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Money isn’t Speech, it’s Votes!

Wanna predict who is likely to win any federal election? Just look up how much money they spent on their campaign. It’s amazing.

In 2006, the biggest spenders running for the House won their race 94% of the time. In 2008 the number was 93%, and in 2010 it was 85%. The numbers for the Senate were slightly lower; in 2006 it was 73%, in 2008 86%, and in 2010 83%.

So what’s the quality most important for a politician? The ability to raise money. Nothing else matters nearly as much.

Not only that, but I would guess that the only reason the percentages went down in 2010 was because of the increasing use of SuperPACs, which spend money on behalf of a candidate, but don’t count as money spent by the candidate.

Here’s one way to get big money out of our politics.

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Late Night Political Humor

“You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea — a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.” – David Letterman

“Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That’s scary. What if they’re spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?” – Craig Ferguson

“The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time.” – Craig Ferguson

“The protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump’s hair and set it on fire.” – Craig Ferguson

“If I was in New York, I’d probably participate in this. Well, first I’d see ‘Jersey Boys.'” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“When the check came, Obama was like, ‘Do you guys want to split this five ways?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.” –David Letterman

“At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they’ve been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny’s across the street.” – Conan O’Brien

“The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, ‘Who am I?'” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry’s advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry’s exhausted. He’s having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, ‘I never said I was a geology major.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution.” – David Letterman

“At one point, Rick Santorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, ‘Just shut up and sit down.'” – Jay Leno

“During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It’s all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is ‘shrinking the American pie.’ And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.” – Jay Leno

“President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards.” – David Letterman

“Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news.” – Conan O’Brien

“One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.” – Jay Leno

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Bankers have feelings, too!


© Tom Tomorrow

Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps the greedy ones from completely taking over is that they eventually start believing their own PR and screw up.

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Texas Showdown – The Scientists are Revolting

State officials of the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality (TCEQ) commissioned a scientific report on Galveston Bay, and hired three scientists to write it, including John Anderson, an oceanographer at Rice University. The scientists knew there might be problems; after all, the head of TCEQ is a Rick Perry appointee who frequently claims scientific arguments that human activities are changing the climate are a hoax. Perry himself says that such science is inconclusive. So the scientists were careful to only use research that had appeared in peer-reviewed journals, and that science says that Texas it at high risk from climate change from things including increasing numbers of hurricanes along its long coastline and this summer’s wildfires and drought.

But before the TCEQ published the report, they decided to remove every single mention of human-induced climate change and rising sea levels. According to report author John Anderson, “They just simply went through and summarily struck out any reference to climate change, any reference to sea level rise, any reference to human influence – it was edited or eliminated. … we live in a state of denial in the state of Texas.” For example, they deleted a reference to the sea level in the bay rising five times faster than the historical average, which is simply a scientific fact. So the three scientists who worked on the report have asked that their names be removed from it.

You can see the changes to the report here.

But what takes this situation from the realm of irony into hypocrisy is that the TCEQ officials are defending their censorship. When the Houston Chronicle asked TCEQ why they censored the report, a spokeswoman gave no reasons but just said that the agency disagreed with information in it. She further claimed that “It would be irresponsible to take whatever is sent to us and publish it.” So when will they decide that they don’t like gravity and repeal it?

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Whose Job is He Worried About?


© Rob Rogers

Despite promising to fight for jobs, the Republicans did not even allow a vote on Obama’s jobs bill. Even more telling is their alternative “Jobs Through Growth Act” bill. It doesn’t contain a single item in Obama’s jobs bill (even though Republicans supported many of Obama’s proposals before Obama proposed them), but it does contain a repeal of health care reform, repeal of the recent financial overhaul measure, a disgusting provision that will allow multinational corporations to bring home $1.4 billion in profits without paying any tax on them, and a moratorium on any new regulations (including any on Wall Street). In other words, a total giveaway to banks, health insurance companies and other large corporations that doesn’t create any jobs at all. Haven’t we figured out yet that trickle down economics didn’t work?

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Presidential Astroturfing

Herman Cain is currently leading in several polls for the Republican presidential nomination. Since several other candidates have held the lead for brief periods, some people think that Cain might just be the flavor of the month, but there is something different about Cain.

Remember when the Tea Party movement became funded by the Koch brothers, and was taken over by corporate interests? When it stopped being a grass-roots movement and became astroturf? Could the same thing happen to a presidential election?

Cain likes to call himself an non-political outsider, but he does have one very important insider connection, with the Koch brothers. In fact, not only has Cain worked for years for the Koch funded group “Americans for Prosperity” (AFP), even serving as the public face of their “Prosperity Expansion Project”, but quite a few members of his campaign staff, including his campaign manager, also worked for AFP. And Cain’s 9-9-9 plan? Developed by a member of AFP’s advisory board. And Cain will be the only presidential candidate at AFP’s annual “Defending the American Dream” summit in Washington.

Of course, Cain doesn’t mention any of this in his bio on his campaign website.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch’s house chanting, ‘What do we want?’ Murdoch interrupted saying, ‘I already know, I hacked your phones.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.” – Craig Ferguson

“Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.” – Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of ‘less government, more toppings’ has been well received.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At tonight’s Republican debate, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain was given the center seat. You can tell Cain was in the center because he was wearing one of those little plastic tables that protects the cheese.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For tonight’s debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer.” – David Letterman

“Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, ‘Tim Pawlenty: This Time I’ll Quit Later.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you’re in a canoe.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.” – Conan O’Brien

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.” – Jay Leno

“Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work. You need a fake ID, not to say you’re Chinese, just to say you’re under 10 years old.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.” – David Letterman

“A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.” – Jay Leno

“The Washington Post says that President Obama is not a people person, and is a neurotic loner without any friends. It’s like I have a twin.” – David Letterman

“President Obama announced that he is going to visit Detroit on Friday. Why? The Tigers are in the Playoffs, the Lions are undefeated, car sales are going through the roof – why ruin it with a presidential speech? They are doing fine. Don’t go there.” – Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Bo, the White House dog. It looks like he may be a one-term dog.” – David Letterman

“San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, ‘Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'” – Jay Leno

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Turnabout is Fair Play


© Ed Stein

If Wall Street is going to kick people out of their homes and occupy their houses, isn’t it fair that people should be able to occupy Wall Street in retaliation?

Stein also provides commentary to his comic:

I was working my way across the radio dial on my way home the other night, delighted to hear the right-wing blathersphere ablaze with denunciations of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrators, a sure sign that they’re starting to have an impact. Oh, those commies, those hippies, those radicals, those anarchists, those evil revolutionaries and their nefarious plot to destroy capitalism! How dare they trumpet the obvious, that Wall Street bankers are not really on the side of the working stiff (or in way too many cases, of the no longer working stiff) that perhaps the Emperors of Finance have too many clothes, while the rest of us don’t have enough. We now live in a country in which the top one percent receive a quarter of all income, and control more than 40% of the nation’s wealth. I’ve been wondering when the other 99% would finally take to the streets. I only hope this thing continues to grow until we see massive demonstrations, angry mobs of ordinary Americans demanding real change, and deaf and blind politicians finally being forced to listen to their constituents and not just to the K Street lobbyists. Power to the people! It’s about time.

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Food for Thought


© Rob Rogers

And as usual, Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman are left out.

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Smorgas-Bored


© Jack Ohman

Will Cainfather’s Pizza deliver?

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Late Night Political Humor

“It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?” – Jay Leno

“Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we’ve exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish – as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.” – Jay Leno

“Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya.” – David Letterman

“The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?” – Jay Leno

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?” – Jay Leno

“A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That’s right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, ‘a presidential candidate’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry has admitted that he’s so tired that he can’t sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“We found out why Sarah Palin won’t run for president. She heard the job lasts four years.” – Jay Leno

“Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again – on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that’s true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight.” – Jay Leno

“I say let all the troops shower together: straight men, gay men, women, everybody. Morale would shoot up, and we’d have the cleanest troops in the world.” – Jay Leno

“California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Mayor of Newark is cutting the city budget for toilet paper, leading to the new slogan: ‘Yes, it could smell any worse.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog.” – David Letterman

“There’s a secret panel in Washington that can order any American killed anywhere in the world at any time. This may be the only way we can get Nancy Grace off ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno

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The Zero Sum Jobs Game

Kudos to former Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm. Finally, a politician (at least a former one) who makes the obvious point: local governments who give tax breaks to bring jobs to their locales don’t create jobs, they just move jobs from one state to another and in the process destroy the infrastructure that actually creates jobs (education, etc.).

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The Wall Street Spring


© Lalo Alcaraz

What took us so long?

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The Fickle Finger of the Right


© Lee Judge

To be honest, I don’t blame this entirely on the right. The media loves a horse race.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said ‘Look at me. Do I look like I’m ready to race anyone?'” – Bill Maher

“And Chris Christie isn’t running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …” – David Letterman

“On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn’t handle the two-year commitment.” – Seth Meyers

“Sarah Palin won’t run for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska?” – David Letterman

“Very sadly, two days ago, the great white dope, Sarah Palin said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere talked her out of running for president.” – David Letterman

“Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, ‘If you don’t have a job, if you’re not rich, don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the banks, blame yourself.’ And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, ‘Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'” – Bill Maher

“Under Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that’s his chances of becoming president.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry has fallen way down. He’s got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney’s problem. He’s just too black.” – Bill Maher

“YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, ‘Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, ‘The Glenn Beck Show.” – Bill Maher

“If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions.” – Bill Maher

“Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.” – Jay Leno

“You folks feeling the economic pinch? That’s why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are now accepting chickens.” – David Letterman

“There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.” – Jay Leno

“Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there’s nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn.” – Seth Meyers

“This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his.” – Jay Leno

“Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, ‘Maybe I will run for president!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.” – Jay Leno

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