?'” – Bill Maher
“In the movie ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes,’ not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans.” – Jay Leno
“John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack.” – Bill Maher
“There are consequences to voting for economic terrorists. There’s a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage.” – Bill Maher
“The only way they’re going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherfuckers.” – Bill Maher
“So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party.” – Bill Maher
“That’s right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey… And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?” – Bill Maher
“Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas.” – Bill Maher
“The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor’s downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF.” – Bill Maher
“I have some bad news for the Chinese; that money we were going to pay you back with, turns out we had it in the stock market. Tough break.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream.” – Bill Maher
“Some good news; after one of the worst weeks in 30 years the market slightly recovered today. Up 60 points! Sixty points! In fact, economists say if we can do that every day for the next 200 years we’ll be back to where we were last week. So that’s fantastic.” – Jay Leno
“Man, it’s been a tough time for the economy, but this week, President Obama declared that quote ‘things will get better.’ Yep, and then he opened his eyes, and blew out the candles on his birthday cake.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday Barack Obama had a birthday. Or as Republicans call it, Kwanzaa. I don’t know how much you know about Barack Obama, but he was briefly president of the United States, and yesterday he turned 50, although if Republicans insist, he is willing to be 52.” – Bill Maher
“Later this month President Obama will embark on a bus tour through the Midwest that will focus on jobs. Mainly him trying to keep his.” – Jay Leno
“Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he’s a secret Republican.” – Bill Maher
“A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they’re in office. Or as John McCain put it, ‘Whew — good thing I lost!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I’m concerned.” – Bill Maher
“On this day in 1861, the federal income tax went into effect. Actually, what happened was, back in those days there were lots of armed robbers and thieves, so the government rounded them all up – thus forming I.R.S. as we know it today.” – Jay Leno
