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Late Night Political Humor

“Next week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I’m sure that will sail right through.” – David Letterman

“‘The White House agreed to move President Obama’s speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe.” – Jay Leno

“After pressure from Republicans, President Obama moved his big jobs speech from Wednesday to Thursday night. Obama gave in when he realized something important: He could just TiVo ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama caved again when ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ called and said, ‘Our show is on at that time.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama’s approval rating.” – David Letterman

“Obama’s approval rating is 38 percent. I’d kill for numbers like that.” – David Letterman

“Dick Cheney’s book is an inside look at what it’s like to be president — uh, vice president.” – Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney’s memoir, ‘Eat, Pray, Waterboard,’ has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce’s baby.” – David Letterman

“President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you’re looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the ‘Mac n’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty’ from Denny’s.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Labor Day is when we celebrate our workforce. Do we still have a workforce?” – David Letterman

“A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!” – Jay Leno

“New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that’s the price you pay for living in an island paradise.” – David Letterman

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The Mystery of Liberal Behavior


© Tom Tomorrow

This explains everything!

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Taxes and Regulations Are Not Killing Small Business

Conservatives like to harp on how high corporate taxes and excessive regulations are killing small businesses, and the best way to create jobs is to cut taxes. But as an owner of several small businesses, I’ve always known that was a lie.

It is absolutely silly to think that businesses hire employees when their taxes are cut. Businesses hire employees when demand for their products or services go up, and they need additional employees to meet this demand. When a company’s profits go up (whether from lowered taxes or other reasons) they pass those profits on in the form of bonuses and dividends, as we have seen over and over again, not by hiring new employees.

So it is no surprise that a survey of random small business owners across the nation found the same thing. None of the business owners complained about regulation in their particular industries, and most seemed to welcome it.

As one owner put it: “Government regulations are not ‘choking’ our business, the hospitality business. In order to do business in today’s environment, government regulations are necessary and we must deal with them. The health and safety of our guests depend on regulations. It is the government regulations that help keep things in order.”

Some even pointed to the lack of regulation in mortgage lending as precipitating the financial crisis in 2007.

As for taxes, one owner said “I think the rich have to be taxed, sorry.” Many support closing corporate loopholes that would cause their tax bite to go up.

So if it isn’t taxes and regulations, what is hurting small businesses? According to the owner of four small businesses “What is choking my business is insurance. What’s choking all business is insurance. You cannot go into business, any business — small business or large business — unless you can afford insurance.”

UPDATE: An economist explains why the argument that high taxes and burdensome regulations are hurting the economy is pure bullshit.

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If you can’t stand the heat…

One of the things I like about Texas is their sense of humor. So it is only natural that they would be making lots of fun of governor Rick Perry, who is leading in the Republican race for president.

The most common joke I hear is that Perry is the candidate for those people who think Dubya was too intellectual. Indeed, while Dubya went to Yale, Perry attended Texas A&M (an agricultural college) and graduated with a degree in animal sciences with a GPA of 2.4. Both were cheerleaders before they became governor. A classmate of Perry’s remembers “This was not the brightest guy around. We always kind of laughed. He was always kind of a joke.”

But the ribbing entered a new dimension when the Rice University Marching Owl Band (MOB) did a halftime show where they asked “The next time you go to the polls, ask yourself, ‘Is your candidate smarter than an Aggie?'”

And last, but not least, here is a skit from a school district in North Texas, singing a song for Perry to the tune of the famous Hee-Haw song, but with the chorus “Where, Rick Perry, are you tonight? Why did you leave us here all alone? You promised us funding for all Texas children; then you heard ‘White House’ and — pfft — you were gone.”

UPDATE: Does Perry feel like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis? Speaking of heat, it turns out that with the worst wildfires in history destroying millions of acres and thousands of homes in Texas, Perry previously severely cut the budget for the state agencies that fight wildfires. So yet another Tea Party candidate who believes that the federal government is the problem, is suddenly looking to federal disaster funds as the answer.

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Is God that Fickle?


© Clay Bennett

Even though Michele Bachmann won the straw poll in Iowa, she has been trailing badly since then, and is struggling now in fourth place behind Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Ron Paul. Perry is currently the Tea Party flavor of the month, but it will be interesting to see how he does now that he is actually campaigning and has to face the other candidates in a debate this week.

UPDATE: Perry might back out of the debate.

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A rising middle class tide raises all boats

Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich has an excellent article in the NY Times about the rather direct correlation to how well the middle class is doing to how well the economy does. (Memo to supply-siders: trickle down economics does not work, and has never worked. It is, as George Bush Sr. put it in 1979, “voodoo economics”).

When the gap between rich and poor has gotten larger, the economy has suffered. But when the rich take a smaller cut of national income, the economy does much better. In fact, even the rich do better when they share the wealth — they may get a smaller slice but it is a far larger pie. The extent to which this is true is made evident by the following infographic:

Note in the first graph, productivity has been growing steadily with the exception of a small hiccup in the late 70s (mainly caused by the spike in oil prices). But when we came out of that hiccup, something changed. While productivity resumed its climb, wages and compensation for workers went flat.

The second graph shows that after 1980 (and the advent of trickle-down economics) the top income earners did indeed receive most of the productivity gains, while the poor saw their income go down. But even so, the rich only saw gains of 55%, compared to 99% prior to 1980.

But that’s not the biggest problem. In the third graph we see that when the gap between rich and poor is large, the economy suffers. This happens because the middle class is the driving force of a consumer economy. Spending for the rich is much more discretionary, so when the economy starts to go down, the rich stop spending, which causes the economy to get worse, and so on in a huge downward spiral.

In fact, the only reason our economy was able to keep growing even though middle class wages were flat after 1980 is because of two things: as the fourth graph shows, more women entered the workforce (the number of married women with young children who worked was 12% in the 60s, but soared to 55% by the late 90s); and as shown in the fifth graph, household debt climbed to unsustainable levels, peaking at 132% of annual income in 2007 (when the housing bubble crashed).

Since neither of those can increase much more, spending by the middle class can only go down, starving our economy of the fuel it needs to grow. There is only one solution — we need the rich to transfer some of their wealth to the middle class in order to fuel economic growth. Ironically, this will reward the rich far more than if they selfishly tried to hold onto their money.

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Why I’m Voting Republican

by Art Buck, from the Ashland Daily Tidings

I have been following the election build-up and I’ve made up my mind: I am voting a straight Republican ticket.

The thing that tipped me over the edge was the Republican incandescent light bulb position. They say it is a Democratic police state that is forcing manufacturers to abandon Thomas Edison’s 19th century incandescent bulb and make only more efficient ones, which burn cooler and use less electricity.

I will overlook the fact that this law was passed in 2007 by a Republican Congress and signed into law by President Bush. It is clearly a Commie plot devised by Democrats. Can you spell “1984”?

I am also voting Republican because I want lead back in gasoline and paint. Only sissies worry about the health effects; freedom demands that corporations do whatever they want.

Republicans want to end the Environmental Protection Agency. I am for that, too. I remember the good old days of London’s killer fogs and Los Angeles’ smog days when you could not go outside. It may have been slightly annoying, but it was better than the government forcing us to stop polluting.

For that matter, I support the Republican position that the new Consumer Protection Agency is a monster which robs corporations of their constitutional right to do whatever they want to do to consumers, including lie to them about the terms of the loans they are taking out. Corporations are persons, after all — just ask Chief Justice Roberts.

Another plus for Republicans is their taking Jefferson out of the list of presidents because he supported the separation of church and state. It will make history easier to learn if we have fewer presidents.

I support Rick Perry’s and Michelle Bachmann’s drive to make evangelical Christianity the official and only religion of the USA. And how about Creationism? It is a whole lot easier to learn that only 4,000 years ago God made the earth in seven days than to grapple with the science of how life forms on this planet came to be over hundreds of millions of years. (Or to consider that religion and science are not incompatible.)

Ask Perry and Bachmann. They both say there is no evolution, and Texas public schools even teach Creationism. My kind of leaders! Keep It Simple, Stupid. I am not much of a scientific Darwinist, although, like them, I am all for Social Darwinism. I am a little uncomfortable with the racist tendencies of Southern Republicans, but it is a small price to pay for freedom and liberty.

Global warming? The whole Republican pack rejects this squishy liberal idea. If it were true, imagine the hurt it would do to the oil and gas industry! So it cannot be true! And Fox News says it is not true. So let’s skip this science stuff, it only hurts the brain and leads to lower GPAs.

I am also for the Republican goal to kill Social Security and Medicare. Bush tried to “privatize” (kill) Social Security but the citizens put up too much of a fuss. But it is time to try it again, and I know the GOP will. They have said so.

All but four of the 238 House Republicans voted for Paul Ryan’s budget, which included killing Medicare and cutting taxes for the rich even further. Greg Walden voted for Ryan’s budget. Those Senate Democrats stopped it. The nerve! So I know the Republicans won’t let me down if they get majorities in both houses and get the presidency.

You don’t mind paying health insurance companies whatever they demand in your retirement years, do you? It is a small price to pay for freedom. Without those pesky programs, and success finally in their efforts to end unemployment insurance, the Republicans will finally have returned us to the pre-Teddy Roosevelt robber baron days, where it is every man and woman for themselves, without any namby-pamby help.

Someone said, “Republicans claim that government does not work, and when elected they prove it.” I yearn for the Bush years, and this new crop of GOP politicians is Bush on steroids, no holds barred. Let’s go! Prove it!

I like the GOP slogan, “Government is not the answer.” Lately, though, I am nagged by the thought: What was the question that elicited that response? Was it “What is the highest mountain in North America?” Or, “Why is John Boehner’s DNA so close to that of a chimpanzee?”

Anyway, misgivings aside, vote Republican; they always use the words freedom and liberty.

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Late Night Political Humor

“I read Dick Cheney’s book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section.” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can’t we pray that away?” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden?” – Jay Leno

“How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi’s weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. Weren’t they already in the wrong hands?” – David Letterman

“The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It’s only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Washout


© Clay Bennett

Given the high unemployment rate, and the attacks on unions and the labor movement in general, is there much to celebrate on this Labor Day?

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Doing the Jobs Shuffle

A few days ago I reported on the Justice Department filing suit to block the merger of AT&T with T-Mobile, but there is more news about how much AT&T has been lying about the benefits of their proposed merger.

In order to promote the merger, AT&T announced that they would be moving 5,000 call center jobs back to the USA, saying “At a time when many Americans are struggling and our economy faces significant challenges, we’re pleased that the T-Mobile merger allows us to bring 5,000 jobs back to the United States and significantly increase our investment here.”

Of course, this was just a carrot offered to try to sell the merger. According to the Wall Street Journal, as recently as March AT&T was bragging to their investors that the merger would save tens of billions of dollars in the first four years by eliminating redundant job. In fact, around 20,000 T-Mobile’s employees would likely lose their jobs. For those of us that still know how to do simply math, that means that the merger would result in 15,000 people losing their jobs.

And as the WSJ points out, there is no reason AT&T (or T-Mobile or any other company with call center jobs) couldn’t move those jobs back to the US at any time. Why would they need a merger to get them to do right by American workers?

AT&T also tried to sell the merger by saying that they would increase capital spending by $8 billion. But without the merger, the two companies would have spent $18 billion, so again the net result of the merger is a reduction of $10 billion in capital spending.

It just seems like some corporations have such little regard for us that they think they can just say “blah blah blah jobs blah blah” and we will let them do whatever they want to screw us over.

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Gaddafi Found Running for Republican Nomination

[by Andy Borowitz of The Borowitz Report]

Libyan Madman Turns Up in New Hampshire

CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report) – The mystery surrounding Col. Muammar Gaddafi’s whereabouts was resolved today as the dictator announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination in a town hall meeting in Concord, New Hampshire.

In announcing his candidacy, the Libyan madman joins a Republican field which is believed to number in excess of seven hundred candidates.

While some New Hampshire Republicans seemed surprised to see Col. Gaddafi shaking hands and kissing babies at the Concord town hall, an aide to the Libyan strongman said his transformation to GOP candidate made perfect sense.

“In those final days in Tripoli he was becoming increasingly disconnected from reality,” said the aide. “So I think he’ll fit right in.”

Mr. Gaddafi, dressed in his trademark yellow turban and matching robe, got mixed reviews in his first appearance on the campaign trail, with some New Hampshire citizens saying that his six-hour stump speech was badly in need of pruning.

Additionally, some felt that his rhetoric needed to be toned down, especially his closing line about fighting for the Republican nomination “until the last drop of blood.”

But others gave him high marks for his grasp of history and geography, which most agreed was stronger than Michele Bachmann’s.

Perhaps underscoring the challenges that lie ahead for Mr. Gaddafi in his quest for the GOP nod, current polls show him in the back of the pack, leading former Senator Rick Santorum but trailing the pizza guy.

“Unfortunately for Muammar Gaddafi, he might be out of step with the current crop of Republican candidates,” one pollster said. “There’s a perception that he’s too moderate.”

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Late Night Political Humor

“Dick Cheney’s new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.” – Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney’s new memoir will be a best seller. I think it’s published by ‘Simon & Shooter.'” – David Letterman

“If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney’s memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a ‘Harry Potter’ book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other’s nipples. Then they heard about Cheney’s book coming out.” – Craig Ferguson

“This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted.” – Jay Leno

“Reviewers say Cheney’s book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they’re lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush’s dog Barney. He says, ‘That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.” – Jay Leno

“Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It’s like I have a twin.” – David Letterman

“Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time.” – Jay Leno

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Oil the Status Quo


© Matt Bors

When will the “Drill Baby, Drill” crowd wake up and realize that even if we open for drilling up every last potential source for oil, we will still eventually run out of oil? And meanwhile, destroy our environment, our health, and keep having to fight wars to keep the oil flowing. We have the knowledge and resources to find alternatives to oil, let’s get going!

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Mainstream Crazy


© Stuart Carlson

So, is Perry just the latest flash in the pan, brought on by a not-too-stellar line up of candidates, or will he burn out once people actually listen to what he is saying?

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Tea Party Terminators

[by Cliff Schecter]

Towards the beginning of the original Terminator film, Kyle Reese, who has come back to the past to save Sarah Connor – whose spawn will save mankind – lets her know what she’s facing in her new cybernetic stalker. “Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”

Substitute “Tea Party” for “Terminator” and “U.S. Government” for “you,” and with the exception of “fear” (which I’d argue is what drives them), this pretty much sums up the story of the 60-odd birdbrain Birchers who have rebranded themselves Tea Partiers and brought more crazy than Kanye West to the House of Representatives.

The recent war over the federal budget and debt ceiling were simply the latest in a long line of skirmishes where Democrats – the self-described practitioners of “good faith” and seekers of compromise – found themselves in a pitched policy battle with recalcitrant Republicans. Right wingers so high on radical, Randian, Tea-Party-brewed, Kool Aid, that anything short of dismantling the Federal Government and requiring universal tattooing of Milton Friedman where-the-sun-don’t-shine was treason.

Humble beginnings

After its humble beginnings as an astroturf, Koch-Brothers-funded revival aimed at mobilising ill-informed, reactionary, mostly older white Americans against health care reform and other psychologically-constructed monsters under the bed, the Tea Party has become an malignant force that now holds the Republican Congressional Caucus – and with it the country – hostage.

While the Stockholm Syndrome may not have quite set in yet among all Republicans, the tri-corner-hat crowd seems to behave much like the giant Brain Bug in the movie Starship Troopers, jamming a claw into the heads of their fellow GOPers and slowly sucking out cerebral tissue until only the brainless body remains.

Most problematic, most of the Tea Partiers, private citizens and elected officials alike, seem to possess just slightly less understanding of the Federal budget or tax code of than say, Mater from Cars. Yet, these are the people in the driver’s seat as the country heads for what might be Act II of the Great Recession, unless progressives, centrists, and others edified with high school civics adopt a new strategy to counter them.

And counter them we must, for they and their ilk are nothing new, but representative of a recurring and quite dangerous political strain that has always been with us since the dawn of civilization. Their undermining of the traditions, culture, and give-and-take necessary for any democracy to function has had destructive results on free societies in the past, and taken down a Republic or two.

Compromise is evil

This is what President Obama seems constitutionally unable to grasp. That even if they are a sometimes useful foil, and (sadly) sometimes equally useful in getting him the policy results he wishes, by definition the Tea Party brigade sees any compromise as evil, because everyone to the left of Pat Buchanan is viewed as a mortal threat to their imagined perfect society, which looks a lot like Utah.

You know, with fewer minorities. And a lot more Jesus.

None other than former Secretary of State and one-time Republican wunderkind Henry Kissinger understood this to be true. In his first book on the Napoleonic wars, Kissinger offered an almost perfect description – on the international stage – of what can happen when an entity with no interest in compromise and no problem destroying the current order gains control of major political party or country:

“It is a mistake to assume that diplomacy can always settle international disputes if there is ‘good faith’ and ‘willingness to come to an agreement'”; in a revolutionary situation “each power will seem to its opponent to lack precisely these qualities. In such circumstances many will see the early demands of a revolutionary power as ‘merely tactical’ and will delude themselves that the revolutionary power would actually accept the status quo with a few modifications.”

Kissinger concluded that, “Coalitions against revolutions have usually come about only at the end of a long series of betrayals … for the powers which represent legitimacy … cannot ‘know’ that their antagonist is not amenable to ‘reason’ until he has demonstrated [that he is not].”

Sound familiar?

Fight fire with fire

From its inception, the Tea Party is the very definition of the type of revolutionary movement. Until Democrats, and their leader in the White House, realise they need to stop calling people like Paul Ryan “courageous” and “serious”, and start fighting fire with fire, Michelle Bachmann and her creepy pinwheel eyes are going to continue to get their way at the expense of American values and the middle-class that once made this country great.

The late, great historian Richard Hofstadter added further insight into just the type of “movement” we’re dealing with, in his 1964 award-winning tome, “The Paranoid Style of American Politics”. In it, he outlines the psychological origins of the type of crazed, Tea-bagger style of all-or-nothing dedication to an absolute end, when he wrote of their forebears:

“He does not see social conflict as something to be mediated and compromised, in the manner of the working politician. Since what is at stake is always a conflict between absolute good and absolute evil, what is necessary is not compromise but the will to fight things out to a finish. Since the enemy is thought of as being totally evil and totally unappeasable, he must be totally eliminated – if not from the world, at least from the theatre of operations to which the paranoid directs his attention.”

In other words, any compromise, no matter how small, is seen as an act tantamount to treason, which is precisely why we need to stop engaging these tottering tea lovers, because they simply do not believe in the workings of democracy.

Like the Terminator, or The South before the Civil War (the region which spawned much of this movement, not surprisingly) the Bachmannites simply must be defeated – beaten in the world of combat, political combat in this particular case (lest anyone think I am advocating war – which I am not).

The Republican Party is no longer the party of Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, or even Reagan – the GOP in its current form is nothing more than the party of Ted Nugent – hopefully with somewhat better hair.

Speaking of Lincoln, he proffered to Congress in 1861 that, “The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise – with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disenthral ourselves, and then we shall save our country.”

What he said.

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