How can Jon Stewart make me laugh, while at the same time making me ashamed to live in the same country as some of these people he shows in his video clips:
Incidentally, even though Jon doesn’t specifically mention Fox News, almost all of the video clips shown are from Fox (and the other three are of Republican politicians, taken from other sources).
Jon Stewart asks, now that Obama is not defending the Defense of Marriage Act, why is he still enforcing it? Meanwhile, Rick Santorum puts his foot firmly in his mouth trying to defend DOMA.
Presidential candidate Rick Perry is so against federal regulations that he is campaigning against regulations that don’t even exist!
According to an article in the Wall Street Journal, at two different speeches in Iowa this last week, Perry claimed “If you’re a tractor driver, if you drive your tractor across a public road, you’re gonna have to have a commercial driver’s license. Now how idiotic is that?”
It turns out that it was the state of Illinois that had briefly considered requiring certain farmers to have commercial vehicle licenses, but the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration put the kibosh on that, previously announcing “The common sense exemptions that allow farmers, their employers, and their families to accomplish their day-to-day work and transport their products to market” should remain in place. And Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood released a statement saying “We have no intention of instituting onerous regulations on the hardworking families who feed our country and fuel our economy.” And finally, U.S. Transportation Deputy Secretary John Porcari announced “We want to make it absolutely clear that farmers will not be subjected to new and impractical safety regulations.”
Apparently that wasn’t clear enough for Rick Perry. Now how idiotic is that?
“Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, ‘That’s ridiculous, and if you’ll excuse me, ‘Spongebob’ is on.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China’s money.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he’s being modest. He deserves a little credit.” – Jay Leno
“Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?” – Jay Leno
”We need God’s forgiveness — or at least China’s.” – Stephen Colbert
“It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It’s like trying to follow Gary Busey when he’s off his meds.” – Jay Leno
“According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It’s true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven’t heard in years: English.” – Jay Leno
”[Megyn Kelly] used to hate entitlement programs, mandated benefits and things like that. See if you can spot the difference between Megyn Kelly coming off of maternity leave and some of her earlier work.” – Jon Stewart (see more on this).
”Never get between a Mama Grizzly and her maternity leave.” – Jon Stewart
“During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I’m sure 911 operators can’t wait to get texts that say, ‘Being carjacked, LOL.'” – Conan O’Brien
”Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.” – Stephen Colbert
“Corporations are people. It’s time to remake ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner’ where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won’t want to see his daughter drilled.” – Stephen Colbert (on Mitt Romney’s declaration that “corporations are people”)
“Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They’re like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy.” – Stephen Colbert
“Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She’s not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she’s going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington.” – Jon Stewart
“The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.” – Jay Leno
Peter Waldron spent 37 days in prison in Uganda in 2006 after he was charged with terrorism for possessing assault rifles and ammunition. The sentence could have been life in prison, but the charges were dropped after the intervention of the Bush administration.
Which was good news for Michele Bachmann, since Waldron is now a staffer for the presidential hopeful who helped her win the Ames Straw Poll. There are also people who claim that Waldron worked for the CIA.
So, is Bachmann palling around with terrorists?
UPDATE: We will probably never get a straight answer out of Bachmann, who has an uneasy relationship with the truth. For years she used the title “Dr. Michele Bachmann” even though she has no degree — medical or otherwise — that would allow her to use that title. As recently as this week she claimed that she was late to an event because she was attending her annual family reunion, but her own mom said she was a no-show.
I think the Republican primary is going to be very interesting. Can the Republicans wrest control back from not only the Tea Party they helped create, but also from Fox News?
“There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they’re doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Michele Bachmann said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin’s daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.” – Jay Leno
“Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for ‘Playboy’ and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she’d have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon
”Obama is going to use ‘weird’ as code for ‘Mormon.’ I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Obama campaign’s apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as “weird”)
“We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama’s going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by ‘own it’ I mean rent it.” – Daily Show “senior black correspondent” Larry Wilmore
“Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he’s sewn up the crucial ‘guy you didn’t know existed’ vote.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America ‘a renewed sense of urgency.’ A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.” – Jay Leno
“Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.” – Jay Leno
“A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You’d think their credit would be better, but it’s not. Look who owes them all the money.” – Jay Leno
Jon Stewart points out the hypocrisy of the mainstream media. They even joke about the fact that they studiously ignore Ron Paul.
What I don’t understand is how the media can not take Ron Paul seriously, when they seem to be able to take people like Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and even Sarah Palin seriously. It boggles my imagination.
More Jon Stewart goodness about the Ames Iowa Straw Poll. Also definitely worth a read is Andy Borowitz’s post “S&P Downgrades Iowa’s IQ“.
UPDATE: The Pew Research Center’s Project for Excellence in Journalism ranked the presidential candidates in terms of how much coverage they are receiving from the media. Sure enough, Ron Paul ranked tenth — far below even non-candidates Donald Trump and Sarah Palin, or floundering candidate Newt Gingrich. The Republican candidate who received the most media coverage was Mitt Romney, who came in behind Paul in the Ames Straw Poll. Even Tim Pawlenty, who dropped out of the race because it was going so poorly, received almost twice as much attention from the media as Paul.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not a Paul supporter — but it seems really strange to me that he could come in second in the straw poll, receiving within 1% as many votes as the winner, and still the media pretty much ignores him.
UPDATE 2: The Economist has an excellent article about how the media manufactures irrelevance for Ron Paul, while giving more attention to people like Michele Bachmann than they ever deserve.
Of course, there are differences between Bush and Perry. For example, Bush mostly pretended to be a fundamentalist Christian, while Perry is a full tilt Dominionist, who believes that Christians have a God-mandated right and duty to rule all earthly institutions according to God’s law.
UPDATE: Jon Stewart on Rick Perry (including the resemblance to Dubya). Hilarious.
UPDATE 2: The Cristian Science Monitor has an enlightening article about an upcoming book about Rick Perry entitled “Adios Mofo: Why Rick Perry Will Make America Miss George W. Bush“. The book describes Perry as an “ideologue with scant interest or success in governing”.
A recent PolitiFact article reminded me of an old saying attributed to Mark Twain: “Figures never lie, but liars figure”. The article rates the truthfulness of a statement by Mitt Romney during the Republican presidential debate last week, where he said that under president JFK “government took up” 27% of the economy, while today it “consumes 37%”. Technically, Romney is correct.
Well, close actually. The first year JFK was president, 1961, government spending as a percent of GDP was 27.4%, but the next year it was 27.8%, so closer to 28% than 27%. And Romney’s definition of “today” seems to be 2009, when government spending was 36.5% of GDP. In 2010 it was 35.0%. So it is equally true that spending went from 28% under JFK to 35% today, but a rise of 7% doesn’t sound quite as dire as a double digit 10% rise. Also note that by saying “today”, he is implying “under Obama”, but the 2009 fiscal year budget was approved under Bush, not Obama.
But to me the real lie is Romney’s fear-mongering conclusion: “We’re inches away from no longer having a free economy.” Oh no! Government spending is running wild and is threatening your freedom!
Bullshit.
The rise in government spending is almost entirely due to what are called “transfer payments” — programs like Social Security and Medicare. Indeed, Medicare didn’t even exist until 1965, so it accounts for a big share of the increase. And while Social Security is technically government spending, it is like an insurance program. You pay into Social Security all your life, and in return when you retire Social Security pays you something to live on. Note that your retirement payment is your money, and you can spend it on whatever you want. How is that not free?
If you leave out transfer payments, government spending actually decreased as a percentage of GDP, from 22.5% to 19.3%. Defense and international spending went down, from 9.8% in 1963 to 5.1% in 2010. Even interest payments, the scary boogeyman of the national debt, went down, from 1.5% in 1963 to 1.4% in 2010.
So what is Romney’s point? If the rise in Federal spending is threatening our freedom, then he should be proposing that we cut those programs that contributed directly to that rise, namely Medicare and Social Security. In order to reduce those programs to 1963 levels, he needs to eliminate 69% of their funding, and abolish Medicare completely. I wonder how popular that would be.
I think PolitiFact needs a new category — things that are technically true but are used to make conclusions that are completely misleading. They can call it “Liars Figure”.
“Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That’s what her words are for.” – Jon Stewart
“Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. Did you see the picture? That’s when you know it’s bad, when even you look surprised you’re running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I look at that picture and say, isn’t that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?” – Jon Stewart
“Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann ‘The Queen of Rage.’ Michele says, ‘There’s only one raging queen in our household, and it’s not me.'” – Conan O’Brien
“New reports say that President Obama’s re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as ‘weird.’ They’re also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as ‘Michele Bachmann.'” – Conan O’Brien
“‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ made $54 million this weekend. It’s about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.” – Jay Leno
“Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I’d be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don’t.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won’t talk to us.” – Jay Leno
“The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It’s a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After Monday’s 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis.” – Conan O’Brien
“Great day today! Obama didn’t speak. Congress didn’t act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There’s a lesson in there.” – Jay Leno
“There was a small fire today at President Obama’s vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, ‘Darn! That’s where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. – Jay Leno
“Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh’s chair accused him of doing the same thing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last ‘Harry Potter’ movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he’ll go from there.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘I Survived Maria.’ Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, ‘I Survived ‘Twins.’ ‘End of Days’ and ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she’d have if the Palins didn’t practice abstinence. The kid’s name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.” – Jimmy Kimmel
How can anyone call it class warfare when the case against the rich is being argued by one of the richest men in the world? Warren Buffett is one of the most successful investors ever, and yet he makes an iron-clad case that the US is coddling the super-rich. Buffett points out that he pays a smaller percentage of his income (17.4%) than all of the people who work in his office (average 36%). That’s right, his tax rate is less than half of rate people working for him pay. He adds that some of his super-rich friends pay even less.
Why? Because if you make money from investments, you pay 15% on most of your earnings. Not only that, but payroll taxes (which support social security) are capped, so the rich pay a minuscule percentage of their income on that.
But my favorite part of his article is where he explodes the myth that low taxes encourages investment. As he puts it:
I have worked with investors for 60 years and I have yet to see anyone — not even when capital gains rates were 39.9 percent in 1976-77 — shy away from a sensible investment because of the tax rate on the potential gain. People invest to make money, and potential taxes have never scared them off. And to those who argue that higher rates hurt job creation, I would note that a net of nearly 40 million jobs were added between 1980 and 2000. You know what’s happened since then: lower tax rates and far lower job creation.
So who are Republicans trying to protect when they refuse to raise taxes on the super-wealthy? They sure aren’t trying to create jobs.
Buffett concludes “My friends and I have been coddled long enough by a billionaire-friendly Congress. It’s time for our government to get serious about shared sacrifice.”
UPDATE: Obama agrees with Buffett on taxes.
There have been quite a few comics recently about the riots in England. On one side, the rioters are declared to be low-life criminal scum. On the other side, the rioters are reacting to the destruction of their jobs and way of life by the bankers. Are both views correct?
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