Political Irony

“If you’re keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.” – Bill Maher

“They had another of those Republican debates. The field seems a little anemic. President Obama was watching with his wife, and halfway through he said, ‘Honey, you can stop packing.'” – David Letterman

“The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates.” – Jay Leno

“Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by Fox and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of Fox.” – Bill Maher

“Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don’t have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It’s called debates.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry did look dumb. I’m beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school.” – Bill Maher

“He sounded like a sixth grader who didn’t do the reading – garbled syntax, messing up simple facts, sentences that went nowhere. Sarah Palin was watching and she said, ‘If only he was black, I’d fuck him.” – Bill Maher

“You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race ‘more exciting.’ Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Palin’s doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, they asked her at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, ‘I didn’t make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It’s one thing to say you don’t believe in evolution, you don’t believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in videotape.” – Bill Maher

“After the debate husband Marcus was comforting her. He said, ‘Honey, you can’t publicly deny something about yourself that everyone else can see is true.” – Bill Maher

“That 6-ton satellite should come down Saturday. Well, Sunday if there’s construction on the FDR. It’s plummeting back to Earth faster than Michele Bachmann’s campaign.” – David Letterman

“It’s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, ‘the end of global warming.'” – Jay Leno

“The next time you hear anyone say ‘job creator,’ I want you to picture [The Situation from Jersey Shore]. Yes, The Situation made $5 million dollars last year, and if he has to pay a little more in taxes, it won’t mean he’s creating fewer jobs. It will mean a tiny fraction of his money actually pays for the government that works to keep him alive. The EPA that contains his oil runoff. The Postal Service that delivers his body wax. The Bureau of Weights and Measures who weigh his dumbbells. The Centers for Disease Control that provides a steady supply of penicillin. And the military, who keep the Taliban away. Because if a single human proves that America is asking for it, you’re looking at him.” – Bill Maher

“The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.” – David Letterman

“Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or ‘they will lose an ally.’ Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists.” – Jay Leno

“We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama.” – David Letterman

“Someone smashed the windows in President Obama’s L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Tom Tomorrow

I loved the “Tears of the Pundit” part.

“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home.” – Jay Leno

“The military’s controversial ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, ‘Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.'” – Jon Stewart

“I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The military’s policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is officially over. Don’t confuse this with President Obama’s economic policy, which is ‘don’t ask, I don’t want to talk about it.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he’s expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix.” – Craig Ferguson

“Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it’s important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they’re the ones that have all of our jobs.” – Craig Ferguson

“Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it’s math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.” – Jay Leno

“Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, I believe math is just a theory.” –Stephen Colbert

“World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker.” – David Letterman

“The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don’t mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. ‘I really like an open-toed espadrille.” – Craig Ferguson

“Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he’s still in power, and just ‘temporarily’ going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is ‘temporarily’ closing its doors.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese.” – Conan O’Brien

“China is now grading restaurants’ hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress’ approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.” – Jay Leno

“A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It’s not like they’re rocket scientists.” – David Letterman

“Two new books about Sarah Palin came out today. All of a sudden, I’m feeling OK about Borders going out of business.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I’ve seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be.” – Jimmy Kimmel