Political Irony

“Florida announced that they are moving their presidential primary to January, and it will be the first in the nation. If there’s one state that is known for organized, reliable voting …” – Craig Ferguson

“As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney speaks French and John Huntsman speaks Chinese. This is America, they need to speak Spanish.” – Jay Leno

“When Michele Bachmann heard they were bilingual, she said it’s OK, as long as they don’t get married.” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap.” – David Letterman

“A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion.” – Jay Leno

“First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target yesterday. Yeah, she told the Secret Service to keep their eyes peeled – not for threats, just for a person that actually works at Target.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Arkansas are looking for a man who breaks into homes and sucks the toes of sleeping women. They believe he’s either an escaped mental patient or a former President of the United States. [In Clinton voice] ‘Take off your slippers.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Saudi Arabia has given women the right to vote, but there’s a catch. The only form of ID accepted at the polling station: Driver’s licenses.” – Jay Leno

“Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he’s not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa.” – David Letterman

“If he does run and he is elected, say good bye to the White House garden and say hello to the White House Olive Garden.” – David Letterman

“Perfect fit: Oval Office, oval president.” – David Letterman

“Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.” – Craig Ferguson

“Obama says his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Let’s not set that bar too high.” – Jay Leno

“If you donate $5 to President Obama’s re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, they’ve dropped the price from $5 to $3. It’s the first presidential groupon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Obama campaign is offering a chance to win dinner with the president for $3. This would explain his new campaign slogan: ‘Hey, I’m cheaper than Arby’s.'” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s all part of the president’s plan to get the country gambling again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him ‘the Antichrist.’ The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as ‘rock solid.’ It probably didn’t help that he then added, ‘As rock solid as Taylor Lautner’s yummy abs.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican students at Berkeley held a bake sale to publicize their views on affirmative action. Prices were based on a customer’s race and gender. White males paid $2 for a cupcake. Black males, 75 cents. And women got 25 cents off. Minority students held a competing bake sale where they pointed out if a white male gets caught stealing a cupcake he gets a slap on the wrist. A woman gets to keep it. And a black man gets 25 years in prison.” – Jay Leno

“A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can’t make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can’t fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it’s not worth bending over for, it’s not worth making.” – Jimmy Kimmel