Political Irony

“Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from ‘Toddlers & Tiaras.'” – Conan O’Brien

“During the Tea Party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America’s dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, ‘Trust me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Republican debate set looked like the inside of Betsy Ross’s vagina. Or so I’ve been told. Anyway, I believe there was a point to this Amerigasm, and that was for seven candidates to give a beatdown to Rick Perry.” – Jon Stewart

“There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.” – Jay Leno

“The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Anderson Cooper is on CNN, “60 Minutes” and now daytime TV. He’s like a male Ryan Seacrest. Anderson’s a serious journalist. He’s been to places torn apart by strife, like Bosnia and ‘The View.'” – Craig Ferguson

“People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.” – Craig Ferguson

“Anderson Cooper was on the Johnny Carson ‘Tonight Show’ when he was 3 years old. And then he was bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno. That was back when Jay Leno was nothing but diapers and a chin. Just like now.” – Craig Ferguson

“My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.” – Stephen Colbert

“The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.” – Conan O’Brien

“The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.” – David Letterman

“They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.” – David Letterman

“Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: ‘Don’t mess with Texes.’ In high school voted ‘Most likely to execute 200+ people.’ Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts.” – Conan O’Brien

“Fun fact about Mitt Romney: He would appoint his hair ‘Secretary of Handsome.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of ’24’.” –Conan O’Brien

“Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.” – Jay Leno

“You could smell Rick Perry’s cologne through the TV.” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was ‘shampoo, rinse, and repeat’.” – Jay Leno

“Don’t they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry also defended his claim that Social Security is nothing but a Ponzi scheme. Michele Bachmann jumped on that. She told them flat out, “Hey, it has to be either a Fonzi scheme or a Potsie scheme. There was no Ponzi…” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is at Taco Bell.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.” – Jay Leno

“You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan’s actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that’s about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get.” – Jay Leno

“Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.” – Conan O’Brien

“I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.” – David Letterman

“Tonight was President Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t get why everyone is hung up about getting jobs. Isn’t it better to stay up until 4:00 in the morning watching reruns of ‘Sanford and Son?'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.” – David Letterman

“Earlier this evening President Obama gave his big jobs speech. So what we had tonight was a guy whose job nobody approves of, giving a speech about jobs that don’t exist, to people who don’t have any jobs. So it’s a real positive, uplifting…” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s $447-billion spending plan is called the American Jobs Act. It would have had a cooler name, but the name guy was laid off six months ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The president said we need more products stamped ‘Made in America.’ OK, let’s get the Chinese to get a stamp that says ‘Made in America.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they’re thinking about moving back to Mexico.” – Jay Leno

“The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn’t fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.” – David Letterman

“The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.” – Jay Leno

“During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.” – Conan O’Brien

“Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because ‘the states could do a gooder job.'” – Jay Leno

“In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation.” – Jay Leno

“The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand.” – Jay Leno

“Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.” – Conan O’Brien

“To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there’s a silver lining.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don’t like you three times a week?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.” – David Letterman

“Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.” – David Letterman

“Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.” – Stephen Colbert